


After the Storm

by Winglesss



Series: Hopeless Wanderer [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Cancer, Castiel and Cats, Dean and Kids, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Explicit Sexual Content, False Accusations, Harassment, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Living Together, M/M, Self-Hatred, Slurs, Teacher Castiel, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-16
Updated: 2016-03-19
Packaged: 2018-01-25 09:12:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 34
Words: 72,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1643333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winglesss/pseuds/Winglesss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a sequel to <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/1115822">White Blank Page</a>. It takes place between the last chapter and the epilogue. Each chapter covers one month of their life together. Each chapter is more like a ficlet with more or less of a plot, but there will also be some main arc of the story. Don´t expect anything too fluffy, there will be a lot of bumps on their road. I just found it too hard to say goodbye to these characters, if you feel the same, this is for you :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First month

**Author's Note:**

> THIS IS A WORK IN PROGRESS and will be updated irregularly.  
> Betaed by [Kirsty](http://matt-ismyhero.tumblr.com/)  
> Special thanks go to [Imprise](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Imprise/pseuds/Imprise) who's my support and inspiration

_I wrestled long with my youth_   
_We tried so hard to live in the truth_   
_But do not tell me all is fine_   
_When I lose my head, I lose my spine_   
  
_So leave that click in my head_   
_And I won't remember the words that you said_   
_You brought me out from the cold_   
_Now, how I long, how I long to grow old_   
  
_So when your hope's on fire_   
_But you know your desire_   
_Don't hold a glass over the flame_   
_Don't let your heart grow cold_   
_I will call you by name_   
_I will share your road_   
  
_But hold me fast, Hold me fast_   
_'Cause I'm a hopeless wanderer_   
_And hold me fast, Hold me fast_   
_'Cause I'm a hopeless wanderer_   
_I will learn, I will learn to love the skies I'm under_   
_I will learn, I will learn to love the skies I'm under_   
_The skies I'm under_

Castiel is laying on the couch, switching channels with an annoyed expression, not really paying attention to the TV.

"Where can I put these?" Dean asks for millionth time, just about a different box. This time it’s his classic rock vinyl collection.

"I don’t know." Castiel growls.

"Cas, come on. Tell me where they won’t be in the way of something."

Castiel climbs to his feet with a grunt and goes to the nearest shelf. He grabs one of the empty boxes and throws all of Charlie’s PC games into it in one movement. He tosses the box on the floor and motions to Dean that he now has a space for his fucking records. Dean gapes at him.

"What the hell, Cas?"

"I’m going to bed."

"It’s 8 P.M."

"I’m tired." Cas growls and storms out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Dean stares after him for a moment flabbergasted, and decides to unpack his records to give Cas some time to cool off.

When he enters the bedroom, he finds Cas curled on the bed fully dressed. Cas doesn't move or acknowledge Dean, even when Dean crawls on top of him. "Cas? What’s wrong?" The other man murmurs something into a pillow. Dean kisses the soft spot behind his ear, then grabs his chin and forces Cas to look at him.

"What is it you hate, Cas? My records or me moving in? Tell me."

"It’s not like that," he looks away again.

"So tell me what it's like." Dean asks as he runs his fingers through Cas’ hair.

"It’s nothing. I’m sorry I snapped. I really am just tired."

Dean purses his lips, he hates when Cas lies to him like that. He breathes out and nuzzles at Cas’ neck, earning himself a soft huff of laughter from Cas.

"Cas, look at me." He says seriously and Castiel obeys reluctantly.

"I don’t have to move in. Lisa is still living with her mother so I can stay in our... in her house until you're ready. Or I can find my own apartment, we don’t have to live together if it’s not what you want."

Cas stares at him, eyes wide and light.

"Even though I'd be pretty pissed that you let me unpack a crapload of boxes." Dean adds with a smile.

Cas’ lips twitch a little but he doesn’t smile. He shuts his eyes and sighs.

"I don’t… I want… fuck I don’t even know what I want. I’m just… I think I’m scared."

Dean raises an eyebrow. "Scared of what? Commitment?"

Cas nods, he’s so embarrassed he can’t look Dean in the eyes, he shifts under him and curls into a ball.

Dean sighs and sits behind him, he starts to rub his back soothingly. "Come on, Cas. It’s normal to freak out a little."

"You know the only time I tried to settle down, it was with Daphne and it was… I hated it."

"But I’m not Daphne."

Castiel doesn’t respond, he stares at the wall, then he sighs and hides his face in the crook of his elbow "I’m so stupid."

"You’re not stupid. Talk to me." He shifts on the bed so he can wrap himself around Cas, making him the small spoon.

"This is… this is all I wanted, all I dreamt of for so long and now that I have it... it’s overwhelming, suffocating." Dean freezes in the middle of kissing Cas’ neck.

"What if… what if it doesn’t work? We've never spent this much time together. What if… you left your wife because of me, it would be so wrong to…“ he trails of and Dean props himself on his elbow to look in his face.

"You want to say that you’re afraid you couldn’t break up with me because I left my wife for you?"

Castiel doesn’t nod, but Dean knows he’s right.

"Cas, look at me." Cas turns his head but does everything to not meet his eyes.

"Cas," Dean growls and then he finally has Cas’ baby blues on him.

"You were right, this is all we wanted. I chose you because I want to be with you and I don’t care if it will work forever or for year or just a month. It’s worth it."

Cas stares at him with lips slightly parted, Dean runs his thumb over them and then kisses Cas gently.

"But I’m pretty sure it will work." Cas shakes his head.

"You don’t know that. You'll get tired of me. I don’t know how to be in a long term relationship, I don’t know how to settle down and I’m a terrible roommate!"

He looks so convinced and frantic it’s ridiculous. Dean can't help but chuckle.

"Hey, Cas, you might have forgotten, but we kinda used to live together. I already know that you snore and drool on your pillow, I know that you squeeze the tube of toothpaste from the middle and always leave an empty milk carton in the fridge. And I-don’t-care!"

Castiel half snorts, half chuckles and wraps his arms around Dean’s middle and buries his face in his chest.

"You know what? We should go on a roadtrip."

"What?" Cas looks up at him.

"Yeah! It’s a great idea! We'll be together but it won’t be so suffocating and it'll be fun!"

"Like the road trip after you graduated high school?"

"Just less annoying little brothers and much more sex." Dean says grinning.

"It actually sounds like a good idea."

Dean continues grinning and kisses him.

"Just 'cause we're kinda settling down together, it doesn’t mean we have to turn into an old married couple."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics from Hopeless Wanderer by Mumford&Sons


	2. Second Month

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is fluffy. I think you might appreciate it after the finale of s9

"Such a beautiful night," Cas sighs, leaning against the Impala, looking at the star scattered sky.  
"It’s sad that it’s the last one." Dean says, as he hands Cas a beer and wraps an arm around his shoulders, Cas snuggles closer.  
"Thank you," he breathes out.  
"For what?" Dean kisses his temple, then takes a sip of his beer.  
"For the road trip, it was a good idea."  
"Yeah. We didn’t even try to kill each other, and only almost got ourselves killed once." Dean smirks.  
Cas frowns at him. "I did say blowing you while you were driving wasn’t a good idea."  
Dean chuckles and pulls him into a hug. "It was worth the risk."  
"You would be willing to die for a blowjob?" Cas snorts and nibbles at Dean’s neck.  
"Blowjob from you? Anytime."  
"You are such a romantic." Cas mumbles against the soft skin behind Dean’s ear. Dean wants to respond but Cas sucks at the pulsepoint on his neck and grabs his ass at the same time, so all he’s capable of is a low moan when. Dean grabs the hair at the back of Cas' his head and kisses him hungrily. Cas pulls his hips even closer, the buckles of their belts clink against each other. Dean lets out a frustrated sound, not letting go of Cas’ lips as he yanks at his belt. Cas laughs and throws his head back when Dean grabs his bottle of beer and places it together with his own bottle on the roof of the car.  
"Indecent exposure." he murmurs when Dean finally opens his zipper and palms his hardening cock.  
"We're in the middle of nowhere," Dean reminds him, sucking little lovemarks onto his collarbone.  
Will we always be like this? Not able to keep hands off of each other? Or will we eventually get fed up? flies through Cas' mind but he waves it away. It doesn’t matter what the future is going to bring, only the present moment is important. And the present moment is perfect with the starry sky overhead and Dean’s erection pressed to his.  
The friction of soft cotton against his cock drives him crazy, he wishes there was nothing separating them at all, but they are already too desperate to get properly undressed or get inside the car. They grind against each other, pants hanging loosely, too low on their hips. Cas makes the sweetest little sounds, he’s pressed between the cold metal of the Impala and Dean’s big warm body and it feels safe and perfect. Dean cusses and babbles stuttered praises along the lines of  
“Oh Cas, so beautiful.“ and “So Good“. They come in their underwear like a pair of horny teenagers, moaning and laughing into each others mouth.  
Dean sweeps Cas’ hair out of his face and looks into his eyes that are shining in the moonlight.  
"You are the most beautiful of all the stars," Dean whispers. It’s so cheesy and silly and his heart is pounding so hard it hurts. For a second he’s afraid Cas will laugh at him, but he just shuts his eyes and smiles, so soft and sweet it stirs something warm in Dean’s chest. _This is love_ , he thinks and presses a kiss into the corner of Cas’ mouth.  
\----

"I don’t like this one," Dean points at the photo of him asleep on the back seat of the Impala.  
"You didn’t want to work with me on the album, so now you don’t have a say on which picture I use." Cas snatches the photo from him and sticks it into the album next to a sketch of a lake. Dean watches him with offended pout.  
"You should use more of your drawings, I like them."  
Cas lets out an exasperated igh. "You help or you shut up and leave," he shoves scissors and a glue stick into Dean’s hand.  
"Okay, okay, grumpy. God, you're so serious! It’s just a photo album!"  
Cas gives him such a hard look he fights not to squirm. "It’s our photo album, Dean"  
Dean smiles and looks at the selfie of he and Cas in front of the biggest ball of twine. "You´re right."  
He keeps smiling as he thinks about Cas freaking out, scared of commitment. It’s hard to believe he’s the same Cas who is now collecting evidence about their life together for future generations.  
Dean looks down at the photo in his hands and grimaces.  
"Hey you´re adorable on this one but I look like a dork, I'm gonna cut myself out" he says bringing the scissors up to his paper face.  
"Don’t you dare!" Cas reaches for the photo but Dean lays back onto the floor, pulling it out of Cas' reach.  
"You look like a dork all the time, but it’s not a good enough reason to get rid of you." Cas says as he crawls on top of him, grabbing the photo.  
"Oh, Cas, that’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever told me." Dean laughs  
"Fuck you," Cas chuckles.  
Dean cocks one eyebrow suggestively. "I’m on board with that."  
Cas snorts and kisses him.


	3. Third Month

"The wedding," Cas barks when he comes home.

Dean is lying on the couch, he doesn’t even look up from his comic book. "Hm?"

"The wedding, Dean."

"What about wedding?"

"It's in two weeks."

"And?"

"He’s your brother, Dean! He asked you to be his best man and you didn’t even answer him. Now he’s freaking out thinking you're angry at him."

"I’m not angry at Sam!"

"So what’s your problem?" he flops down into an armchair and stares at Dean.

"Weddings make me uncomfortable."

"Since when?"

Dean shuts the comic book and throws it on the end table. "Since I cheated on my wife and ruined my marriage." He crosses his arms over his chest, not looking at Cas.

Cas remains silent, he clenches his teeth and stares at his hands. Dean’s eyes dart to him.

"Don’t do that," he grumbles.

"Do what?"

"You’re thinking that you’re the one responsible for my break up with Lisa."

"And I'm not?"

"No. It’s only my fault, Cas."

"Does that mean you would do it for somebody else?"

"No!"

Cas cocks one eyebrow and Dean sighs.

"Will we ever stop this?"

"Stop your ‘I’m so bad because I ruined my marriage’ bullshit and I will stop the ‘I’m the one who made you ruin ~~ed~~ it' crap."

"Fair enough."

"So what about the wedding?"

"I don’t know, Cas, I don’t feel like the right person." Dean shifts in his seat.

"That’s bullcrap, Dean. Sam chose you because he wants you there and he needs you. It's a big step and you approve of the marriage, don’t you? You like Sarah."

"Of course I do, I think he should have married her long ago."

"Fine, so you’re going to be Sam’s best man, help him with the wedding, ~~and~~ prepare the most embarrassing bachelor’s party of the century for him and you are going to call him right now." Cas says as he stands and walks over to Dean.

Dean throws his head back and groans. "You’re so bossy, how can I even stand you?"

"Because I’m adorable and incredibly good in bed," Cas says and settles in Dean’s lap. He grabs Dean’s phone from the end table and shoves it in Dean’s hand.

"Call him right now and I will show you why you decided to keep me even though I’m bossy."

Dean chuckles and dials Sam’s number.

"Seriously, you are the worst," he kisses Cas’ cheek before Sam picks up.

 

* * *

 

Dean didn’t realize that Sam’s wedding means family, or at least what they decided to consider their family. It means Cas meeting Bobby and Ellen and Jo as Dean's partner. Of course they already know Dean broke up with Lisa but the don’t know the reason. The reason that is pretty nervous by now.

"Son of a... !" Cas throws his tie across the room and leans his forehead against the mirror. "I hate ties!"

Dean tries to hide his smile, when he picks up the piece of light blue fabric from the floor.

"Relax, Cas. They already know you," he says, lifts his collar and wraps the tie around Cas’ neck.

"But they don’t know you sleep with me." Cas watches him tying his tie with a frown.

"Well, it’s none of their business. If they need to know, I’ll tell them. I’m not ashamed of it, Cas."

Cas lifts his eyes from Dean’s hands to his lips, then up to his eyes. He looks astonished and it looks cute on him. Dean fastens the knot and kisses Cas’ forehead, making him wrinkle his nose.

"Come on, I can’t be late, I’m the best man," he grins.

 

Sarah looks beautiful. Sam cries like a girl but to be honest Dean’s tearing a little bit himself. Cas squeezes his hand reassuringly and they exchange a warm smile. Jo drags Cas - blushing and protesting- into the crowd of girls waiting for Sarah to throw the bouquet. Dean laughs his ass off when he watches his scared expression the second Cas realizes it’s falling right into his arms. He steps back so one of the bridesmaids can catch it instead. He looks relieved when he returns to Dean’s side. "That was embarrassing," he mumbles. Dean chuckles and kisses his cheek.

He’s nervous about the toast but Cas helped him with his speech and Sam cries again when Dean pulls him into a bear hug which has to mean that it was good.

Everything goes perfectly, Ellen and Jo shower Cas with affection, and Bobby... well Bobby accepts him even though he’s watching him a bit suspiciously. Dean’s just waiting for when he corners Cas for the "if you hurt my boy I will skin you alive" speech.

Everything is good. Dean should be cheerful. He isn’t. He can’t stop thinking about his wedding with Lisa. He was happy, mainly because Lisa was happy and Sam was happy. Maybe the better word is proud, Dean was proud because he was doing the right thing, he was proud because such an awesome girl as Lisa wanted him. And now it’s all gone. But he has Cas, Cas who is dancing awkwardly with Sarah’s little cousin and smiles at Dean. Dean’s marriage didn’t last but he’s happy and it makes him feel guilty. However now is not the time and place for doubts and self loathing. He should be cheerful. So he is, with little help of his old friend Jack Daniels.

Castiel notices that something is wrong. Dean drinks too much and avoids him . He flirts and jokes and dances with everyone but him. Cas doesn’t say anything, he just makes sure Dean eats something and drinks some water. He isn’t even upset that he’s not paying him attention. He’s happy in Jo’s company and he spent some time talking about art with Sarah’s father.

He’s surprised when he feels someone’s hands on his shoulders. Dean’s breath smelling of whiskey brushes his cheek.

"Hello, handsome," his voice is a low rumble, "Shall we dance?"

Cas is surprised, he looks around. It’s late, some guests have already left and the dance floor is almost empty but there’s still a lot of people to see them. The whole day Dean avoided displays of affection except one kiss on a cheek and occasional squeeze of hands and now he wants to dance?

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I danced with everyone but the hottest person in the room. I need to fix that." Cas chuckles, he feels blood rushing into his cheeks. He knows Dean is drunk but it’s really cute.

"Okay," he nods and lets Dean lead him to the dance floor.

Dean wraps one arm around Cas, pulling him close, he presses their cheeks together. Cas’ heart is pounding like crazy, his head spins even though Dean only spins him around a few times. They don’t even notice that the song has ended, they just keep dancing, bodies pressed together, staring into each other’s eyes, breath mingling in the small space between them.

"It was a nice wedding," Dean says, leaning his forehead against Cas’, they are barely moving now.

"Yeah it was, " Cas breathes out.

"My wedding was nice too." Dean’s eyes are closed and Cas feels a pang in his chest.

"I was sad you weren’t there," Dean continues. Cas’ throat constricts. Dean opens his eyes.

"Will you be in my next wedding?" Cas’ breath hitches.

"What?"

"I want you in my next wedding. You don’t have to wear a dress, but I want to meet you at the altar once."

Cas stares at him with wide eyes and mouth agape, his heart feels out of rhythm.

"You are drunk," he breathes out eventually.

"Of course I am! It’s my brother’s wedding!" he chuckles and spins Cas around but this time he presses him to himself back to chest, wrapping his arms around Cas’ waist. He kisses the shell of his ear.

"Are you tired?" he whispers.

"No, not at all." Cas lets his head fall back on Dean’s shoulder.

"Good, because I want to take you to our room and ride you like a pony."

Cas almost chokes on his saliva. He turns and looks at Dean. Dean’s smile is smug and confident and his eyes bright enough that Cas is convinced he won’t fall asleep during foreplay.

"What are you waiting for?" he smiles back at him.

 


	4. Fourth Month

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something angsty because too much fluff isn´t good for your health. All feedback is appreciated! You can find me on [tumblr](http://cas-lost-grace.tumblr.com/)

"Dean? Is that you?" Last time Dean had heard that deep voice was months ago, but it’s was impossible not to recognize the accent.

"Benny?" Dean says as he turns and is pulled into a hug, he huffs out a laugh.

"How’s it goin, brother?" he pats Dean’s shoulder. Dean shakes his head with a smile: "You wouldn’t believe how much has happened since we met."

"Well, do you have time to grab a beer and catch me up?"

Dean looks at his watch. "Yeah, I do. Give me a minute, I need to call home."

"To your wife?"

Dean snorts and drops his eyes to his feet, a soft smile tugs at the corners of his lips. "No to my..." he takes a deep breath and looks up at Benny,"To my boyfriend."

"Wow, I really need to hear this."

 

"Hey, Cas!"

"Hello, Dean, are you on your way home? It’s late."

"Uhm yeah Cas, that’s why I’m calling. I’ve met someone, a friend, and we're having a few beers, so I'm gonna be late."

"Uhm…fine."

"Don’t wait up. Sweet dreams."

"Yeah, bye." Cas hangs up and stares at the wall. A cold hand of anxiety is squeezing his guts. He was present when Dean made an almost identical phone call to Lisa. And they definitely didn’t just have a few beers. It’s stupid, he’s being paranoid. He should have faith in Dean. Dean wouldn’t do that to him, at least he wouldn’t be so stupid to do it the same way he did the first time. No, Dean’s not cheating on him, he’s just having a beer with a friend. Yeah, Castiel should calm the fuck down.

 

When Dean comes home the lights are off, but he can hear the TV. Cas is huddled on the couch, watching Princess Bride, holding a cup of hot chocolate.

"Hey, babe, you’re not sleeping?" Dean leans over the back of the couch and kisses Cas’ cheek, he smells of hot chocolate.

"I couldn’t fall asleep." Cas looks up at him, apparently examining how drunk he is. Dean shuts his eyes and touches the tip of his nose to demonstrate he’s okay. He shakes off his jacket and flops himself on the couch beside Cas.

"Princess Bride huh? Is something wrong?" He know it’s Cas' comfort movie.

Cas shakes his head and reaches for the remote.

"No, I just couldn’t sleep, that’s all." He pauses the movie and turns to Dean.

"So you had a good time?"

Dean runs his hand through his hair. "Yeah, it was nice. I don’t know Benny very well but I really like to talk to him. At least this time we exchanged numbers," he chuckles. Castiel frowns.

"Who’s Benny? Do I know him?"

"No he’s the guy I met... uh, I met him when we... when we broke up. You remember? When you punched me and told me to fuck off." Dean smiles as if it was just a funny story.

Cas’ frown deepens. "The guy you met at a bar? The one who kissed you?"

"What? Oh no, no he didn’t! Well he tried, but I didn’t let him."

"But he tried," Cas repeats gravely.

"What’s up Cas? Are you jealous?"

"Of course I am!" Cas barks out and Dean freezes.

"Of course?" he raises an eyebrow.

"Yes, considering how our relationship started, it’s only understandable I’m a bit insecure!"

Dean jumps to his feet. "Yeah, I see, it’s understandable because I’m a slut."

"Dean, that’s not what I…“

"I cheated on Lisa, so I'll cheat on you too. Yeah that makes sense!" He’s yelling now, flailing his hands angrily.

"Dean, please, don’t…“

"You're right. Of course. I cheated on Lisa because I’m a whore, not because I love you or anything, yeah that would be stupid," he laughs hysterically.

Cas stands up and walks right into Dean’s space.

"Dean, I didn’t say any of this and I don’t think any of this. What I wanted to say is that I’m nervous because I know... because I know that you are capable of cheating. Dean! I heard you lie to your wife a thousand times! I heard you telling her the exact thing you told me tonight!"

Dean doesn’t step back, no, he leans closer so their noses are almost touching and the daggers in Dean’s eyes are dangerous.

"Yes, I was lying to my wife and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I broke up with her and it was one of the most painful things in my life and you know how fucked up my life is. And I did it for you, you fucking bastard!  I loved Lisa and I was content with her, but I gave it up because I was sure you were the right one for me! I know I hurt her so fucking much and I would NEVER hurt ANYONE like that ever again ESPECIALLY YOU! Yeah I was capable of cheating because YOU gave me the reason, because you were special. But if you think I could do those horrible things again, maybe you don’t know me as well as I thought. Maybe you’re not so special and this whole thing was a mistake." Dean’s voice is so calm and cold it freezes the blood in Cas’ veins. He can’t take a breath, his eyes are burning with tears. Dean whirls away from Cas and grabs his jacket. Cas wants to reach for Dean but his limbs feel too weak to move.

"I’ll be at Sammy’s. Don’t call me."

And then he’s gone.

 

Castiel doesn’t know what to do, how to fix this. He wants to prepare an apology but he can’t think straight. He panics. What if this is it? This is the end. Dean's realized Cas isn’t worth it and he's leaving him. Maybe if he begs... but then Dean would see how weak and pathetic he is and he won’t want him. Cas finally stops pacing around the room. He grabs his phone and stares at it. He has Dean’s photo set as a background, a picture Dean hates. The sight of it makes his heart ache. _Don’t call me_ , Dean said. How can he say such thing? That’s the worst thing. It’s like saying he doesn’t want to fix it, like it can’t be fixed. Cas drops the phone and crawls back into his nest of blankets and pillows on the couch. He watches Princess Bride.

 

When Dean comes home next morning, he doesn’t speak, actually he doesn’t even look at Cas. He changes his clothes and goes to work. Castiel cooks dinner, he bakes pie. He hopes Dean will at least let him apologize.

"I had pizza at work," Dean says when he looks at the set table.

"Oh..." Cas feels like he’s been stabbed. "There’s a pie as well."

Dean cocks an eyebrow. "Pie, Cas? Seriously? You are bribing me with pie?" He locks himself in the bedroom after that exchange.

Cas sleeps on the couch again. Actually he doesn’t really sleep, he can’t. Next morning he tries to corner Dean in the kitchen. He knows it isn’t fair to talk to him before he has his first coffee but he has no other choice.

"No," Dean says the moment Cas opens his mouth.

"Dean, please."

"No." Dean shakes his head. He leaves home without coffee. Cas‘ knees feel week, he wants to curl on the floor and just cease to exist. Unfortunately he has to go to work.

 

"You look like shit, Cassie." Balthazar says when Cas arrives at work. He pats Cas on the shoulder. "Trouble in Paradise?"

Cas doesn’t even have strength to tell him to shut up. He just shakes his head and sighs. Balthazar looks at him with concern. "Seriously, pal, what’s wrong? Did Dean hurt you?"

Castiel huffs out a mirthless laugh. "No, Balthazar, he didn’t. I... I fucked up."

"Do you want have comfort sex with me?"

Cas looks at him with disgust.

"Okay, okay," Balthazar chuckles, "Let’s talk then. Tell me what happened."

"I don’t want to talk about it."

"Yeah, neither do I but I can’t let you mope around, you'll scare the visitors away."

So they talk, it helps a little. Cas finds new courage to face Dean. It lasts until the exact moment he sees him.

 

"Hello, Dean," he greets him when he gets home from the gallery. Dean’s watching TV, he reaches for the remote and turns the volume up. And that’s it. Cas doesn’t try anything that night.

It’s obvious Dean doesn’t want to talk. Cas needs to find another way to get to him. He paces back and forth in front of the bedroom door for more than 10 minutes, then he finally enters. Dean is curled on his half of the bed. Cas sighs. He looks so peaceful when he sleeps. Cas lies in the bed, careful not to wake Dean. He pulls the covers over himself and sighs happily. At least he can pretend everything is okay when Dean’s asleep.

Dean stirs and sits up, he grabs his pillow and leaves to go and sleep in the living room. He doesn't even look at Cas.

 

Cas can’t bear it, he simply can’t, it’s too much. It’s been a week and Dean is still cold and uncommunicative. Cas doesn’t know how to approach him and he’s scared that however he does will only make Dean angry. But the silence hurts, it hurts to be ignored. He just can’t stand it anymore. The day Dean leaves to for work without saying goodbye Castiel makes a decision. It takes him 10 minutes to pack up.

 

"Cassie? What the hell are you doing here?"

"Can’t I just visit my brother?"

"Of course you can but you never do!" Gabe let‘s him in. He’s wearing a pair of boxers and white tank top, holding a cupcake.

"So what’s wrong? Did Dean hurt you again? A swear this time I’m gonna cut his balls off!"

"No, Gabe, that’s… that’s not what happened," Castiel feels tears welling in his eyes, "I... I fucked up, Gabe." He sniffs loudly when his brother pulls him into a hug.

"Come on Cassie, tell me everything. Do you want a cupcake?"

 

Sam opens the door to see the panicked face of his brother.

"Dean, what…“

"He’s gone! Sam! He’s gone!" Dean yells, pulling at his hair desperately.

"Cas? What happened?" Sam feels his heart pounding with fear.

"He left me! I fucked up and now he’s gone!"

Sam exhales heavily. "Oh my god, Dean, you scared me! I thought something bad happened to him."

Dean’s eyes widen. "I didn’t even think about that! What if something has happened? What if he’s hurt?!"

Sam grips his shoulders to make him stop pacing. "Dean! Calm down and tell me what happened. Why would he leave you?"

 

"Hello?"

"Hello, this is Sam Winchester."

"Hey, Sam! How are you? It’s nice to speak to you again. I think about you a lot. I hope you’re calling to ask me out."

Sam chuckles, feeling a bit embarrassed as always when talking to Gabriel. "Gabe, I’m calling because of your brother."

"You mean my stupid brother who ran away from your stupid brother?"

"Yeah. That one. Could you… could you tell him to at least let Dean know he’s alive? He’s freaking out."

Gabriel looks at Cas who’s huddled on the couch and looking up at him with those big blue eyes.

"Dean is freaking out?" he repeats after Sam and watches Cas’ eyes widen even more.

"Yeah, the guy is a mess," there’s a pause in which Sam dodges from Dean’s reach, "he really misses your brother and is sorry he fucked up."

Gabriel snorts. "Aren’t they a couple of dumbasses? Cas has been crying for days that it was his fault." He ignores Cas’ angry stare.

"Gabe, can you just drag him to airport and make him take the first flight home? I’m afraid Dean might do something stupid."

"Don’t worry, Sam. I’ll take care of it."

"Thanks, Gabe."

"But you owe me a date."

"Of course." Sam chuckles hanging up.

 

Castiel expects Dean to be asleep when he finally gets home. He actually hopes Dean is asleep. It would be much easier, it'd give Cas some time to sort his thoughts. Gabriel and Sam tried to convince him Dean wants him to come back, that he misses him and is not angry anymore but it’s hard to believe it. How could he want him back? He let him leave, he was so angry he couldn't even look at Cas. Why would he change his mind? Castiel deserves that, he screwed everything up, he should leave Dean alone. But here he is, opening the door of Charlie’s apartment and walking into the dark hallway. The lights are off, he proceeds slowly to the living room. His heart skips a beat and his stomach turns when he sees Dean sitting in an armchair under the window. Dean stares, face illuminated by the light of the streetlamp. There are deep shadows under his eyes and his cheeks are stubbled. Cas drops his bag on the floor and shuts his eyes. He takes a deep breath and looks at Dean, who doesn't move.

"Can we put off fighting until tomorrow?" His voice sounds weird, as if he hasn’t been using it for a long time, "I really missed you and all I want is to hug you." He feels tears welling up in his eyes. Dean shakes his head.

"I don’t want to fight," he extends a hand, "Come here."

Cas’ feet work on their own will, he’s like a moth drawn to a flame. When he’s close enough, Dean pulls him down into his lap. A broken sob escapes Cas’ throat when he wraps his arms around Dean’s neck. Dean squeezes him tightly.

"Don’t do that again," he breathes out, "you can’t just run away like that."

Cas pulls away just to look at Dean’s face. "You locked me out, you mustn’t push me away like that."

"I won’t do it again, I promise."

"I’m so sorry," Cas sobs, a stray tear runs down his cheek and hangs from his chin, Dean wipes it away.

"I was so stupid, you were right, I was so stupid..."

Dean shushes him and presses their lips together. "Yes, you were stupid, but I overreacted and I’m sorry."

Cas sighs deeply and buries his face into the crook of Dean’s neck. Dean runs his fingers through his hair.

"Oh god, I missed you so much. I thought I lost you," he says, his voice cracking with unshed tears.

Cas is clinging to him like a lifeline. He brushes his lips against Dean’s stubbled jawline. "I was so scared, I thought you didn’t want me anymore."

Dean huffs out a desperate laugh. "We're so stupid." He kisses him, long and deep, the kind of kiss that says everything words can’t express.

When they part, Cas laughs breathlessly. "We shouldn’t ever do it again."

"We won’t."

"I love you, I love you so much it hurts sometimes." Cas cries again, not able to hold back the tears that are flowing freely right now. Dean kisses them away and pulls Cas closer, hand fisting in the fabric of his trench coat. "I know, I know Cas," he whispers into his hair.

They sit there, pressed so close to each other that they can feel each other’s heartbeat. They stay like that until their breathing slows and the tears dry on their cheeks.


	5. Fifth Month

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to [Kirsty](http://matt-ismyhero.tumblr.com/)  
> who´s not only a talented beta but also a good friend and a great support!

"Oh Dean!" Cas’ hand clenches at the covers as Dean’s hot wet tongue swipes over his perineum. Where Dean used to lack experience, he made up for it with fervour and he’s been a quick learner. Now he can undo Cas within minutes, but he loves to torture him tenderly for as long as he can before his own body loses patience.

Cas gasps when the tip of Dean’s tongue pokes inside of him. Dean’s big hands are rubbing his buttocks, his stubble is scratching the sensitive skin, sending sparks up his spine.

Cas moans and begs for more when the phone rings. 

"Nooo," he whines, when Dean leaves him to answer the call.

"Sorry babe, but it might be Lisa. Oh, see, it’s her." His fingers shake a little when he click the green button and answers the call. Cas rolls to his side to look at him.

"Lisa? What? Already?" Dean´s eyes widen and he bites his lower lip. Cas frowns, hoping everything is alright.

"Yes... okay... okay we will be there ASAP. Just... stay calm okay... yeah I know... okay, we are on our way."

He hangs up and it’s not only his hands that are shaking, he looks like he might collapse any second. He turns to Cas with fear in his eyes.

"It’s here. It’s happening Cas."

"She’s in labour?"

Dean nods and stares at the phone in his hands like it has answers to whatever is running through his head.

"Calm down, Dean. It can take hours."

"No! It won’t! Her water broke already! She’s in a hospital! Cas! We have to get there!" He jumps to his feet and starts to fumble for his clothes.

"Oh," Cas sighs and looks at his softening cock. This will have to wait.

"Why didn’t she call you sooner?" he asks while putting on his underwear.

"I don’t know!" Dean snaps and the reason is suddenly clear to Cas. She didn’t want to spend hours with a hysterical Winchester. ~~~~

Getting out of the apartment takes them much longer than Dean would like, mainly because he is hardly able to get his clothes on in the right order. Once they finally head towards the Impala, Cas snatches the keys from Dean’s hand.

"What are you doing?"

"Look at yourself, you’re not able to drive."

"Of course I’m able to drive!"

"Dean, do you want to get to the hospital or not?"

Dean crosses his arms on his chest.

"Fine," he mumbles and gets into the passenger seat.

On the way to the hospital Dean can’t stay calm. He fiddles with the radio, then looks out the window, biting his thumb and bouncing his leg. Cas squeezes his knee.

"It’s gonna be okay, Dean." Dean sighs but relaxes a bit, he squeezes Cas’ hand.

"I’m glad you're here with me."

Castiel smiles.

 

They get to the hospital and find the maternity ward. Dean runs up to the first person in scrubs he sees. Cas hangs back, out of the line of fire.

“I'm looking for Lisa Winchester,” Dean rushes out, “she's my – uh- she's in labour.”

"You're the father?" the nurse asks Dean, "right on time. Things are going a bit faster than we expected," she adds when he nods vigorously.

"Is... is everything okay? Is the baby okay?"

"The baby is fine and eager to get into  the world. Come on, hurry." She dresses Dean in an ugly green hospital gown and hauls him into Lisa’s room.

"Who are you? Are you going in?" she barks at Cas.

"I... ugh. No. No, I’ll wait here." She shrugs and disappears in. The doors shut behind her muffling Lisa’s cries of pain and the reassuring voices of Dean and the doctors.

 

Castiel waits. He’s nervous, of course he is, even though he knows Lisa and the baby are in the best hands.

He sits in the empty hallway, fiddling with the hem of his coat. He feels left out but he knows his place is here alone, not inside with Dean and Lisa. It’s their moment, their child, Castiel doesn’t belong in it. And he never will, not really. He’s happy for them, of course he is. But there’s also his selfish part that knows he will never have the kind of bond with Dean like Lisa has. And he’s scared, he’s scared Dean will never belong to him fully, he’s scared he'll change his mind and return to Lisa. It’s stupid, Castiel knows that. But the treacherous part of his mind that's full of doubts  won't leave him alone. He takes a deep breath and tries to focus on Dean. He imagines him at Lisa’s side. He bets Dean has buried all his fear deep inside so he can support her. He's probably holding her hand and demonstrating breathing techniques. Cas’ lips curl up into a soft smile. Dean is a good man and he will be an amazing father. Cas wants to share the happiness with him, he wants to support him. But what if Dean doesn’t want him to?

 

Even though the nurse said it’s going fast, it seems like an eternity to Cas. He paces back and forth, his steps echo in the corridor. Then finally the door opens and Dean bursts out.

"Cas! It’s a boy!" His face is a mask of pure bliss, even though there’s sweat on his forehead. He throws his arms around Cas and pulls him into a hug so tight it hurts a little.

"I have a baby boy," he whispers into Cas’ ear and there are tears running down his cheeks and falling behind Cas collar. Cas hugs him back, he chuckles happily, even though he can barely breathe.

"Now I have everything I could wish for," Dean adds and kisses him. And all Castiel’s doubts melt away.

* * *

 

"He’s awesome, Sam. Eight pounds! He’ll be strong and tall like his daddy!"

Sam smiles and pats his brother’s shoulder, then refills his glass with whisky.

"What did you say you named him?"

"Benjamin, after Lisa’s Dad."

"I like it."

"And what do you think, Cas? You’re so quiet. Did you even see the baby?" Sarah asks.

Cas takes a sip from his glass before he answers.

"Yeah, I saw him, he was very... small. And wrinkled."

Sarah laughs. "Yeah, all newborns are ugly."

"Sarah!" Sam gasps.

"Come on, Sam, it’s true. Babies are cute but not when they are... fresh."

Dean laughs. "I can’t wait when you have your own baby and I tell you it’s ugly and wrinkled."

"I’ll bite your head off," she grins at him.

"But it’s different. I'll be high on hormones and exhausted. How’s Lisa by the way?"

"She’s doing well. She was so brave." He pinches the bridge of his nose. All the emotions and alcohol make him feel a bit shaky. Cas grabs his hand and pulls him into his lap. Dean chuckles and nuzzles his neck.

"You should stay here and in the morning we can go to visit them all together," Sarah suggests.

"Only if Sam won’t take the huge elephant he bought."

"Of course I will, it’s awesome."

Dean sighs and shuts his eyes resting his head on Cas’ shoulder.

"Whatever makes you happy." He murmurs before he dozes off.


	6. Sixth Month

"We don´t live together anymore but I can still tell when something´s bothering you. So, spit it out," Lisa says, wiping spit off Ben´s face. The child makes a gurgling sound and Dean rocks him in his arms.

"I can´t."

"Is it about Cas? Come on, you can tell me."

Dean sighs watching his son squeezing his finger in his tiny hand.

"He never touches Ben. I know it must be weird for him but I... I though we were in this together."

"He knows I don´t mind, right?"

"Yeah, I told him you´re okay with him being in Ben´s life, but he keeps his distance."

"You know what? Maybe it´s not about Ben being _our_ baby but about him being, well, a baby. Some people are nervous around babies."

"Yeah, you´re right. I don't know if Cas has ever been around a baby before." Dean smiles softly and kisses Ben´s bald head. It´s soft and has that unmistakeable _baby_ smell.

"Okay, let´s make a plan. We can set up a little trap on your man."

"You´re the best, Lisa."

"Yeah, I know. It's a popular opinion"

 

* * *

 

Castiel comes home to Dean changing Ben´s diaper on their couch.

"Hey! Look who arrived! Say hello to Cas," Dean coos to the baby.

"Hello. Where´s Lisa?"

"She needed to take care of some things and she deserves some alone time. So it´s just me and Ben. I´m gonna take him for a walk, come with us?"

"Yeah, yeah okay," Cas nods, still a bit taken aback. He stares at Dean who scoops the baby into his arms and goes to throw away the used diaper.

"Hey, Cas, can you grab his pacifier? It´s in the bag over there."

Cas hurries to the bag lying on the floor next to the couch. He rummages through the ridiculous number of sections but can´t find it.

"It´s not here, Dean," he says a bit desperate because he hears that Ben's started crying.

"Oh, it must be in the pram then. Hold him, I´ll look for it." He shoves the crying baby towards Cas, who takes a step back with a look of utter terror on his face.

"N-no. I can´t Dean. I don´t know h-"

" You ever held a cat? It´s the same! You just need to support his head, like this." Dean explains while angling Cas' elbow to take the weight of Ben's head and placing the baby into Cas´ arms.

"Yeah, that´s it, hold him close to your chest so he can hear your heart, but not too tight. Good." Dean presses a gentle kiss to Ben´s head, then to Cas´ temple and heads to the hallway. He grins triumphantly when he fishes for the pacifier. Lisa is a genius.

"He won´t stop crying!" Cas shouts from the living room, desperation clear in his voice.

"Rock him gently."

"I am. It's not working. Dean, please, take him. He doesn´t like this." Now he sounds like he´s on a verge of crying.

"Here, this'll help," Dean says, shoving the pacifier between Ben´s lips. It immediately slips out because the infant doesn´t close his mouth, still crying. Dean frowns and tries it again, holding it against his lips until the baby sucks it in. After two seconds of blessed silence, Ben spits it out and starts crying again.

"He´s in distress! Something is wrong Dean. Do something." Castiel says panicked, rocking the baby in his arms.

"Calm down. Babies cry, it´s natural."

"I don´t want him to cry. Maybe he´s hungry? Or cold? Too hot?"

Dean touches Ben´s tiny red cheek, it´s hot but it´s probably just from crying.

"I think it´s just gas."

"Gas?"

"Yeah, in his belly," Dean explains and pushes his hand between Cas´chest and Ben´s little body, rubbing his small tummy.

"Yeah, pretty sure it's gas. Let´s try this." He takes the baby from Cas´ arms but before he can sigh in relief, Dean hands the baby back to him, this time with his back to Cas´ chest.

"Okay, hold his legs," he leads Cas to wrap his fingers around Ben´s tiny ankles.

"Press his knees to his belly. Yeah, exactly like this. This way you press his belly so the gas can get out and at the same time he can watch his daddy." Dean says and waves at Ben, who stops crying and takes a deep breath.

"It's working!" Cas breathes out, eyes wide with surprise. He laughs under his breath and looks down to the baby, who sucks on his own fist. He must admit that it´s quite nice to feel the little warm body against his chest, now that Ben´s not crying.

"See? You´re good with children, no need to worry. They´re not as breakable as they look."

"I wouldn´t know what to do if you weren´t here."

"Yeah, but you don´t need, to know, because I´ll always be here. Besides, everything comes with practice. I only know these things because I took care of Sammy."

Dean realizes that Cas is staring at him in awe. He chuckles and kisses his lips.

"Okay, let´s go for a walk. I´ll take the pram downstairs and you take Ben, okay?"

Cas nods, adjusting the boy in his arms.

* * *

 

"Cas?" Dean wants to talk about something unpleasant. Cas is sure about that. Dean always chooses to talk about something unpleasant when Cas is in a post coital bliss.

"Mhm?" he rolls over and rests his head on Dean´s chest. "What is it, Dean?"

"Promise me that you won´t freak out."

"I can´t promise you that, I don´t have such control over my emotional reactions. But I can promise I will try."

"Okay. So... Charlie called." Dean says, rubbing Cas´ back.

"And?"

"They´re coming back."

Castiel just nods so Dean continues.

"I thought it might be time for us to buy a small house together?"

"Yeah. I agree."

Dean stirs so he can look into Cas´ eyes.

"What?"

"Actually I was already looking for a house myself."

"Really?"

"Yes. It´s only logical. I knew that it was just a matter of time before Charlie and Dorothy come back and I like this apartment, but it´s not ours. Besides, we need a nursery and it´s hell getting the baby carriage to the elevator."

Dean stares at him with his mouth agape.

"What´s wrong, Dean?"

"Fuck, I love you so much," he breathes out and kisses him passionately.


	7. SEVENTH MONTH

 

Dean wraps his arms around Cas’ middle. The other man puts down the knife he was using to chop onions and cranes his neck to kiss Dean’s cheek. He has his "I’m fine" smile which means he’s definitely not fine.

"What’s wrong?" Dean asks, and reaches for a piece of chorizo that lies on the chopping  board. Cas swats his hand away.

"Nothing, I’m fine."

"No, you’re not. Is it about the house?"

Cas sighs and picks up the knife again, he starts to chop a bell pepper like he has a personal vendetta against it.

"I know it’s stupid but I just can’t stop thinking about it. The house was perfect."

"I know, Cas," Dean rubs his shoulder soothingly.

"I know we’ll find something suitable that we can actually afford, but this one..." he turns to Dean and leans against the counter.

"I could imagine us being happy there. I could see how perfect the nursery would be and a could have a real studio in the attic." He sighs again and bows his head.

"I know Cas," Dean grabs his shoulders and places a soft kiss on his forehead.

"Maybe if we take a mortgage and ask Sam to lend us some money...."

"No, Dean. That would be stupid. I know there will be another house for a better price that we can make a perfect home for us."

Dean nods. "Right," he cups Cas’ cheek with his hand and kisses him.

Cas moans and pushes him away.

"Go away, I’m trying to cook and you’re very distracting."

Dean chuckles as he finally snatches a piece of the sausage and runs away.

 

It feels like they've already seen a hundred houses. None of them was good enough. They were too big or too small, too expensive or too far away. They are lying on the couch, Cas has his legs stretched over Dean’s lap and they're eating chinese takeout straight from a box when the phone rings.

Cas writhes on the couch to take it out from his back pocket and says a tired "Shurley" when he sees the unknown number.

Dean sees the color leave Castiel’s face. The man hangs up without saying a word, he lets the phone slip from his hand.

"Cas?" Dean snaps his fingers in front of Cas’ face. Castiel blinks at him.

"Are you okay? Who was it?" Dean asks with concern.

Cas gulps. "It was my father."

"What? What did he say?"

"Nothing. He...said his name and I hung up."

"Oh my god, Cas! Call him back."

Something in Cas’ face changes, his eyes darken. "No."

"Come on, Cas."

"He didn’t try to contact me all my life. I... think it’s too late now. I don’t want to talk to him." His expression is stern and his voice firm when he talks, but Dean knows him too well. He sees the utter sadness in his eyes.

"Okay," Dean sighs and pulls Cas into a hug.

 

It doesn’t let him sleep. Dean can’t stop thinking about it. He gets why Cas doesn’t want to talk to his dad but on the other side... there must be a good reason why he called now. Maybe he’s dying and wants to reconcile with Cas. Cas might think he doesn’t want to talk with his dad, but Dean is sure he would regret it if he wasted his only chance.

Castiel can’t get it out of his head either. They don’t talk about it but Dean can tell. He can see the circles under Cas’ eyes darkening with every night he doesn’t sleep. He sees how distracted he is during the days. Of course it worries Dean. He tries to talk about it but Cas shoots him such a tortured look that he stops himself.

But when he notices that Cas has left his phone at home and gone running, he can’t resist. He finds the only unknown number among received calls and dials it.

"The phone of Carver Edlund. It’s Becky speaking. How can I help you?"

"I’d like to talk to Carv... to Chuck Shurley."

The woman on the other end clicks her tongue.

"Who are you?"

"I’m Castiel Shurley. His son."

Becky gasps. "Oh my god," she nearly squeals.

"I’m so sorry, Chuck can’t talk to you at the moment, but he really wants to! He actually wants to meet with you. Can we make an appointment?"

"Look, Becky, if my father wants to talk to me, he should get his ass to the phone. I’m not going to make an appointment with his secretary like some..."

"Wait, Castiel, please wait. It’s really very important for your father to meet you, but he really can’t talk to you right now. I’m sure he’ll explain everything later. Just please tell me when and were you want to meet and he’ll be there."

Dean sighs and tells her they’ll meet on Friday at five in a coffee shop nearby. She agrees happily and he hangs up. Only when he looks at the phone in his hand does he realize that he’ll have to tell Cas what he’s done.

 

When Cas comes from his run and heads straight to the bathroom, Dean sheds his clothes and slips into the shower with him.

"Hey, handsome, need some help?" He purrs when he wraps his arms around Cas’ waist. Castiel smiles and lets his head fall against Dean’s shoulder.

"How could I say no to you?"

Dean washes his hair, gently massaging his scalp, making the man moan. He proceeds to rub Cas’ shoulders and back.

"Oh yes, I needed this," Cas sighs when Dean soaps his chest, fingers grazing over his nipples.

Dean kisses his neck and smiles against his skin.

"I didn’t even get to the best part yet." He lets his hand slide lower and rubs Cas’ protruding hipbones before he starts to stroke his hardening cock. Cas relaxes against his chest and shuts his eyes. The obscene sounds he’s making mix with the sound of water and fill the little space of their bathroom. Dean sucks dark love marks on his neck and shoulders and enjoys the way his lover writhes in his arms.

Cas comes with a grunt and a cry of Dean’s name.

He’s still breathing heavily and shaking with the force of his orgasm, when he turns to wrap his arms around Dean’s neck. He’s smiling for the first time since the phone call from Chuck.

They kiss and Cas’ hands wander over Dean’s body, ready to return the favor

"Your father wants to meet with you," Dean says when his lips leave Cas’, pretending it’s not a forbidden topic. Castiel freezes.

"What? How do you know?"

"Because I called him. I talked with his assistant and we made an appointment."

Castiel frowns. " You did what? Are you fucking kidding me?" He slams his hand against Dean’s wet chest. It hurts but Dean just clenches his teeth and grabs Cas’ shoulders.

"Cas, calm down, please. Let me explain."

"Don’t touch me!" Cas wrenches himself from Dean’s grip and shoves him against a wall.

"You fucking bastard! How could you do that? And you... fuck." He takes a deep breath. "You did it again, you used sex against me! You’re insufferable!" He steps out of the shower and storms out of the bathroom leaving wet footprints on the carpet.

Dean sighs and turns the water off. He wraps a towel around his hips.

He founds Cas in the bedroom wriggling his wet ass into a pair of jeans. He doesn’t even get a chance to say anything before Cas snaps at him again.

"I simply can’t believe you did this behind my back. How could you?"

"Because you wouldn’t talk about it, Cas. I tried."

"Yeah, there’s a good reason I didn’t want to talk about it. The same reason why I hung up in the first place!"

"I know, I get it, Cas. But I just couldn’t live with the thought that it might be your only chance to talk to him. Your only chance to get an explanation."

Cas calms down a little bit, but his voice is still an angry growl. "It’s none of your business."

"Well that’s not how I see it. You’re my business and I think you’re being stupid."

Cas snorts and pulls on a t-shirt.

"I would give anything to have a chance to talk to my dad one last time. I don’t want you to live with the same feeling."

Cas turns to him, eyes dark with anger. "We’re not the same, Dean." With that he leaves the room and a moment later Dean hears a sound of the door slamming shut.

 

Dean’s a bit nervous when Cas doesn’t come home. He knows Cas doesn’t have any friends in town besides Dean and his family and of course Balthazar. The thought of Cas running to Balthazar makes Dean sick. He toys with the idea of calling Gabriel and telling him to check on his brother but eventually he thinks it might only make Cas even angrier.

He goes to bed but can’t fall asleep. He grabs his phone and when he sees it’s 2am already, he decides to call Cas. That’s when he hears the door. He doesn’t get out of bed, just waits and pretends he’s asleep. Cas stumbles into the bedroom and doesn’t turn on the light. He takes off his pants, swearing under his breath. By the way his voice is slurred Dean knows he’s hammered. There’s a moment of silence so long that Dean fights an urge to open his eyes. Then Cas sighs, much closer than before. He strokes Dean’s cheek, his hand is warm and a little bit too heavy.

"You stupid bastard," Cas whispers and sniffs. Then the mattress shifts as Cas lies down.

 

When Dean gets up, Cas is still dead to the world. Dean puts a glass of water and an Advil on the nightstand and goes to work.

He manages to get off work early to find Cas huddled on the couch.

"I stopped at Sammy’s and Sarah sent you some soup, do you want me to warm it up for you?"

"Yes, thank you." Cas turns to him over the back of the couch. His hair is mussed even more than usual and he has dark circles under his eyes. Dean finds it incredibly cute.

He puts the soup into the microwave and waits for it to warm up.

"Dean?" Cas calls from the living room.

"Yeah?"

"When is the appointment with my father?"

Dean wants to sigh with relief but he keeps his composure. "On Friday at five."

Cas nods and rubs the back of his neck.

"Will you go with me?"

"I, uh, yeah- if that’s what you want."

"I can’t do it without you."

Dean comes closer and squeezes Cas´ shoulder. "I’ll be there with you and if you kill him I’ll help you hide the body, okay?" Cas chuckles but his eyes are glistening with tears.

"You shouldn’t have done it behind my back."

"I know, I’m sorry." Dean drops beside him on the couch and pulls him into a hug.

* * *

 

Dean rubs Cas’ shoulder as they enter the coffee shop. He’s not sure how they’re going to recognize Cas’ father but fortunately, there’s not many people in here. When Cas spots a scrawny guy with a hunted expression and a blond woman rubbing his shoulders the way Dean did it for him, he freezes. He wants to turn on his heel and run away, but Dean tightens his grip on him.

"It’s him?" he whispers into Cas’ ear. Castiel nods and lets Dean drag him to their table. The man - Chuck, Cas’ father, jumps to his feet and the woman - Becky, his assistant follows suit.

"H-hello," Chuck stutters, staring into Cas’ eyes. He extends his hand but Cas doesn’t shake it. Chuck wavers a little, looking at Dean. "I’m Chuck, This is my... my editor Becky." Becky smiles brightly and waves at them.

"This is Dean, my partner," Cas says in a gravelly voice. His eyes are dark and cold. Dean knows that he expects his father might reject him for his sexuality like his mother did, but Chuck only smiles at Dean and nods.

"Please, take a seat." He motions to the table and they all sit down. Dean places his hand on Cas’ knee in what he believes is an reassuring gesture.

"So uh..." Chuck plays with his coffee mug, apparently unsure how to start.

"Why did you want to meet me?" Cas still sounds cold but not hostile. Chuck looks up to meet his eyes.

"My therapist told me to."

"So I’m just one of twelve steps or something?" Cas snaps.

Chuck visibly cringes and Becky squeezes his hand on the table.

"No, Castiel, I... just let me explain. Please, I just need to give you an explanation. You may not believe it, I don’t know what your mother told you but just... let me tell you my side of the story. Please."

Dean sees Cas’ jaw shift under his skin and rubs his knee soothingly. Castiel nods slowly.

"Okay. But don’t expect it to change how I feel about you."

Chuck nods and takes a sip of his coffee.

"We were very young when your mother and I met. She got pregnant when she was in her sophomore year at college and we got married. Her family didn’t intervene. Maybe because my first book was published and it was quite successful, maybe because they expected her to leave me. We did okay, I finished college and got a job while I was working on my next book. Things got tougher when Anna was born. I lost my job and my second book wasn’t selling as well as the first one. We ran out of money, had to sell our house and move to a small apartment. I was drinking. That’s when Zachariah came. He told Naomi he would pay off all our debts and take care of her if she left me. She agreed. I don’t blame her, she did it for Anna and Gabriel. I don’t know if she knew that Zachariah paid lawyers that..." Chuck takes a deep breath, the next words get stuck in his throat.

"They got a restraining order." There are tears in Chuck’s eyes; he sniffs loudly before he continues.

"I wasn’t allowed to see my babies. I didn’t even know Naomi was pregnant again, Castiel, I swear..." He trails off and bows his head. Becky wraps her arm around his shoulder. Dean wonders if they are together. She’s probably younger than Cas. He looks at Castiel, who’s just staring blankly.

"I wanted to contact you earlier, but I didn’t know what Naomi told you and I was afraid... I thought you would hate me, you have every right to hate me." Chuck sighs.

"And I was a drunk. My books got published but I was only able to write when I was drunk. Or that’s what I thought. That’s why I didn’t want to stop. Until I met Becky, who convinced me I don’t need booze to write." He smiles at his editor and she smiles back.

"I already talked to Gabriel and he told me that Naomi moved to Zachariah’s and he raised you with her. Gabe said that he ran away and Anna was sent to Europe so you were the only one to stay with your mother and Zach. He told me that you had to fight for what you loved. You’re an artist, right?"

"I just work in a gallery."

"But he paints and his paintings are beautiful. He even sold some," Dean adds and his heart swells when he sees the corner of Cas’ mouth twitch. Castiel reaches for his hand under the table and gives it a squeeze.

"Gabe also told me Naomi disowned you because you’re gay."

"Bisexual," Cas corrects almost inaudibly. Chuck nods curtly and continues.

"According to Gabe, it was harder for you than it was for him and Anna, but Dean helped you and you’re happy now." His eyes get teary again and he grabs something from his bag.

"I want to give you this." He places a piece of paper on the table and pushes it closer to Castiel. It’s a check and the amount of money makes Dean blink and look at it again. It won’t make Cas a millionaire but it’s quite a lot of money.

"It’s the profit from my latest book. I've also given you all the rights for it, so every penny that the book earns goes to your account."

Cas opens his mouth to say something but Chuck doesn’t let him.

"I’m not trying to buy you. I’ll understand if you won’t ever want to talk to me again. I just want to help. I wasn’t there for you when you needed it the most and I can’t make up for that, but I can help now. Please, Castiel, accept it."

Dean sees Cas press his lips together and squint at the check.

"Cas, can I talk to you for a minute? In private?" He doesn’t wait for reply, just grabs Cas’ shoulder and drags him out of the coffee shop.

"What the hell, Dean?"

"First, are you okay?"

Cas shakes his head and sighs. "I don’t know, Dean."

"Do you believe him?"

"Yeah, yes, I think it sounds like Zachariah and mother. And she never told us why he left, so yes, I believe him. But it doesn’t change much."

"Yeah, I know." He wraps his arms around Cas and pulls him into a hug. Cas lets out a heavy breath and clings to the back of Dean’s jacket.

"I’m glad you’re here with me."

"I’m glad you agreed to go." Dean kisses his temple and looks him in the eye.

"I know you don’t want to accept the money."

Cas frowns, he doesn’t deny it.

"I want you to think about the house. With that amount of money we could afford the house you fell in love with. I know you don’t want to owe him anything, you don’t want him to think he can buy your forgiveness. But please, don’t do it for him, do it for us. You know I’m an epitome of pride and stubbornness but I think you should take the money."

Cas averts his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose.

Dean wraps his arms around him.

"But I love you and I’m gonna support you no matter what, okay?"

Cas nods with a sigh.

"Are you ready to go back inside?"

"Yes, let’s go."

 

When they head back into the coffee shop, they see that Chuck seems devastated. Hunched over talking to Becky who tries to calm him down.

"He hates me," is the only thing Cas catches from their conversation before he clears his throat and takes a seat.

"I accept the money and your explanation," he says and Chuck lets out a short happy laugh.

"It doesn’t mean I want you in my life." When Chuck’s smile vanishes, Cas adds, "-it also doesn’t mean I don’t want to ever see you again. I just need some time." He looks at Dean who nods and squeezes his hand.

"Okay, yeah. That’s actually more than I hoped for. Oh God, thank you. You have no idea how happy I am," Chuck chuckles again with his palm pressed to his heart. He beams at Becky who returns the smile.

Cas is smiling but he seems somewhat unsure, he’s fidgeting with the check.

"I haven’t even read any of your books," he admits.

Chuck turns to him with a warm smile. "Well, that would be a great start."


	8. EIGHTH MONTH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you´ll like this part even though it´s not very Destiel ;)  
> Thank you for kudos and lovely comments!

Cas is home alone, packing his books. There's still some work that needs to be done before they can move to their new house. They spent last weekend painting and yesterday they finally found a couch Dean considered suitable. When Dean comes home today, they are going to start moving some boxes. Charlie and Dorothy are coming home at the end of the month and he and Dean must have moved out by then.

The knock on the door surprises him but not as much as his sister standing in the hallway, with eyes red from crying.

"Anna? What´s wrong?" He looks her over, worried that she might be hurt.

"Why didn´t you tell me?" she yells at him and sobs. "Why didn´t you warn me, Castiel?"

Cas blinks at her utterly confused.

"Come in and try to explain what you´re talking about."

She sniffs and steps into the apartment. He shuts the door and leads her into the living room.

"I´m talking about that... about that _freak_ who claimed to be our father and wanted to meet with me."

"Did you meet with him?"

"Yes," Anna sobs. "And he told me those terrible things!" She sniffs loudly and he hands her a Kleenex box.

"I´m gonna make you some tea and then we can talk."

"Okay," she nods and blows her nose.

The moment he enters the kitchen, he grabs his phone and dials Gabriel´s number.

"Come on, pick up the phone," he growls through gritted teeth.

"Heya little brother, need some sex advice?"

"Anna is here!" He tries to keep his voice low.

"Oh. I hope that you don´t want sex advice then. It´s kinda hot when Cersei and Jaime do it but my own siblings? No thanks. Besides that would make me Tyrion and I´m not..."

"Stop joking!" Cas cuts him off and looks at the door to the living room hoping that Anna didn´t hear him. He takes a deep breath to calm down.

"Anna is here and she´s crying and I have no idea what to do."

"Why is she crying?" At least now Gabriel sounds serious.

"Because she met Chuck and she´s upset by what he told her. You need to come, Gabe. I can´t handle this."

"Of course you can, Cassy. You actually don´t have another choice. Even if I could leave right now I would arrive around midnight and by then she´ll be alright."

"Do you think so?"

"Yeah, because you´re gonna comfort her."

"I don´t know how, Gabe," Cas says with a sigh. "I don´t even know why she came here."

"Because you´re family and this is about family."

Cas sighs again and rubs his temples.

"Did she tell you why is she so upset?" Gabe asks after a moment of silence.

"No."

"So ask her and listen to her. She just needs somebody to talk to. Make her some tea and give her some chocolate and she´ll be all right."

"I´m not sure it´s gonna be so easy."

"Come on, Cas. You can´t be so terrible with people."

"She´s not people. She´s Anna. She´s like mom, just a little bit less scary."

"See? It could have been worse!"

Cas chuckles and nods.

"Thank you, I´ll try to deal with her, but if she doesn´t stop crying, I´m making her call you."

"Deal. Don´t forget about the chocolate."

"Yeah. Bye."

"Bye, baby bro. Kiss Anna for me."

"Will do."

 

Cas returns to the living room with a steaming mug of herbal tea and his favourite dark chocolate. Fortunately Anna isn´t crying anymore. She´s lying on the couch and staring at the collection of action figures,

"Here´s you tea. I bought you some chocolate."

"Thank you, Cas," she breathes out. "These are all yours?" she motions to the miniature Avengers.

"No, this apartment belongs to my friend. All that stuff is hers." Anna nods and picks up the mug.

"We are moving out. We bought a nice house in Lawrence," he adds and she smiles at him weakly.

"That´s nice."

Cas exhales heavily and tries to stay focused. Anna used to give him advice all the time. But it was before she left, and they never found a way to each other again. And Cas was always the one asking for comfort. Now when the tables have turned, he´s seriously lost. But he has to try.

"So, Anna, tell me what Chuck told you to make you so angry."

She sighs and fidgets with her mug, she suddenly looks very young.

"I think he told me the same things he told you. That uncle Zachariah made him leave."

"You don´t believe him?"

She shakes her head, not looking at him.

"I can imagine Zachariah doing that. Even the restraining order. But mom? How could she let that happen?" She finally looks up, her eyes are glistening with tears again.

"She was trying to protect us. She didn´t want to raise us in poverty." He reaches for her hand and gives it a squeeze.

"I know, I get that but... why didn´t she tell us the truth?" The hurt in his sister´s voice makes Cas´ heart ache.

"I don´t know, Anna. Maybe she thought it would be too painful. Maybe she actually started to hate him. Zachariah was a manipulative dick. Who knows what bullshit he made her believe."

Anna purses her lips. "Don´t talk like that. He was still our uncle."

Cas huffs out a mirthless smile. "If you can still love Zachariah after everything, I think you should at least give Chuck a chance."

Anna rubs at her eyes and nods. "Yeah, you´re right."

There´s a rattle of key in a lock. Cas springs up to his feet.

"I´ll be right back." He hurries to the hallway.

"Hey." Dean smiles at him.

"Hello Dean. Uhm, Anna is here."

Dean freezes. "Oh. Is everything all right?"

"Yes, she just talked to Chuck and doesn´t feel good about it."

"Okay, fine, I guess I can go to the house alone then."

"Yeah, I think it would be better, thank you, I´m sorry." Cas kisses Dean´s cheek and the other man strokes the back of his neck soothingly.

"Let your boyfriend in, Cas!" Anna shouts from the living room. "I´m not gonna jump his bones or throw rocks at both of you if that´s what you´re afraid of."

Dean chuckles while Cas turns bright red. Dean sheds his jacket and takes Cas´ hand to lead him into the livingroom.

"Hey, Anna."

"Hello, Dean."

"Are you okay?" he asks when he looks at her face, she looks devastated.

"Yeah, I´m much better now thanks to Cas and this," she says and picks up the half eaten chocolate.

"Glad to hear that," he smiles at her and pulls Cas closer, then kisses his temple.

"Guys, if I´m ruining your plans, I can go."

Dean smiles and shakes his head. "We just wanted to go to our new house, there´s still a lot of work."

Her face brightens with excitement.

"Oh, the house! Can I go with you? I´d love to see it."

Dean looks at Cas who just shrugs. "Okay, you can help Cas paint the nursery."

"Nursery?" her eyes widen. "Is there something I should know about?"

Dean sighs and frowns at Cas. "You should seriously keep more in touch with your family."

Cas bows his head, cheeks flushed. "Okay, let´s go, Anna. I´ll fill you in on the way."


	9. Ninth Month

NINTH MONTH

 

"Wow," Dean breathes out. He rolls off of Castiel onto their perfect new carpet, in their perfect new living room, in their perfect new house.

"That was awesome, I don’t understand how it's possible for you to still have energy for that," Cas says, his chest heaving. Dean smiles at him and licks a bead of sweat from his neck.

"So where now?"

"What? You haven't had enough?" Cas’ eyes widen in shock.

"We've not gotten every surface in the house yet!"

"Yeah, but I’m sure it was enough to christen it."

Dean chuckles. "Yeah," he sighs dreamily, lost in memories of what happened earlier that day. "The kitchen was the best."

"Oh yes, the kitchen," Cas smiles and snuggles closer to Dean’s naked chest. Dean hisses in pain when Cas’ leg grazes over his knee.

"What’s wrong?"

"I have rug burn on my knees."

Cas shakes his head. "We’re such idiots."

"What? No! It was awesome!"

"But you got hurt." Cas presses a soft kiss to Dean’s lips. "We’re too old for this."

"You’re old," Dean huffs out. "And I hope you’re not _too old_ because we still didn’t fuck in the bathroom."

"Hmm, bathroom. Shower, I’d like that," Cas answers sleepily, eyes closed.

"Washing machine!" Dean shouts and sits up. Cas blinks at him.

"What? Did you install it wrong? I told you we should call a professional."

"No, I want you to fuck me on the washing machine."

Cas groans, covering his face with his palms.

"Come on, Cas! Let’s go." Dean sounds more enthusiastic and eager than a five year old on Christmas.

"You’re insane. We won’t be able to move tomorrow."

"We don’t have to, we have a day off, remember?" Cas can _hear_ his wide grin.

"Seriously, Dean, I’m too old for this. You’re gonna make me embarrass myself."

"Oh come on, Cas. I bet you can go for one last round." He mouths at Cas’ collar bone, then trails kisses down his chest. He sucks at his nipple, rubbing his hip. Cas sighs when his cock gives an interested twitch. He lets Dean drag him to his feet.

"You can fuck me on the washing machine then I’ll fuck you in the shower." Dean singsongs as he leads him into the bathroom.

"Can’t we like... cuddle instead? In the bed maybe?"

"We can cuddle in bed when we’re old!"

* * *

 

Dean comes home and walks straight into the kitchen. He opens the fridge and grabs a leftover container of stir-fry. He’s putting it into the microwave when he feels something rubbing against his ankle. He looks down to see a ginger cat looking up at him.

"Meow?" the cat asks.

Dean steps away and sneezes. The cat meows again, offended.

"Cas? Castiel! There’s a cat in our kitchen." He hears footsteps as Cas runs down the stairs. The cat jumps on the kitchen counter and Dean shoos it away.

"His name is Petronius the Arbiter," Cas says when he pokes his head into the doorway. The cat goes to rub its little body against his legs.

"What?" Dean barks.

"His name is Petronius the Arbiter, it’s on his collar."

"Oh, so he belongs to someone," Dean says with relief and finally sets the timer on the microwave.

"Of course he belongs to someone, he has a collar."

"Who would give a cat such a weird name?"

"I did."

Dean whips around. "You did what?"

"I gave him the name."

"You-" Dean gasps when he finally catches up on what’s going on. "Cas!"

"I always wanted a cat but I never had a home. Now I have a home so I got a cat," says Cas as if it was the most logical thing ever and Dean was a dumb child.

"I’m allergic," Dean reminds him.

"I know. You can take antihistamines."

Dean pouts "But, Cas-"

"Don’t worry, Dean. He’ll be living in the garden."

"He’s not in the garden now." The microwave beeps but Dean ignores it.

"It’s cold outside," Cas shrugs and scoops the cat into his arms.

"Oh, and by the way, you have to install this." He points at the table where a box with a cat door lies. Dean groans and Cas turns around to leave the kitchen.

"You love me!" Cas says over his shoulder.

"Yeah I guess I must love you, otherwise I’d have already killed you at least a thousand times."

"That’s not technically possible!" Cas shouts from the living room.

"I’m tempted to give it a try!"

 

Later that day when he finds Cas snoozing on the couch with Pete curled on his chest, he decides he’ll at least give the antihistamine a chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Petronius the Arbiter is a cat from Robert Heinlein´s The Door into Summer which is one of my favourite books and I think Cas would love it too because it´s about time travel and second chances


	10. Tenth Month

Cas grabs an empty beer bottle from the floor, slips between Balthazar and Benny and steps over Charlie who’s sitting on the floor, feeding Pete cheddar cheese.

"Don’t give him too much, Charlie."

"Don’t worry." She smiles at him and leans against Dorothy’s legs. She’s sitting on the couch, talking to Sam.

Dean grabs Cas' hips and pulls him closer, swaying into the rhythm of _When the Levee Breaks_. Castiel chuckles when Dean nuzzles at his neck.

"Where are Gabe and Sarah?" Cas asks.

"I think they might be in the nursery. He didn’t believe you’d actually painted little Hot Rod cars on the wall.".

Cas turns in his arms and kisses him. Jo makes a gagging sound when she passes by.

"Hey, wanna sneak out?" Dean whispers into his ear.

"It’s our party, Dean."

"Yeah I know, but you’re irresistible. They can entertain themselves long enough to give us a time for one quickie."

Cas laughs and pushes him away. " I'm going to get some more beers."

He heads to the end table to pick another empty bottle.

"These are delicious." Jo points at an empty plate of pigs in blankets while stuffing more into her mouth.

"Yeah. Dean made them. Don’t tell me you ate them all, Joanna Beth."

"You sound like my mother. Of course I didn’t! Sam had one or two."

Cas shakes his head and grabs the now empty plate.

"Cas?" Anna grips his shoulder and leans closer. "I need to talk to you in private," she hisses.

"Okay, take this," he hands her the plate and picks up an empty bowl. He heads to the kitchen and she follows.

"What’s the matter, Anna?" he asks when they are alone and starts to refill the plates.

"I wanted to ask if Charlie and Dorothy are together, like together?"

Cas rolls his eyes, sure that she doesn’t see it.

"Yes, why?"

"So it means they are..."

"They are lesbians. Is that a problem, Anna?"

"Nooo," she runs her fingers through the strands of her long hair.

"I just. I don’t know how to act around lesbians! What if they hit on me?"

Cas chokes and almost drops a bowl of chips.

"Are you serious?"

"Yes! I’m very serious. I don’t want to be rude, but I never met someone like them."

Cas sighs and rubs the bridge of his nose.

"Okay, Anna. Let’s say if Charlie was a man and she tried to flirt with you, what would you do?"

Anna chews her lip and keeps playing with her hair nervously.

"If I liked him, I would flirt too. If not, I would politely tell him to fuck off."

Cas throws his hands up. "So? What’s the difference?"

Anna frowns and shakes her head. "You’re right, Cas. I’m stupid. Let’s go back."

She grabs the plates and lets him lead the way into the living room.

Cas freezes in the moment he walks through the door.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" the crowd cheers. Gabe and Sarah are back, holding a huge cake with candles.

Jo and Sam throws confetti at him. Dean comes to him and wraps one arm around his shoulders and presses a kiss to his cheek. Cas punches his chest.

"You cheated!" he tries to look angry, but he can’t fight the wide grin spreading on his face.

"I told you not to do a birthday party."

"It’s not a birthday party, it’s housewarming party, that happens to have a cake."

"I hate you," Cas chuckles and buries his face in Dean’s neck.

Somebody snaps a photo.

"Blow out the candles!" Charlie calls.

"Make a wish!" Sarah reminds him when he bows to the cake.

He shuts his eyes and keeps the wish simple: _Please, let it always be this way_.

"You’re terrible! You all plotted this."

"You wouldn’t let us do it otherwise," says Sam as he hands Cas a knife.

"Anna, the whole thing in the kitchen was to keep me out of the way?"

"It was Dean’s task, but he failed so I had to step in," she admits.

"Yeah, real smooth, Winchester. Offering him sex in the middle of the party," Charlie teases.

Dean shrugs with a grin. "I just wanted to take the opportunity!"

Cas cuts the first slice of cake and takes a bite. He moans around it, getting whipped cream on his nose.

Dean laughs at him and Gabe takes a photo while Sarah and Dorothy distribute plates with slices of the cake.

Cas holds the cake in front of Dean’s mouth. "Eat."

"You’re not gonna feed me, Cas. That’s chick flick."

"Eat or I’m gonna smash it on your face."

"No, you’re n-" he doesn’t finish because he has a mouth full of cake and whipped cream all over his face.

"You better run!" Jo laughs.

Cas hides behind Sam, choking on laugher.

"You can’t hurt the birthday boy!" he says, while Dean wipes his face with a sleeve.

"I’m gonna tickle you untill you pee yourself, Castiel Shurley!" Dean yells and pounces on him. Cas squeals and runs away while the others laugh and cheer.

They end up in the bedroom where Dean tackles him onto the bed.

"Please don’t! Dean, stop!" Cas begs between fits of laughter when Dean tickles him mercilessly. When he stops and just gasps for breath, Dean wraps his arms around him in a tight hug.

Cas giggles and licks a bit of whipped cream that was still on Dean’s cheek.

"Aren’t you happy that I didn’t obey and told them about the birthday?"

" Yes I am. Thank you," Cas breathes out and kisses him.

"I told them not to bring any presents but I have one for you. Nothing big, I swear. But I think you might like to use it tonight. Do you want to unwrap it now?"

"I’d like that."

Dean starts to untangle himself, but Cas pulls him into another kiss. When he lets go, Dean gets out of the bed and takes a neatly wrapped box out of the closet. He hands it to Castiel, who stares at it.

"You need to unwrap it."

"I know, I uh... I’m already touched."

"Yeah, you can cry, I’m not telling anyone."

Cas chuckles and throws a pillow at him, then he pulls at the bow and unwraps the present. It’s an old polaroid camera.

Dean sits on the bed besides him. "I saw you looking at it at the thrift shop."

Cas is breathless. He fiddles with the strap of the camera.

"It’s wonderful, Dean. Thank you." He looks up at a smiling Dean and wraps his arms around his neck. Dean runs his fingers through his hair.

"Now you can make hipster photos and hang them in your hipster art studio."

Cas smiles and nods. "And I can take pictures of our drunk friends and family."

"Exactly!" Dean beams at him.

"Okay, but the first picture has to be of you."

"Let’s make it of us, shall we?"

"I love you."

"I know."


	11. Eleventh Month

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry this took me so long and I hate to tell you that the next chapter will take me even longer. I'm going to be very busy during the rest of July and the beginning of August and I still have to finish my DCBB fic. So please bear with me, I promise I'm getting back to this fic as soon as possible!
> 
>  
> 
> **This chapter is NSFW**

"Hey," Dean says when he arrives home.  
"Hello, Dean. How was your day?"  
"Same old. Just work," he grumbles and goes to the kitchen.  
"You know, Chuck’s books aren’t as bad as I expected. They’re actually quite good." Cas says from the couch, book in his hand.  
"I know, I read them."  
"You did? We agreed that we would never read any of them." He sounds half hurt, half offended.  
"Yeah. That was before you left." Dean shrugs. "When you ran away, I thought all our deals and agreements were sort of cancelled." There’s a hard edge in his tone that makes Cas’ heart lurch. He gets up and follows Dean into the kitchen.  
"Dean? Is everything alright?" he asks, stomach tied in knots.  
"Yeah, everything is fucking peachy," he growls as he opens the fridge.  
"Except there’s nothing to eat. For fuck’s sake, Cas, you promised to do the grocery shopping!"  
"My car won’t start. I told you about it. You said you would look at it."  
"Shit! I forgot!" he slams the fridge shut.  
Cas puts his hand on Dean’s shoulder.  
"Dean."  
"I’m sorry I just-" he cuts himself off and shakes his head.  
"You what? What’s wrong, Dean? Please tell me."  
"Nothing, Cas. Nothing is wrong."  
"Is it the divorce? I thought everything was going smoothly, that you and Lisa agreed on everything."  
"Yeah, we did. It is going smoothly." He rubs his temples and lets out a heavy breath.  
"I’m just tired. I’m sorry that I yelled at you."  
Cas steps closer and wraps his arms around Dean’s neck. The taller man shuts his eyes and rests his head on Cas’ shoulder.  
Cas takes his hand, intertwining their fingers.  
"Come with me," he says and heads to the stairs.  
"What are we doing, Cas?" Dean asks when he realizes Cas is leading him into the bedroom.  
"Take your clothes off and lie on the bed. On your stomach."  
Dean cocks an eyebrow. "You gonna fuck me?" His lips quirk up. He has to admit that it’s not such a terrible idea. "Fucking my brains out might help."  
"I’m not gonna fuck you," Cas answers sternly.

"Take your clothes off and lie on your stomach. Don’t make say it for the third time."  
"Okay, bossy." Dean rolls his eyes and starts to unbutton his shirt.  
Cas grabs something from a drawer in the bedside table and leaves.  
Dean takes his clothes off and folds them neatly on a chair. Then he stretches himself on the comforter, groaning as he feels the kinks in his back. He folds his arms under his head and thinks of what Cas is going to do to him. By the time he hears the door open, he’s slightly aroused by all the ideas he came up with.  
The mattress sinks when Cas climbs on the bed. Stradling Dean’s hips, Cas runs his palm down Dean’s back. Something liquid and warm trickles on Dean’s skin, running down his spine and pooling at the small of his back, It’s not hot, just barely warmer than Dean’s body and the oily texture makes the sensation strange but pleasant. The smell of rosemary and lavender tells Dean that it’s a warmed up massage oil.  
Cas spreads it over Dean’s back with his wide soft palms.  
"Everything is going to be okay, Dean," he says soothingly as he starts to rub Dean’s neck and shoulders.  
"I know it is," Dean starts, propping himself on his elbows.  
"Shut your mouth and listen to me," Cas orders firmly and presses Dean back into the matress.  
"I know you worry a lot, about the divorce, work and money. But you don’t have to deal with it on your own. We're in this together." Instead of a reply, Dean moans as Cas kneads his trapezii with his clever fingers.  
"We are partners, aren’t we?" Cas asks rubbing a painful spot.  
"Yes," Dean groans, "yes, we are."  
"I know you don’t want to bother me, but I don’t want you to bottle everything up and then combust. You need to talk to me."  
"Mhm," Dean murmurs in afirmation. It’s hard to oppose when Cas’ touches make him melt.  
"I’m sorry."  
"Don’t be, I’m not mad. Just don’t do it again." Cas presses a soft kiss behing Dean’s ear which makes Dean moan and shift on the bed.  
"Shh, relax. See how tense you are? It’s all the stress and pent-up emotions." Cas says, rubbing away all the kinks.  
"Just let go. Let me take care of you." He kisses Dean’s neck and Dean does exactly what he was told.  
He feels all his worries flow away, his mind clears up thanks to Cas’ expert touches. He’s not gentle, his hands are tough where they need to be. He systematically works all the stiffness out of Dean’s body. He goes from his neck and shoulders down along his spine, over his sides to the small of his back. He rubs Dean’s tail bone and buttocks, his thighs and calves and ends with the soles of his feet. Dean feels boneless and light, his mind is hazed but he’s not sleepy, he doesn’t want to miss even the smallest touch.  
Then Cas’ touches change. Instead of firm pads of his fingers or heels of his palms come long soft strokes of open palms. It’s sensual and intimate. Dean feels like every nerve in his body buzzes with pleasure, his skin is on fire. Castiel’s palms travel up Dean's calves and inner thighs. Dean sighs into the pillow. Cas peppers Dean’s back and neck with soft kisses and nibbles while caressing his whole body with his hands.  
When his oil-slick finger slides into the crevice of Dean’s ass, Dean expects his body to tense up, but he’s too pliant, absolutely relaxed. He just moans and shifts against the covers, rubbing his hardening cock. When Cas’ finger gently circles the soft skin of his hole, Dean knows he’s going to take his sweet time.  
And he’s right, Cas presses soft kisses on the small of his back and he rubs his hips while he loosens the circle of tight muscle of Dean’s entrance. He makes sure that Dean is relaxed enough to take his finger in with no resistance. Dean would normally buck his hips impatiently and try to fuck himself on the finger that moves inside him maddeningly slowly, but this time he just sighs into the pillow giving up all control.  
"You’re so good," Cas purrs and kisses the back of Dean’s neck. "So good, Dean. I want to make you happy. Let me make you happy." He says as he adds another finger and works Dean open. His voice is low and gravely. Dean nods and hugs a pillow to bury his head in it and muffle the loud moans that come out of his mouth. He wants to beg Cas to hurry up but at the same time he doesn’t want it to ever end.  
When Cas finally slicks himself with the oil and slides inside in one slow push, Dean thinks he might lose his mind. Cas fists his hand in Dean’s hair and pulls slightly, making Dean crane his neck so he can kiss him.  
"Cas," Dean sighs into the kiss. Cas rubs his stubbled cheek against Dean’s shoulder and starts to move. His moves are slow and fluid and just perfect. Dean feels like he’s on fire. Every time he tenses up, Cas stops and kisses his shoulder blades or rubs his back before he starts to thrust again.  
He takes Dean’s hands into his and intertwines their fingers, then he changes the angle so he hits Dean’s sweet spot. His heavy breath on Dean’s neck gives away that it’s hard for him to control himself and keep the slow rhythm. But it’s worth it, Dean can feel every inch of him and he loves that Cas’ body is pressed to his in every place possible. His own cock, hard and leaking precome, is pressed between his stomach and the matress and rubs against the covers with each of Cas’ thrusts.  
Dean is sure he’s going to die, the pleasure is painful, his whole existance is reduced to the feeling of Cas fucking slowly into him, of his cock grazing over Dean’s prostate. He holds on to the feeling, even though the tension in his whole body threatens to tear him to pieces, but then it slips through his fingers and he lets go. He cries out as the orgasm runs through him in waves. As if he was a string and Cas strummed him, made him resonate with a beautiful sound.  
When he comes back to his senses, he realizes he’s mumbling Castiel’s name while his lover runs his fingers through his hair and kisses his jaw.  
Cas pulls out, making Dean whimper at the emptiness. Cas straightens himself on his knees and gives his cock a few fast strokes before he releases himself all over Dean’s naked back and ass. Cas sighs contently at the sight and reaches for his polaroid that rests on the bedside table. He takes a snap of fucked out Dean covered with come before he colapses beside him.  
Dean’s eyelids are too heavy, he can’t open his eyes when Cas kisses him. He feels warm inside and totally in peace.  
"I’ll order a pizza and then we can go to do the grocery shopping together," Cas suggests. Dean is too tired to nod so he just smiles weakly.  
Cas watches him for a moment, smiling, petting his sweat-damp hair. He goes to the bathroom and comes back with a warm wet washcloth. He cleans Dean’s back and ass but lets him lie in the puddle of his own jizz, not having the heart to wake him up.

* * *

  
Castiel straightens the collar of Dean’s shirt and kisses his nose.  
"Just don’t have celebratory post-divorce sex with her, okay?"  
Dean chuckles but when he sees Cas’ serious expression, he frowns.  
"Come on, Cas. I had to be nice to Lisa so she agreed on the terms of shared custody, that’s all. I don’t want to fuck her."  
"I know. I just... I don’t know." Cas says with a sigh and bows his head, fidgeting with the lapels of Dean’s suit jacket.  
"You should be happy. When it’s over, I’m officially all yours."  
"No you’re not," Cas grumbles. "When it’s over, you’re officially divorced. You’re not gonna be officially mine," he explains bitterly.  
Dean frowns. "Are you telling me I should marry you?"  
"We can’t get married, Dean," Cas snaps.  
Dean takes a step back. "But that’s not my fault."  
"Cas shakes his head. "I know," he sighs, looking apologetic.  
"What’s wrong with you, Cas? I thought it would be a great relief when this is over and instead you’re turning it into what? A lament over gay rights?"  
Cas look up at him and then quickly turns his eyes back to the floor. "I’m sorry. I’m just nervous."  
Dean sighs and grabs Castiel’s shoulders, he pulls him into a hug and kisses his temple.  
"You don’t have a reason. This is good. It’s very good. I already belong to you with all my heart and all my life. Now I’m just gonna be free to do so."  
"I know. And it makes me happy, it really does." Cas runs his fingers over Dean’s tie.  
"Just please don’t have celebratory post-divorce sex with her."  
Dean smiles and kisses the corner of Cas’ lips. "I won’t, I promise."  
  
  
When he comes home, he finds Cas in the attic, hunched over a canvas on the floor. He's wearing old worn-out jeans and a white t-shirt. He has paint on his clothes, his hands, even in his hair.  
"It’s done! I’ve got three days a week and every second holiday." Dean beams at him and loosens his tie. Cas smiles back but it doesn’t reach his eyes.  
Dean splays himself on the old couch in the corner of the studio.  
"Come here baby, I need a drink and a celebratory post-divorce sex with my lover."  
Cas lets his painbrush drop on the floor and gets up. The painting he was working on is a mess of angry strokes that makes Dean’s stomach tie into knots. Cas comes to him and curl up in his lap.  
"Come on, Cas, what’s wrong?" He runs his fingers through Cas’ messy hair, crumbling away some dried blue paint.  
"I didn’t want to tell you before the divorce. You were nervous enough," Cas mumbles into the crook of Dean’s neck.  
"Okay but it’s over now so you can tell me. You were the one who said we should deal with things together, remember?"  
Cas nods, tickling Dean with his hair. He sits up so he can look Dean in the eyes.  
"The gallery is not doing well. Balthazar is gonna close it and move somewhere else. I’m gonna lose my job by the end of next month."  
Dean takes a deep breath and nods. "Okay, that's not good-"  
"I know, with the house and the child support for Ben, we need every penny and-"  
"Shh," Dean puts a finger on Cas’ lips.  
"It’s not good, but we can handle it. I’m sure you can find another job. You said you’d like to teach, right?"  
Cas nods and Dean kisses him softly.  
"We can deal with it. Don’t worry. I seriously think we already got over the worst. Now when we’re together, we can handle anything."  
Cas smiles and starts to unbutton Dean’s shirt.  
"Right."


	12. Happy Anniversary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I´m back with a new chapter and a special one! Happy anniversary! When I decided to write one chapter for each month, I didn´t expect the first year to pass so quickly! Thank you for following this story. I promise that from now on I´ll update regularly again. I can also promise you that the first year was just a warm up and the next year will be... let´s say more intense :)

The phone rings three times before Dean picks it up.  
"Hm?"  
"Hello, Dean."  
"Oh, hey Cas. What’s the matter?"  
"I thought that I might pick you up today and we could go to the new Italian place. What do you think?"  
"Do you think we’ll get there without reservation?"  
"Uhm... I actually already have a reservation."  
Dean sighs and there’s some shuffling on the other end of the line.  
"Cas, look, I’m really sorry, but there’s no way Missouri's gonna let me leave before eight today and I'll be pretty tired. I'd rather we just went home. We can go to the new restaurant some other day, okay?"  
Cas closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose.  
"Okay. See you later," he mutters not even trying to hide his disappointment.  
It sucks that Dean has to work late tonight, but what really upsets him is that it seems he forgotten it’s their anniversary.  
He should've expected that. Dean doesn't care about those things, he finds them girly. But when they agreed to count their anniversaries from the day they moved in together, he thought that... it was stupid. And it’s stupid to be sad about it. They don’t need a special day to show how much they love each other.  
On the way home he’s listening to Bob Dylan and it cheers him up a bit. He'll eat some leftovers, watch TV and when Dean comes home, he’ll talk him into a shared bath and if he’s lucky, his boyfriend won’t be too tired for sex. Yes, they don’t need to do anything special for their anniversary.

He opens the door, not realizing it wasn’t locked until he hears music.  
"Dean?" he calls, but no one answers. He frowns, shrugs off his coat and takes his shoes off.  
"Dean?" His heart starts to beat faster when he still doesn’t get a reply . There’s a light coming from the kitchen. He enters the room tentatively.  
Dean turns to him from the stove, bright smile on his lips. He’s wearing the dark green button down that Cas likes so much on him. There are candles and flowers on the table.  
"Hey, Cas."  
Castiel doesn’t answer, he stands in the doorway totally dumbstruck.  
"We’re having lasagna. It’s not gonna be as good as the Italian place you wanted to take me to, but I did my best."  
He frowns a little when he realizes Cas seems to have forgotten how to breathe.  
"You’re not having a heart attack or something, are you?" He steps closer.  
"You’re such a terrible person!"  
"Whoa, I made you a surprise and this is what I get?"  
"I hate you so much!" Cas growls and grabs the front of Dean’s shirt, pulling him into a hard kiss.  
"Happy anniversary," Dean whispers against his lips, grinning. Cas wraps his arms around his waist and kisses him once again, this time slow and deep.  
"You really thought I'd forget?" Dean asks with a smile, when they finally part.  
"Well yes. You consider such things sappy."  
"Hm, I consider Valentine’s day sappy, but I agree that we should celebrate that we survived a whole year together."  
Cas nods and tries to pull him into a hug again, but Dean pushes him away.  
"Sit down, we’re gonna eat. We even have wine. You can open it while I serve the food."  
Cas studies the label before he opens the bottle, wondering if Dean asked Sam to help him choose the right one or if he remembers which is Cas’ favourite.  
"Stop looking at me like that," Dean huffs out when they finally sit down.  
"Like what?"  
"Like I’m the most wonderful thing in the whole world."  
"You are."  
Dean drops his eyes to the table, blush spreading up his neck and cheeks. He chuckles and shakes his head.  
"We’re a couple of saps."

Dean’s eyes widen, when Cas moans around his first forkful. "Dean, this is delicious. May I kiss the cook?"  
"After the dessert," Dean answers with a proud smile, the tips of his ears still red.  
"I thought you were the dessert."  
Dean chuckles but shakes his head. "That will be a dessert after dessert. Or you can have the tiramisu for breakfast." He raises one eyebrow. Cas moans again and throws his head back.  
"How am I supposed to choose? Sex or tiramisu? That’s too hard!"  
Dean laughs softly and takes a sip of his wine. "You’re not choosing one or the other. Just which one you’ll have first."  
"Can’t I have both at the same time?"  
Dean huffs out a laugh, then he makes a disgusted face. "You know I hate to be sticky."  
Cas takes a breath to say something but then he just shakes his head. "I’d rather leave that without a comment."  
"That’s very wise of you. Now shut up and eat your dinner."  
"Hmm someone’s impatient," Cas murmurs before he starts to stuff his face.  
"You’re so annoying I don’t get how I managed to live with you for a whole year."  
"Yeah, you’re so brave. But you know what? It’s pretty hard for me too. I mean, waking up and seeing your dumb face every day. Awful!"  
"Oh tell me about it! At least you don’t wake up with someone wrapped around you like an octopus and drooling on your shoulder."  
"Hm. You only have to fight the octopus in the morning but me? I can’t even make a coffee without you sneaking into the kitchen and trying to touch my ass."  
Dean almost chokes on his lasagna, trying to stifle a laugh. "That’s because I hate your singing! You’re always singing when you’re doing something in the kitchen. And it’s terribly off key."  
"It’s not!"  
"Yes it is!" Dean dodges a piece of garlic bread Cas throws at him and bursts into laughter. When he finally stops, his eyes are wet with tears and he’s panting. He looks at Cas, whose face is also red from laughter, but his eyes are serious and focused on Dean’s face.  
"I love you," he says, voice so deep it makes Dean shiver.  
Cas drops his eyes to his plate, the corners of his lips curled up slightly. "Hurry up and eat your dinner."

"Do you remember the first time?" Cas whispers into Dean’s ear and proceeds with kissing his jaw.  
"How could I forget?" Dean answers with a sigh, hands skimming down Cas’ bare back.  
"God, I was so nervous, I didn’t know what I was doing."  
"So was I." Cas sucks at the pulse point on Dean’s neck which makes the other man whimper and throw his head back. He wraps his legs around Cas’ waist and tugs at his hair, tilting his head so he can kiss him.  
"You didn’t seem nervous."  
"Are you joking? I thought I was having a heart attack. My dream was coming true and I was afraid I'd screw it up. That you wouldn’t like it and I'd blow my only chance."  
Dean strokes Cas’ cheek, looking him deep in the eyes. "But you didn’t."  
"You trusted me," Cas breathes out.  
"I always did and I always will."  
They kiss again, slow and deep. Cas makes a surprised sound when Dean rolls them over.  
"I wanna ride you," he says against Cas’ lips and strokes his already hard cock. Cas moans and grabs Dean’s hips, fingers digging into skin. He watches his lover lower himself on his cock with wide eyes, he doesn’t realize he's holding his breath, until it comes out in a guttural sound when Dean fully seats himself.  
"Talk to me," Dean orders in husky voice, freckled cheeks flushed. "Talk to me like the first time."  
He slowly rolls his hips, effectively cutting off every coherent thought in Cas’ head.  
"I love you," he finally breathes out. Dean chuckles, fucking himself on Cas’ cock.  
Cas wraps his arms around Dean’s waist, then lets one hand travel up his spine and into his hair, pulling him down for a kiss.  
"You’re so beautiful," he whispers against Dean’s lips. His heels dig into the matress when Dean starts to move his hips faster, but in a steady rythm. His eyes are focused on his lover’s face.  
Dean truly is the most beatiful thing Cas has ever seen. Especially like this. Eyes hazy with lust and half lidded, plump lips parted and shiny. His breathing is jagged and his muscles dance under his skin with every smooth move he makes. Cas watches him in awe, his own body feels like every nerve is on fire, he’s drowning in pleasure.  
"Just like that... yes, baby... so good." He knows he’s blabbering, but he’s sure Dean isn’t really paying attention to his words, he just likes to hear his voice.  
"I’m so..." he tries to say but his words turn into a groan. "So lucky to have you."  
Dean lifts his eyes up to meet Cas’ and Cas’ heart almost stops. He runs the pad of his thumb over Dean’s lower lip and when Dean shuts his eyes and sucks the digit in, Cas makes a strangled noise and it takes every bit of his remaining self control not to topple over the edge.  
He grabs Dean’s hips so harshly he must leave bruises and thrusts up into him. Dean gasps in surprise and braces himself against Cas’ chest. He trembles and makes the most beautiful broken sounds as Cas fucks him vigorously.  
He throws his head back when he comes, painting Cas’ chest. Castiel sits up and pulls Dean close into a tight hug, sucking at Dean’s bared throat. He muffles a cry against Dean’s shoulder when he comes a few thrusts later.

"It was a good idea to take an actual bath instead of just a shower," Dean purrs kissing the back of Cas' head. Castiel sighs and leans against Dean’s chest.  
"It was even better idea to take the dessert into the bath," he says as he feeds Dean with tiramisu.  
"We’re a perfect couple," he adds and Dean chuckles.  
"Yeah, they should make a movie about us. Or a TV show."  
Cas snorts and puts the empty plate on the floor, careful not to knock over the candles placed on the rim of the bathtub.  
"The candles are so cheesy! I can’t believe I let you put them here," Dean complains, playing with one of the flames.  
Cas turns in his arms so he can face him.  
"You were so blissed out that you would've agreed to anything." He kisses Dean’s neck, that vibrates under his lips as Dean hums his affirmation.  
"Cas?" Dean’s voice drops a bit so Cas knows he’s about to say something serious. He looks at him and runs his fingers through Dean’s wet hair.  
"What’s up, baby?"  
Dean shuts his eyes and leans into the touch. "You’re gonna stay at least another year, right?"  
Cas feels something flutter under his breast bone but not in a good way. Even now Dean’s scared of Cas leaving him. The scar he left on his heart the first time he ran away is too big.  
He presses a soft kiss to Dean’s lips.  
"I’ll stay as long as you will have me," he whispers. Dean’s arms tighten around Cas’ waist.  
"Promise?" He sighs, eyes still closed.  
"I promise. I would say I will stay forever, but you used to be scared of that word."  
"Not anymore."


	13. SECOND YEAR, FIRST MONTH part one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, I´m sorry if I make you sad with this part. You can yell at me in comments or on my [tumblr](http://cas-lost-grace.tumblr.com/)  
> I did my research for this chapter, but if you think I got something wrong, please tell me.  
> I´m going on vacation and I´m not sure if I´ll be able to update next week. I know I promised you no more hiatuses. I will definitely update as soon as possible!  
> Enjoy! I´m looking forward to your feedback

Save water, shower with boyfriend is Dean’s favourite motto. Sometimes the promise of shower blowjob is the only thing that gets Cas out of the bed on weekend morning. But more often they don't even do anything sexual. They just take care of each other, rubbing each other’s backs and washing each other’s hair. He wouldn’t admit it but he likes it even more than shower sex.  
Right now he's leaning against the tiled wall, eyes closed, focused on the feeling of Cas’ hands running all over his body and rubbing body wash into his skin. He hums when Cas reaches between his legs and for a moment he thinks this session might actually end with sex. He definitely wouldn’t complain.  
But then Cas’ hand disappears. Dean opens his eyes to see his boyfriend’s face.  
"Dean, did you notice one of your balls is swollen?"  
Dean sighs and shuts his eyes again. This is Cas, never sugarcoating anything.  
"Yeah, it’s been like this for a few days. I think it’s just... irritated or something."  
"You should see a doctor," Cas suggests, his voice more concerned than Dean would like.  
"Do you think it might be something serious?"  
"I don’t know," Cas shrugs, mindlessly playing with Dean’s nipple. "Better safe than sorry."  
He smiles and leans to Dean, he licks his earlobe before he whispers: "You know I really like your balls. I want them to be alright."

Dean really likes Dr. Devereaux. But right now he stares at the ceiling and wishes he was somewhere else. Anywhere. Even math classes with Miss Martin weren’t as bad as standing here with his pants around his ankles. He flinches when the doctor’s rubber gloved hand touches his balls.  
He can’t even think about Cas to take his mind off of what’s happening, a boner is the last thing he needs right now. He thinks about cars, yes, cars are safe, cars are good.  
"Hmm. I think it’s just an infection." The doctor says and straightens up.  
"Does it feel painful?" he asks and Dean shakes his head vehemently.   
"Not at all," he answers truthfully. To his surprise that brings a concerned look to the doctor’s face.  
"You can get dressed." He says as he returns behind his desk.  
"I'll prescribe you some antibiotics, but if the swelling doesn't recede after ten days, you'll need to come back."  
"Okay," Dean nods. He didn’t expect to feel such relief.

"So? What did the doctor say?" Cas bursts out the moment he picks up the phone.  
"It’s just an infection. I got some antibiotics and in ten days I'll be fine."  
"Fuck yes," Cas breaths out. "I was actually pretty scared. I’m glad you’re ok."  
"Yeah, me too."  
"I’m gonna buy you pie on the way home."  
Dean chuckles. "What for? That I don’t have cancer?"  
"No, because you’re ill. You have an infection so you deserve comfort food."  
"Okay, I won’t argue that. See ya later."  
"Yes. Love you, Dean."

Eight days. For eight days he swallows pills according to the schedule. For eight days he check in the mirror whether the swelling recedes or not. It doesn’t and even though it’s only eight days, he freaks out. It should at least be a bit better, right? But if anything, it seems worse. It still doesn’t hurt which must mean it’s nothing too bad. Or not?  
He goes to see the Doctor anyway, apologizing for not waiting two more days.   
When Dr. Devereaux examines him, he says it’s good that he came.  
"You need an ultrasound," he says scribbling something down. "Go straight away," he adds. It makes Dean’s heart beat faster. He doesn’t even ask anything, just goes straight to the hospital, Doctor's note in hand.  
He never thought he would get sick of showing his junk to strangers so fast. The radiologist is at least nice and tries to make the procedure as pleasant as she can. Her name is Tessa and she’s kinda hot.  
"It’s most probably seminoma cancer." Her voice is so calm and soothing that at first Dean thinks she's telling him everything is okay. But he heard the C word, right? Maybe it was some mistake.  
"Excuse me?" he blinks at her as if he couldn’t focus on her. Somehow everything seems to get blurry.  
"Seminoma cancer," she repeats patiently.   
"Judging by the size of swelling it's been developing for about three months," she adds, but Dean isn’t really listening. Everything is just white noise in his head.  
She touches his hand gently. "Dean?"  
He shakes his head, trying to focus. "What... what does it mean... what does it mean for me?" He hates how shaky his voice sounds.  
"It means that you have to have the testicle removed as soon as possible."  
"Remove my-" He’s not even able to repeat it.  
Tessa nods in affirmation. "You'll need the operation within the next two weeks, the sooner the better."  
He’s so numb with shock, he doesn’t even ask anything more. She wishes him luck and he manages to shoot her a fake smile.  
He gets into the car and drives. He always drives when he doesn’t know what to do, when he needs to clear his mind. Right now he’s not sure whether he wants to get rid of the numbness or if he wants it to last longer. It doesn’t matter, nothing matters till he has a road under the wheels.  
He drives so long that it's almost dark. He pulls over then and lets all the thoughts fill his head.  
He has cancer. Cancer. You always hear about it, sometimes you meet someone who lost his beloved, or who suffered themselves and you know you might be next, but it’s somehow unreal. It’s just a distant threat, intangible.  
Even now, when Dean's heard the verdict, it still feels unreal. He has cancer. When his life finally seems to be sorted out, when he feels truly happy, he has cancer.  
He throws his head back and starts to laugh. It’s a loud and harsh sound which scratches his throat. He laughs until there are tears in his eyes and his sides hurt. Then the laughter turns into dry sobs. He leans his head against the steering wheel, then he’s silent. The only sounds are his ragged breath and passing cars.

He turns the car but doesn’t really think about where he’s going. He’s not really surprised when he finds himself in front of his old house, Lisa’s house. He hesitates for a moment, just staring at the windows.  
He takes a deep breath before he knocks.  
"Dean? What are you doing here?" Lisa looks behind him as if there might be something or somebody that would explain the presence of her ex husband.  
"Can I see him?" Dean breathes out and she flinches at how raspy his voice sounds.  
"You’re supposed to see him on Friday."  
"I know but-" he swallows around the lump in his throat. "Lisa, please. I need to see Ben now."  
She stares at him, lips parted, he can see the emotions changing behind her dark eyes. She wants to ask, but she doesn’t.  
"I just put him in the bed," she says as an obligation but he can hear it in her voice that she has already given in.  
"I won’t wake him. I swear. I just need to see him."  
Another momemnt when she tries to see through him passes, then she sighs.  
"Okay, he’s probably not asleep yet anyway."  
"Thank you." He kisses her cheek when she lets him in.

The baby isn’t sleeping. He’s sitting in his crib, hitting the bars with his teddy bear.  
"Hello, you little scam. How come you aren’t asleep yet?"  
Ben gurgles and reaches his little arms towards Dean who picks him up.  
"Oh, you’re such a big boy. Growing up so fast," Dean coos, cradling the toddler in his arms. He feels his throat tighten. Ben grabs the lapel of Dean’s jacket and shoves his other fist into his mouth. Big eyes fixed on Dean.  
"You’re the best thing I’ve ever did." Dean says, voice soft. The child blinks at him, it takes him a lot of effort to keep his eyes open, but he keeps staring at his father as if he could actually understand every word.  
"Nothing is more important to me than you," he continues, rocking Ben gently until his eyes finally slide shut.  
Dean presses a soft kiss to his son’s forehead and carefuly puts him back into the bed, covering him with blanket.  
There are tears running down his cheeks. He doesn’t wipe them away. He watches his sleeping child. The pain in his chest makes it hard to breathe. Dean closes his eyes and realizes that he’s scared. He’s scared that he won’t see his son grow up. He’s scared his son will have to grow up without a father.  
He’s more scared than ever. And he's never wanted to live so much.  
He doesn’t clasp his hands or kneel, he just bows his head, still looking at Ben’s peaceful face.  
"Listen, I know I never really talked to you. But I also never asked you for anything so... But now I need your help. I need you to let me be okay. I know I don’t deserve it, I know there are better people who deserve to be saved. But I’m not asking this for me. I’m asking it for him. I can’t-" He has to take a break, it’s too hard to talk through tears. He wipes them with his sleeve and sniffs.  
"I can’t leave my son. He needs me, he'll need me in the future. I don’t want to let him live without one parent. I know the pain and please, please, I’m begging you, save him from that."  
He doesn’t say anything else. He’s just staring at Ben, thoughts twirling in his head, but not making any sense.  
Eventually he grabs the teddy bear and kisses it, then he puts it back to Ben’s side.  
"Sweet dreams, baby boy."

"Is he sleeping?" Lisa asks when Dean comes downstairs.  
"He is now."  
She just nods, her eyes following him when he puts his shoes on.  
"Thank you for letting me in."  
"Dean, wait," she steps closer and grabs his elbow before he opens the door. She looks up at him with serious eyes.  
"Whatever is bothering you, I get that you don’t want to talk about it with me, but you should talk about it with someone. You can’t deal with everything on your own."  
He bows his head and breathes out through his nose. "Good night, Lisa," he whispers and kisses her cheek before he leaves.

The surgeon is tall, and handsome and very professional. His name is Victor Henriksen. He looks at Dean like he’s just something that needs to be fixed and he’s determined to do it. Dean finds the feeling strangely comforting.  
Doctor Henriksen tells him that he's going to make a small incision above the pubic area, and remove the testicle from the scrotum.  
"I will tie the blood and lymph vessels in the spermatic cord and take other precautions to avoid spreading cancer cells." He adds, pointing at the anatomical diagram he’s holding up for Dean.  
Dean feels all the blood leave his face and he gulps. He’s not sure he wants to know all the details. He wants to get rid of it and forget it ever happend.  
"The recovery time is usually two to three weeks."  
"And then? You just remove it and that’s it? Or is other treatment needed?" Dean tries to keep his voice as steady as possible.  
"After the surgery, we’ll take a biopsy and some scans to find out whether the cancer has spread or not. If it has, we’ll procede with other treatment."  
Dean nods and rubs his forehead. "And what about the... the missing testicle. Can I live with just one? I mean... will there be some side effects?"  
"As long as the remaining testicle functions, it should cope with the production of testosterone. Your voice or sexual activity shouldn’t be affected."  
"Except the fact I will have just one ball."  
"There’s an option of the testis prosthetic. It looks like this." Doctor Henriksen reaches into his drawer and then places a prosthetic on the table in front of Dean. It looks like a rubber egg.  
"It’s made of silicone and filled with salt water. They come in different sizes so we can choose the right one to match the other testicle. You can touch it if you want."  
Dean takes the thing into his palm. It’s softer than he expected.  
"The results are usually very good, but I suggest you take some time to consider whether you really want the implant or not. There is a small risk that the body may try to reject or extrude the device or that the device could leak or rupture, all of which will require that the implant be removed. If you’re in a commited relationship, you might want to discuss it with your partner. You would be surprised but from the experience of my patients it seems that women usually don’t mind such things."  
That remark makes Dean’s blood freeze in his veins. Cas is not a woman. And Dean can’t be... imperfect for him. He squeezes the implant in his hand.  
"I want it. I want the implant."  
"Are you sure Mr Winchester? I really think you should think about it. We can place the prosthetic during the orchiectomy or later, after the recovery, in separate surgical procedure performed on a come and go basis. That means you don’t have to decide now. You can even try how you feel without the implant. I also suggest you talk about it with someone who’s undergone the treatment. I can give you contacts to the local support group."  
Dean grits his teeth and puts the plastic testicle back on the desk.  
"I’m sure." He feels cold and empty, but determined. "I want the prosthetic. Do it. When you take out the damaged one, put in the fake one."  
"Dean-"  
"I’m sure, Doctor. This is what I want."  
He doesn’t want to try to live with one ball. He doesn’t want anything that would remind him of this. He wants to pretend everything is alright.  
Henriksen sighs and nods. He makes a note, then looks at his calender.  
They set up a date for the coming week. It’s going to be the longest week in Dean’s life.  
"I still think you should take this." The doctor hands him a leaflet about the support group. Dean shoves it into the back pocket of his jeans.  
"Thank you, Doc."  
The doctor nods and pats Dean’s shoulder. "See you soon, Dean. Try to stay calm."  
Dean smiles weakly, but he doesn’t say that it’s better said than done.


	14. SECOND YEAR, FIRST MONTH: Part Two

Fortunately Cas is in the middle of job hunting. When he’s not out on an interview or browsing the internet, he’s in the attic painting. Dean’s quite sure he’s too busy to notice something is off with Dean. Besides he’s really good at pretending.

It’s during a quiet evening, when he realizes how wrong he’s been. The dinner is in the oven and they're both reading, Cas on the couch and Dean in a recliner. Then all of a sudden Cas slams his book shut and throws it against a wall.

"What’s wrong?" Dean looks up at him, alarmed.

Cas is already on his feet, ready to fight. "What’s wrong? You tell me!"

Dean blinks at him slowly and sets his book on the end table. "I don’t know what you're talking about." He manages to keep his voice steady even though his heart is beating fast.

"You’re avoiding me! When I try to talk to you, you leave the room. When I touch you, you flinch away. So tell me what’s wrong, Dean? What have I done? Have you gotten tired of me already?"

Dean gulps, staring at Cas. He didn't even realize that he'd been acting like this, he truly believed everything seemed alright. He didn't have a clue how he'd made Cas feel. Guilt twists at his guts when he gets up and steps closer to Cas. He reaches for his shoulder, but the other man bats his hand away.

"Cas, you haven't done anything wrong."

"Then what's happening? Is something bothering you? Are you hiding something again?"

Dean clenches his jaw. He doesn't want Cas to feel bad, but he can't tell him the truth. It would only make things worse.

"I'm fine, Cas."

Castiel narrows his eyes. "You're a fucking liar." he hisses.

Dean wants to keep Cas out of this. But the only way is to push him away even more. It hurts, but Dean doesn't have another choice.

"You're overreacting."

"And you're an emotionally constipated asshole! But I know you, Dean. Even when you shut yourself away I can see that something is hurting you. Just tell me what it is."

Dean rolls his eyes. "You're like a clingy girlfriend. Just give me a break. You don't have to know everything."

It feels as if a spark of electricity flies through the space between them, then everything goes dark. Cas' hands close in fists and there are tears of anger in his eyes.

"You promised," he almost whispers. "You promised, that we would deal with everything together."

It's much worse than when he was yelling. His voice, calm but full of hurt and disappointment, makes Dean's chest constrict and it feels like his heart's is going to be crushed.

Then Cas yells again and it's all it takes for Dean to snap.

"You promised!"

"I have cancer!"

There's silence. It's so heavy Dean feels it filling his lungs and making it hard to breathe. Cas is staring at him, eyes wide in shock. Dean wants to wipe the expression from his face. He wants to take it back, to say it was just a joke. But he can't. There's no way back.

"The antibiotics didn't work, because it wasn't an infection. It's cancer. I have cancer."

Cas moves so fast he takes Dean by surprise. He grabs the front of his shirt and pushes him against a wall, pushing the air out of his lungs.

"How? How the fuck could you not tell me that?" Cas' voice is breaking with anger.

Dean tries to push him away and to his surprise Cas takes a step back.

"I didn't want you to freak out."

"Freak out? I'm your partner, you fucker! It's my job to freak out! It's my job to be scared and to hold your hand and tell you it's gonna be okay! It's my job and my right and you tried to rip it away from me. What... what were you even thinking? What were you going to do? Hide it from me for how long? And what if-"

"I didn't!" Dean cuts him off. "I didn't think okay?" He turns away, hating how his voice trembles, not able to look Cas in the face. "I was scared. I was so fucking scared! It felt like if I told you... it would make it more real. And I wanted to pretend that it's not happening." He bites his lower lip, trying to control the tears pooling in his eyes, but they roll down his cheeks when he blinks. Then there are arms wrapped around him and warm kisses pressed to his neck and cheeks. He turns to bury his face in the crook of Cas' shoulder. A loud sob rips it's way out of his throat. "It's okay. It's gonna be okay." Cas runs his fingers through Dean's hair, rubbing his scalp soothingly, whispering into his ear.

"I got you. You're gonna be okay. I love you."

Cas leads him to the couch and lets him curl up against his chest and cry. When Dean tries to choke out an apology, Cas kisses it away.

Cas hold him until Dean runs out of tears and his breathing evens. They are holding hands when Dean tells him everything the doctors said.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you." Dean says eventually. Cas just nods.

"I'd punch you if you weren't ill." Dean can't fight back a smile that curls the corners of his lips up. He already feels better now that he's told Cas everything. It was so stupid to keep it a secret.

"But I'm calling your brother and I'm sure he's gonna rip you a new one."

Dean throws his head back and groans.

 

Sam goes ballistic. There's yelling and crying and hugging and yelling again. It would make Dean scream and run away if not for Cas holding his hand the whole time. When Sam calms down, they drink.

The next day, Cas researches everything about Seminoma cancer, something Dean couldn't bring himself to do.

They run across information about the prosthetic. It makes Dean feel awkward, but he asks Cas what he thinks about it.

"I don't care," he says resolutely. "I mean it. Do whatever makes you comfortable. It doesn't matter to me. I love you and that's not going to change."

Dean shifts on the couch and rubs the back of his neck. "Are you sure?"

"I am. Your body is beautiful, but it's not what I fell in love with."

Dean huffs out a laugh. "You couldn't sound cheesier even if you tried."

"Hey! I mean it!" He whacks Dean's shoulder playfully, then nuzzles at his neck.

"I already told the doctor, that I want the implant," Dean says hesitantly. "I want to... I think I want to look normal."

"Okay," Cas breathes out against Dean’s skin. "Whatever makes you feel better. I'll support you."

 

That night, when Cas is asleep, Dean's standing naked in front of a mirror. There are dark circles under his eyes since he's been losing sleep recently. His tummy is a bit pudgy but not as much as it used to be before he started going running with Cas from time to time. Then his eyes drop below his waist. It's just a swelling. It looks so innocent for something so terrifying. Dean has always been comfortable in his body and now his body is turning against him. He hates it, he hates the feeling, it makes his stomach tie itself into knots.

Seminoma is one of the most curable cancers. That's what Cas found on the internet. He's going to be alright. He has to repeat it to himself over and over again.

He's telling himself that on the day of the surgery. But it doesn't help much. He's nervous. He knows he shouldn't be. The surgery will go fine . Doctor Henriksen has done hundreds of these surgeries. He'll wake up and he'll be alright again.

His hands are shaking when he's signing the papers in the hospital. He feels like screaming when he lays down on the hospital bed. But Cas is there, holding his hand and kissing his forehead and babbling about Pete and what the stupid cat ruined this time. He's there until they send him away and come for Dean.

Panic strikes and Dean's chest constricts.

The nurse tries to calm him down, but he has to talk to the doctor.

"Doctor Henriksen? Victor!" The doctor looks at him, a mask over his face.

"What's wrong Mr Winchester?"

"My... my partner. Cas Shurley. He's... he's not a family officially, but I want... I need him to be there when I wake up. Can you arrange that? Please."

Henriksen's eyes twinkle with sympathy and he nods. "I'll try to do something about that."

Dean breaths out, finally able to relax. He lets them pull a mask over his face and he counts down from ten and then there's nothing.

 

The world is dark, blurry and painful when he wakes up. He tries to blink the blurriness and confusion away. There's someone beside him.

"Dean?"

Cas. Cas is here and he's holding Dean's hand.

"Hi," Dean breaths out. He tries to smile, but he doesn't think his muscles are working right.

"Everything's is okay, Dean. You can rest," Cas says, voice low and soothing and Dean would happily obey if not for the pain. He makes a small pained sound and for a moment Cas looks alarmed, but then there's another person in the room. Dean sees them out of the corner of his eye, he can't look away from Cas in case he’d disappears.

"The pain will pass soon," somebody who's not Cas says. Dean can already feel the pain being washed away but in its place comes blurriness and Dean hates it.

"You're so beautiful," he says a bit slurred. Cas' face lights up with a smile.

"You're high as kite," he chuckles.

"Yes," Dean sighs, looking at the IV in his arm. "I am."

Cas runs a gentle hand through his hair. Dean hates it but he has to let his eyes slide shut, his lids feel too heavy.

"You'll be here?" he asks. Soft lips press against his knuckles.

"I will." He hears before he dozes off.

 

When Dean wakes up, Castiel isn't there. But he sees another familiar face.

"What are you doing here?" he blurts out.

Meg Masters gives him a crooked smile. "Playing a nurse on the TV."

Dean looks her over to find out that she's really dressed in the hospital stuff and she looks like she knows what she's doing when she changes his IV.

He looks around the room, feeling a bit lost and terribly awkward. This is the worst way to meet his boyfriend's ex.

"I sent your angel home. He looked like he could use some sleep. I'm sure he'll be back soon. A bit clingy, isn't he? I had to promise him I'd take care of you."

Dean blinks at her, not able to come up with a reply. He blames it on the drugs they’re giving him.

"Which I will, of course, because I’m payed for it. Not because you're banging my unicorn now."

Dean mentally cringes and tears his eyes away from her. "I...uh-"

"Don't strain yourself, Dean. I'm actually happy you two are finally together. He's always loved you. You were the only one who didn't notice."

Dean finally lets out a breath and pinches the bridge of his nose.

"I'm happy we have your blessing. Now if you've already done all the nurse things you're supposed to do, can you leave me alone?"

"Oh, of course, you need to rest," she says with a smile that always made Dean feel like he was drowning in something sweet and gooey. Dean doesn't have time to feel relieved, because she leans closer to him, still smiling, making him feel like a fly in a spider web.

"I hope you two will be happy together. But if you hurt him, I'll cut your remaining ball off and feed it to you. Capisce?"

Dean nods. If there's one person in the whole world who he believes would be capable of doing what she just threatened, it’s Meg Masters.

"Get well soon," she chirps, patting his head. Then she leaves with a swing of her hips.

It leaves Dean shell-shocked. For a minute he thinks he actually died during the surgery and went to hell.

But then he sees an ugly trench coat, a tuft of black hair and the bluest eyes ever and he knows it can't be that bad, not if there's an angel in front of him.

"You came to raise me from perdition?" He asks and Cas' smile falters, he squints at him.

"I thought they'd have lowered your dosage of morphine already."

Dean laughs out loud. Which is a bad idea because it pulls at his stitches, but it's good anyway. He feels like he hasn't laughed in so long.

"I met Meg."

"Oh. Yes. It was a surprise that she works here."

"Not such a surprise when you really think about it. She always loved to watch people suffer."

He chuckles despite Cas' look that's telling him it was a really bad joke. This time he actually hisses in pain. Cas is by his side in an instant.

"Are you okay? Should I call someone?"

"No, no, no, please don't. I don’t want Nurse Masters to lay her hands on me. I just shouldn't laugh."

"You know she's doing a good job here. Helping people. She took care of you."

Dean doesn't even want to imagine what she did to him when he was unconscious.

"But she threatened me!" He purses his lips.

It's Castiel's turn to laugh. "Really? She pulled the 'don't hurt him or i'll kill you speech?'."

"No! She said she'd rip my ball off!" Dean says, exaggerating his offended expression just a little bit.

Cas laughs so hard he has tears in his eyes when he finally catches a breath.

"Yeah," he breathes out, "She's a good girl." He looks a bit too distracted, when he says it, which makes Dean feel a pang of jealousy.

"Pete misses you," Cas breaks the silence. Dean grimaces in response.

"No, the cat hates me."

"He doesn't hate you! He misses you. He slept on your side."

"My side?" Dean groans. "Come on! It’s been one night and the bastard has already triedto steal my place!"

Castiel chuckles and the soft look he gives Dean makes his heart flutter.

"Come here, baby," he says softly and shifts in the bed to make place for Cas, ignoring the pain it causes.

Castiel tentatively climbs onto the bed and lays his head on Dean's chest. Dean buries his nose in Cas' hair and breathes in the smell of his shampoo.

"I called Lisa and told her you were in hospital so you couldn't take Ben. She didn't ask for details, just said that you can take him whenever you feel fit."

"Good," Dean murmurs, stroking the back of Cas' neck. The warmth of the other man's body against his soothing him.

"I also spoke to Sam. Promised him that you'd call him when you have some news from the Doctor. I told him not to visit you here, but wait until you're home."

"You're an angel, Cas."

Castiel chuckles, the sound vibrating against Dean's chest. He cuddles closer and lets out a heavy sigh.

"They'll release you soon, right?"

"Yeah, I'm sure they will."

As if on cue, the door opens and Doctor Henriksen comes in.

Cas slips hurriedly out of Dean's bed, almost falling on his ass and clumsily sits on the nearby chair. Henriksen pretends not to notice.

"Hello, Dean. How do you feel?"

"Good, a bit hungry."

The Doctor gives him a tight lipped smile. "I'm sure they'll give you something to eat soon."

Dean makes a face. "Hospital food," he moans. "I'd rather go home and eat something real."

"Then I have to disappoint you. You'll need to wait a couple of days, but no longer. I promise. Do you feel any pain?"

"Just when I move too quickly." Dean admits. The Doctor nods.

"Be careful, we don't want you to pull out your stitches, right?"

Dean feels a cold claw of fear squeezing his heart, when Henriksen's face turns serious while he's looking in the folder in his hands.

"I have the result of the biopsy." He says. Castiel jumps to his feet and steps closer, eyes wide with anticipation.

"And?" he prompts the doctor.

"It seems the cancer didn't spread."

"Oh thank God!" Cas breathes out and turns away, palm pressed to his mouth.

Dean lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding and it comes out as soft laughter.

"Of course you'll have to come in for regular scans. But for now, it seems we have the best case scenario here."

"Thank you Doc, thank you." Dean clasps the Doctor's hand and gives him a bright, thankful smile.

"Hey, Cas. Where are you?" he turns around to see Cas' back, his shoulders are shaking. Dean realizes that his lover is crying.

"Cas, baby, come on. It's not the time for tears right now." He reaches out his hand, Cas takes it, eyes full of tears and comes closer.

"I'm sorry, I'm just-" he hiccups through tears, "so relieved."

And then it hits Dean, this is the first time he's seen Cas cry since he told him his big secret. He's been a pillar of strength for him the whole time, but now that it's over, he can finally let his emotions show. Dean sits up, even though it's harder than he expected, and pulls Cas into a hug. He kisses the top of his head.

"It's okay, Cas. Everything is okay."

"I'll leave you alone," the doctor says, "someone will come by later to check on your stitches."

 

Two days later Dean is sitting on the edge of his hospital bed, all his things are packed, waiting for Cas to pick him up. There's a knock on the door, not a casual knock-knock, but an elaborate knock as if they'retrying to knock a certain rhythm. He and Sam used something like that when they were little to let each other know it was them and not a stranger or their dad.

Dean raises his head and eyes the door curiously. A lanky guy comes in. His bright smile, too big ears andshort beard make him look like a boy who's just playing at being an adult.

"How ya doin'? Going home, huh?"

Dean frowns at him, but the guy doesn't even stop to take a breath before continuing.

"I'm Garth. Garth Fitzgerald IV," he holds out his hand until Dean shakes it.

"Dean," he growls. Something in him stops him from kicking the guy out of the room, but he can't say what it is.

"I'm from the testicular cancer support group. I believe Vic told you about us."

"Who?"

"Vic. Victor? Doctor Henriksen."

"Oh. Yeah, he did. Look...Garth, I'd rather deal with my problems on my own. With the help of my family. I don't need a bunch of strangers to make me feel better about my lost ball."

To his surprise Garth's smile gets even wider and he pats Dean's shoulder.

"That's great man! But you know what? If you're imagining us in a circle of 'I'm Garth and I have cancer' you're wrong."

Dean raises an eyebrow.

"Really. We just talk about normal stuff. You know I love my lady and she's amazing, but sometimes I just want to get out and talk to other guys. Besides we have cookies. But we also drink beer, and when there's enough balls in the room, we play pool." He says it so deadpan that it takes Dean a moment to get the joke, then he chokes. Garth doesnt seem to notice.

"Anyway. If you change your mind. Or just want to talk in private, here's my number." Dean accepts the card and feels kind of relieved when Garth seems to be leaving, but then the strange man stops and turns to him again.

"And if you're to shy, you can always talk to-" from the depth of his coat he pulls out an incredibly ugly sock puppet, "Mr Fizzles!"

"Hello, Dean," the puppet says.

"What the hell, man?" Dean blurts out. He doesn't know if he wants to laugh or be angry.

Garth just shrugs with one shoulder. "I volunteer on children oncology," he explains, but doesn't hide the puppet.

"Goodbye, Dean. And make a good use of the one that you have left," Mr Fizzles says and then leaves together with his master.

Dean lets out a harsh breath and pinches the bridge of his nose. For a moment he thinks it was just a weird dream, but the card in his hand proves him wrong. He puts it into his pocket just as Cas enters the room.

"Ready?"

"More than ever."

 

"Finally," Dean sighs when they arrive home.

Cas rolls his eyes and drops Dean's bag (which he insisted on carrying) on the floor.

"You've only been away a few days."

"I've been in a hospital for a few days. That's different. Oh hi!" It's weird, but Dean's actually really glad to see the cat. Pete comes to greet him by rubbing his little body against Dean's leg.

"Do you want to go to bed or stay on the couch?" Cas asks and Dean turns to him with a frown.

"You’re gonna make me spend all day laying down, aren't you?"

"Even if I have to chain you to the bed," Cas deadpans.

Dean throws his head back with an exaggerated sigh. "Well, then I'm gonna marathon Dr Sexy."

Cas makes a disgusted face, but he puts the DVD in for him. Dean flops on the couch and reaches for the remote control. Cas steps closer and leans down to kiss Dean's nose.

"I'm gonna make some food."

Dean looks up at him trying to make the puppy dog eyes. "Tomato rice soup, please."

Castiel huffs out a laugh. "You're making the best out of it, right?"

Dean nods with a goofy smile. Cas ruffles his hair and leaves him with the stupid TV show.

 

"I'm boooored!" Dean moans when Castiel brings him an ice pack. He puts his book on the bedside table and pulls Cas down into the bed with him.

"You don't like the book you're reading? Do you want me to bring you another one?" Cas asks. He chuckles when Dean nuzzles at his neck.

"I like it but I'm sick and tired of reading. And watching TV. And everything I'm allowed to do."

Cas sighs. "Tomorrow we can take a walk and invite Sam to visit. Okay? But today I want you to stay in bed."

Dean groans and buries his head in the pillow. "At least stay with me." he mutters.

Cas runs his fingers through Dean's hair. He gets how hard it is for someone like Dean to be idle.

"Okay, I'll stay. What do you want to do? Play cards? Or I can read to you, it may lull you to sleep."

"Okay. What are you reading?" Dean nods to the small pile of books on Cas' nightstand. Castiel picks one and shows it to Dean.

"Shakespeare? Are you kidding me?"

Castiel grins at him and opens the book. "Just give it a chance."

"You're taking advantage of the situation, you bastard."

"Mhm, maybe. Shut up and listen." He clears his throat when he finds the right page.

"Devouring Time, blunt thou the lion's paws,

And make the earth devour her own sweet brood;

Pluck the keen teeth from the fierce tiger's jaws,

And burn the long-lived phoenix in her blood;

Make glad and sorry seasons as thou fleet'st,

And do whate'er thou wilt, swift-footed Time,

To the wide world and all her fading sweets;"

Dean's taken by surprise. He expected some sweet bullshit that would bore him to death. He didn't expect the words to have such an impact on him. He can't tear his eyes away from Cas' lips. The deep rumble of his voice makes the hair on the back of his neck stand on end.

"But I forbid thee one most heinous crime:

O, carve not with thy hours my love's fair brow,

Nor draw no lines there with thine antique pen;

Him in thy course untainted do allow

For beauty's pattern to succeeding men.

Yet, do thy worst, old Time: despite thy wrong,

My love shall in my verse ever live young."

A warm feeling spreads through Dean's chest. He does his best to control his face when Cas looks at him.

"Do you like it?" he asks.

Dean clears his throat and nods. "It's not as bad as I expected."

Cas hides a triumphant smirk behind the book and finds another page he wants to read.

His voice is softer this time, dark and velvety.

"My glass shall not persuade me I am old

So long as youth and thou are of one date;

But when in thee time’s furrows I behold,

Then look I death my days should expiate.

For all that beauty that doth cover thee

Is but the seemly raiment of my heart,

Which in thy breast doth live, as thine in me.

How can I then be elder than thou art?

O therefore, love, be of thyself so wary

As I, not for myself, but for thee will,

Bearing thy heart, which I will keep so chary

As tender nurse her babe from faring ill.

Presume not on thy heart when mine is slain;

Thou gav’st me thine not to give back again."

This time he doesn't look up, but keeps his eyes on the page. Dean feels his heart beating fast in his chest. The last words are still echoing in his head when he cups Cas' cheek with his palm and presses their lips together.

Cas gives him a soft smile. "It seems you found a taste in Shakespeare," he whispers.

"I think it's more about your recitation," Dean admits.

"Shakespeare never sounded so good when we read it in school."

Cas blushes a little and Dean kisses him again.

"One more?" Cas asks, the kiss leaving him a bit breathless.

"Okay. One more."

"When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,

I all alone beweep my outcast state,

And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,

And look upon myself, and curse my fate,

Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,

Featur'd like him, like him with friends possess'd,

Desiring this man's art and that man's scope,

With what I most enjoy contented least;

Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,

Haply I think on thee, and then my state,

Like to the lark at break of day arising

From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate;

For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings

That then I scorn to change my state with kings."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cas reads Shakespeare's sonnets 19,22 and 29


	15. SECOND YEAR, SECOND MONTH part one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I thought that every month will have around 1k words and I would update every week? Well this month has over 5k (I decided to devide it into two chapters) and it took me 6 weeks to update. Please accept my appologize. One of the many reasons it took me so long was my [DCBB fic](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2523509), which you should definitely check out. I can promise you I won't abandon this fic. It's my precious baby, but I can't pay it as much attention as it deserves. So be patient, please.  
> This might be my favourite month so far, hope you'll enjoy it.

Dean wakes up with a warm mouth on his neck and gentle fingers sneaking under the front of his shirt. He makes a pleased sound to let Cas know he's awake. The other man smiles against his skin and pushes himself closer. Dean can feel Castiel's hardness against his buttocks. It's normally his favorite kind of weekend morning when one of them wakes up with a morning wood and the other helps him out. But this time when Cas' palm slides behind the waistband of his pants, Dean flinches. At least he's smart enough to hide his reaction by turning around and getting up to his knees. Cas doesn't protest when Dean takes him into his mouth.

The sounds Cas is making and the way his back arches from the mattress calm Dean's nerves and his chest eases when Castiel moans his name. When he finishes and Cas offers to reciprocate, Dean tells him they don´t have time. Which is true, they have to pick up Ben.

 

They spend the day in a park. Pointing at things like cars and dogs and airplanes, telling Ben their names or making ridiculous sounds. They laugh a lot.

Ben starts crying when the ducks they've been feeding fly away and Dean's not able to make him stop. Eventually Cas makes a puppet out of a napkin and comforts the little boy. Dean kisses him breathless as a reward. Some asshole makes a homophobic comment and Dean flips him off.

The biggest adventure is changing Ben's diaper in public.

The boy takes a nap in his stroller on the way home.

Cas takes a lot of photos. It's a beautiful day.

 

"Dean! Dean, come here! Hurry!"

Dean swears under his breath. He's left Cas with Ben alone for a few minutes to prepare dinner and there's already an emergency.

"Dean!"

"Coming!"

He runs into the living room, but Cas stops him from coming closer with a raised hand. He's crouching on the carpet and staring at Ben who's sitting a few feet away.

"What-"

"Hush!"

Castiel shakes the toy he's holding and it rattles softly. Ben looks at him and reaches his little hand, but the toy is too far. He starts crawling towards Cas, but the man stands up, holding the toy out of Ben's reach. The baby looks around, then he grabs the edge of the coffee table and pulls himself up to his feet.

"Oh my god," Dean breathes out. He rips his eyes from his son to see Cas beaming at the little boy. Ben is staring back at him, making grabby hands. For a moment Dean thinks the baby will start crying, but Castiel rattles the toy again. A new determination settles on the toddler's face and he takes a few shaky steps. Cas gives him the toy, laughing happily. Before Ben manages to shove the toy into his mouth, Dean scoops him into his arms and hugs him. He's laughing, but when he turns to Cas, his vision is blurry with tears. Cas steps closer, kisses Dean's cheek and pats Ben's back.

"I'll fetch the camera and we'll try it again."

"Okay, but give me my phone first. I wanna make a video and send it to Sam."

 

Cas is woken up in the middle of the night by desperate crying from the nursery. He looks at Dean who's still oblivious to the world. Cas kicks the covers away and sits up. A strong hand grabs his wrist.

"Stay. He'll stop," Dean grumbles, face still half buried in the pillow.

"But he's crying. Something is wrong. He might be hungry or need his diaper changed."

"He's probably fine, Cas. He'll fall asleep soon."

"Why is he crying then?" Cas asks doubtfully.

"He's probably just confused that he woke up alone in a dark room."

Cas' eyes widen in the dim light of the street lamp outside. "That's terrible!" He starts getting up again.

"We have to go to him. And maybe we should bring him into bed with us."

Dean groans and sits up. "Great idea if you want to share the bed with him every time he's here. Once he gets used to it, he'll demand it. He needs to get used to sleeping in his room"

"But, Dean-"

Dean presses his hand against Cas' mouth.

"Listen."

The crying has quietened. Castiel has to strain his ears to hear a few final sniffs, then there´s silence.

"He's asleep," he breathes out.

Dean smiles. "Told you."

Cas keeps staring at the wall, waiting for another crying fit that doesn't come. Dean pulls him back under the covers. Cas cuddles to his side, but after a few minutes of listening to Dean's steady heartbeat he's sure he won't fall asleep anytime soon. He presses a kiss to Dean's chin and when the other man smiles, Cas finds his lips. The kiss is a bit sleepy, but the slow and lazy drag of lips and tongues ignites a fire in Cas' guts anyway.

"Cas," Dean groans into his mouth when Castiel grabs his ass and grinds their hips together. He says it again when Cas' thumb rubs his hipbone and this time it actually sounds like a protest. Cas doesn't mind until he reaches between Dean´s legs and Dean bats his hand away.

They look into each other's eyes, both breathing heavily.

"What's wrong?" Cas asks softly. Dean's eyes dart away.

"Nothing."

"Are you still in pain?"

 "No!" Dean's sick of the look of concern on Cas' face.

"I just... can't. I'm not ready yet." He's grateful for the darkness, because he's quite sure he's blushing. He feels embarrassed, but Castiel just nods.

"Okay, I can wait."

Dean looks up at him. "Thank you."

Castiel kisses his forehead, but he's still frowning.

"But, Dean, you know I don't mind, right? The surgery has changed nothing for me. I love you the same and I want you."

"I know," Dean sighs. He wishes he could say that nothing has changed for him too.

 

When Castiel storms into the house shouting his name, Dean's heart stops with fear that something terrible happened. He's relieved when he sees Cas' goofy smile. Castiel throws himself around Dean's neck and even though he doesn't know what's going on, Dean laughs with him, his happiness is contagious.

"I have a job!" Cas announces finally. Dean pushes himself away to look at his eyes, hand squeezing his shoulders.

"Really?"

"Yes! I talked with the high school Principal, Jody Mills. She needs a substitute for an art teacher who's having a baby."

"That's awesome!" Dean hugs him again and kisses the top of his head.

"I'll start in January. It won't pay as well as the gallery, but it's better than nothing. And I can keep painting."

"It's awesome, Cas. Seriously. I'm proud of you."

Cas smiles at him, all teeth and gums and squinty eyes, Dean huffs out a laugh and kisses him until they both feel dizzy.

"I wanna celebrate," Castiel whispers between kissing Dean's neck and collarbones. He tugs at Dean's belt and starts to fumble with the buckle.

Dean stiffens. "Cas, stop."

Castiel obeys as abruptly as if Dean has frozen him with a spell.

"Right," he mutters and lets his hands fall to his sides. His face darkens, the sparkle in his eyes dies and leaves just an ice cold blue. He clenches his jaw and turns away.

Dean's heart is beating fast and his chest fills with sudden rage.

 "You promised you'd wait!"

"And that's what I'm doing," Castiel answers coldly.

"Yeah, but you're being pissy about it."

Cas inhales but doesn't say anything. He closes his eyes instead, trying to steady himself.

"I'm sorry but-"

"But what?"

Cas opens his eyes and this time they're filled with pain.

"I was scared the cancer would take you away from me."

"Well, it didn't."

Castiel raises an eyebrow. "Didn't it?"

With that he walks away, slamming the bedroom door shut behind himself.

It leaves Dean dumbstruck for a moment.

It's true that he feels different since the surgery, but he's still here, they're still together. It's just the sex that's missing, right? But even though it's not what their relationship stands on, he can't deny that it's an important part of it.

He imagines how he would feel if Cas refused to have sex with him and his stomach twists. He would feel terrible. And he would blame himself. He can't let Castiel feel like that.

 

When he walks into the bedroom, Castiel doesn't look at him. He's changing in front of the mirror. The tie Dean tied for him this morning lying on the bed. Dean steps closer tentatively and to his surprise Cas doesn't shake him off when he wraps his arms around his waist.

"I'm sorry," he says softly into Cas' ear.

Castiel sighs and looks at him through the mirror.

"You have nothing to apologize for. You're not to blame. But you have a problem, Dean. And if I can't help you, you should find someone who can, because obviously you're not dealing with it on your own."

The words hurt, but Dean can't deny they're true.

"I promise," Dean whispers and hugs Cas tighter. He realizes he's shaking when Castiel turns around and hugs him back.

 

Castiel doesn't push him anymore. He kisses him back when Dean starts and cuddles him when Dean wraps himself around him in the bed, but he never initiates anything. One time he pushes Dean away when cuddling turns into making out and locks himself in the bathroom. It hurts, Dean would gladly blow him or jerk him off. It's not Castiel's body he has a problem with.

All in all it's clear he has to fulfill his promise and ask for help. But who can he turn to? Sam? No way in hell is he going to talk about his sex life (or the lack of it) with his brother. Lisa? She's still one of Dean's closest friends, but talking to his ex-wife about this would be just awkward. Benny. Yes, he'd be the best person to talk to but he's out of state and Dean doesn't want to deal with this over phone.

He's sitting in his office and playing with the business card he got from the survival support weirdo. He's turning it over mindlessly in his fingers when his boss enters.

"Just do it!" Missouri says from the doorway. Dean jerks and looks up at her, feeling like a little boy caught red handed.

"W-what?"

"I don't know what it is you're thinking about, but get over with it. I can't stand you moping around. Whoever's number is on that card, call them. And then better start working your ass off if you don't want to be unemployed!" She leaves and slams the door shut. Dean stares after her with his mouth agape, wondering if she's a psychic or something.

 

" Agent Grant." Dean hesitates and looks at the card again, but the number is right and he's pretty sure it´s Garth's voice.

"Garth?"

"Oh. Sorry. Who's that?" Now when he´s not trying to sound all tough and formal, it's clear that it's really him.

"Dean Winchester. We met at the hospital. You told me about the support group."

"The 'Men who like knitting' group?"

"No! The... the other group. Cancer."

"Oh of course. Wait, Dean Winchester... Winchester. Oh yes! Dean! Tough guy on the outside, big softie on the inside Winchester! Of course I remember you. How are you?"

"I'm... I'm fine."

"You don't sound fine. So why are you calling? Did you change your mind and want to honor us with your presence at the next meeting?"

"Well, I thought... you offered... that we could talk in private."

"Fine!" Garth's enthusiasm is getting on Dean's nerves, but at the same time he realizes that all his nervousness is gone.

"Should I bring Mr. Fizzles with me?" Garth asks.

"Please no!" Dean groans, but he's smiling.

 

When they meet, Garth wraps his arms around him in a bear hug. He's stronger than he looks. Dean pats his back awkwardly and gasps for breath when Garth finally lets go.

"So, what's going on, Dean?"

"Let me have a beer or two before I tell you," he says and waves at the waitress. The bar is cozy, it reminds him of Harvelle's Roadhouse, but it's not enough to really comfort him. He needs alcohol to gather courage.

"So, uhm, you're a... survivor yourself, right?" he asks after a moment of awkward silence. Well, it's only awkward for him, Garth doesn't seem to mind, he's looking around the bar with a smile and a curious look on his face.

"Yeah, double orchiectomy and two years of chemotherapy. But I've been in remission for ten years now."

"Oh wow," Dean breathes out. "Does that mean that they-"

"Took both my balls? Yep. I asked the doctor for a discount and he said he could do two for the price of one." Garth winks at him, but Dean isn't able to laugh. He must look terrified, because Garth pats his shoulder.

"Relax. It's not that bad. When I don't take my shots I can sing in soprano. But I can still function as a man if you know what I mean." Another wink. The waitress brings their beer and Dean shoots her a thankful smile before he chugs down half of his bottle.

"Come on. You look like you're more sorry for my balls than I am. Look at me." He spreads his arms. "I'm alive and happy."

Dean puts the bottle down, but doesn't look up from it.

"I feel like an idiot now."

Garth cocks his head. "Why?"

Dean plays with the drops of condensation on the bottle.

"I came here to whine to someone who has it much worse than me."

Garth is silent for so long that Dean has to check if he's still there. His face is more serious than Dean has ever seen. It makes him look older.

"I don't have it worse. I told you I'm happy. You're obviously not. Besides you have the right to be upset even though your problems might not be as big as the problems of others. Whatever's is bothering you, don't be ashamed of it and tell me, Dean." He takes a sip, then looks at Dean and smiles encouragingly.

Dean finishes his beer and orders another before he starts.

"Me and... my partner, we haven't had sex since the surgery."

He expects some kind of mockery or at least surprise, but Garth just nods, seriousness all gone from his face leaving just a friendly interest when he asks: "You can't get it up?"

"No! I mean yes. I mean... actually... I don't know. I haven't tried."

This time Garth raise an eyebrow.

"You haven't tried? Not even by yourself?"

Dean rubs the back of his neck, feeling totally embarrassed. He's living with a dude which makes him like 50% gay, but talking about his junk with another guy who's not Cas still feels really weird.

"I...it... it feels weird." he stutters eventually.

"Weird? Is something wrong with the prosthetic? Did it twist? Is it painful? Does it look wrong?"

"No, no! It looks normal, it just _feels_ wrong." He stops Garth from saying anything with a raised hand.

"I don't mean to the touch, I mean... It's like it's not even me down there."

Garth's eyes light up with realization. "Oh! So it's only in your head!"

Dean sighs and drops his head into his palms. "Why do you sound so happy about it?"

"Because that's great! It means that your body hasn't rejected the implant. You don't need another surgery. That's good, Dean!"

Dean looks at him through his fingers. The guy looks genuinely happy for him. With a weird feeling in his stomach, Dean realizes Garth is right. The only problem with his fake ball is that he doesn't like it, but he doesn't have a good reason for that. The thing has been doing it's job well so far.

"All you need now is a shrink," Garth says as if it was the most common advice to give someone over a beer.

"I'm not going to a shrink!" Dean bursts out. He realizes he's said it too loud when he hears a voice behind him.

"You know a bartender is a kind of a shrink. And it's free." Pamela smiles at him sweetly and puts their beers on the table. She's hot, smart and Dean likes to talk to her. She kept hitting on him until he came with Cas, who gave her such a dirty look Dean was surprised that her eyes didn't burn out of her head.

"So what's bothering you, sweet cheeks?" She asks and slips into the booth next to him.

"Uhm, Pamela, sorry I don´t-"

"Dean had an orchiectomy and now he can't have sex with his boyfriend."

Dean groans and hits the table with his forehead. He feels his cheeks burning. Pamela rubs his back.

"Don't you have a bar to tend and customers to serve?"

"It's slow tonight, I have time to help a friend. So what's wrong? It doesn't work? Did you talk to your doctor?"

"It does work! It's totally okay, but I, I just-"

"He doesn't know if it works, he hasn't tried yet," Garth adds, the treacherous bastard.

"So you're afraid it won.t work."

"Yes! Of course I am. What if... what if it feels weird? What if Cas doesn't like it? He says he doesn't mind, but how can he know?"

"Exactly! How can he know if you don't give him a chance to find out," Pamela says.

"And how can you know if it works, or feels weird if you don't try?"

Dean stares at her, feeling like a stupid little boy. He drops his eyes to the table. "You're right," he mutters.

She pats his thigh. "Just take it slow. Learn your own body again, then let Castiel do the same. If there's something different, you can get used to it."

Dean nods. "Thanks, Pam. I'm being stupid."

"Oh come on, I get it. A stud like you losing a ball? It's a punch into your ego."

"I liked you better when you were all compassionate and supportive."

She laughs and pats his hair. "I'm serious though. I get that you feel it like a huge problem. But it isn't, Dean. The only important thing is that you´re healthy now."

"Yeah I know."


	16. SECOND YEAR, SECOND MONTH part two

Dean comes home tipsy and in a much better mood. Garth and Pamela proved to be a great company and he almost forgot all his worries.

The house is dark, Cas must be asleep already, so Dean tries to make as little noise as possible. He's in the middle of the staircase when he hears the sound. At first he thinks Castiel is hurt, then he recognizes the following sound as a moan of pleasure, not pain. His blood freezes in his veins. Is it possible that Cas got tired of waiting and found someone to help him out?

He fights the urge to run the rest of the stairs. He walks silently towards the bedroom and stops next to the open door. His heart is beating fast, He swears that whoever the guy fucking his boyfriend is, he's gonna...

"Dean!" The moan knocks the air out of Dean's lungs. There's no chance Cas could see or hear him. Confused, but still angry, Dean clenches his teeth and braces himself for the worst, then he peeks into the room.

Castiel is kneeling naked on the bed, but he's alone. Face pressed into the mattress, ass in the air. He's fucking himself with his fingers while his other hand works his cock. Dean presses himself against the wall and gasps. He feels his cock already straining his pants. When he hears another broken cry of his name, he has to take another look.

Cas is shaking, there's sweat on his back gleaming in the light of the bedside lamp. He's close. Dean can tell by his ragged and breathing the tension of his thighs. He starts to stroke himself through his jeans. Of course he could come in and join his boyfriend but he likes the thrill of the forbidden.

Castiel is a babbling mess now, needy and desperate, thrusting his ass up onto his fingers and pumping his cock hard and fast. Dean has to bite his lip so he doesn't moan out loud. Then Cas moans for the last time and comes, his whole body tensing and then going lax.

He strokes his cock a few more times, then he sprawls out on his back. For a moment Dean´s afraid he might notice him, but Castiel drapes his forearm over his eyes and groans.

"Fuck!" he breathes out. It's angry and desperate at the same time. There's so much hidden in the one word and Dean understands everything. He knows how it feels, when the post-orgasm haze turns into something ugly and painful. He's been there. When they broke up, when he choose Lisa and promised himself he wouldn't even think of Cas, but he couldn't. When he tried to release the tension by jerking off, but it only made him feel worse. Guilty, dirty, pathetic. He knows how Cas feels right now and it's like a punch in the gut, because it's his fault.

He leaves as silently as he came, returns into the car where he stares into a distance.

"Fuck!" he hits the steering wheel. He feels like a dick. His love is missing him even though he's right there. He has to get himself together. For Cas and for himself.

 

"Two months? Gabriel almost chokes on his milkshake. "Are you kidding me?"

"No. It's been almost two months," Castiel confirms grimly.

"Wow. That's long. I mean some people go longer without sex, but not when they have a partner."

"I know," Cas sighs. "And I know it's just sex, it shouldn't be so important, but-"

Gabe reaches over the table and pats Cas' hand to encourage him.

"But it's not just sex, right?" he says and his younger brother nods biting his lower lip.

"I guess... I guess it's because I feel like he's pushing me away. He wants to deal with everything on his own and he shuts me out. And it hurts, Gabe. It fucking hurts. I'm still... God, I'm still mad at him for not telling me he was sick. I'm afraid I'll never be able to forgive him. And now he's doing it again. There's a reason why he doesn't want to have sex, but he won't tell me. He won't let me help, he won't let me in."

There are tears prickling Cas' eyes. He angrily wipes them away with the back of his hand and tries to wash away the lump in his throat with his tepid coffee.

"You didn't tell him that you loved him and you ran away," his brother reminds him and Castiel looks up.

"I was protecting him!" he barks out, surprised by the wave of anger washing over him.

"That's probably exactly what he thought he was doing when he didn't tell you about the cancer." Gabriel says it calmly but he could as well punch Cas in the face. Castiel stares at him breathless for a minute, then he groans and hides his face in his palms.

"You're my brother, you're supposed to make me feel better, not worse!"

Gabriel smirks. "Who told you such a filthy lie? As your older brother I'm supposed to embarrass you and make you feel inferior."

 

Dean counts to five as he inhales and to eight on the exhale. Sam taught him breathing exercises like this many times and Dean always found them stupid, but now he's willing to do anything that might lessen his anxiety.

Castiel is in bed, reading. He recently started wearing glasses for reading and he hates it. Dean finds it hot. Cas looks up and raises his eyebrows questioningly when Dean steps into the bedroom naked.

"Dean? What's up?" The deep rumble of his voice makes goosebumps raise on Dean's back.

"I need your help," he answers and steps closer to Cas' side of the bed. His palms are sweating and he has to force himself to breathe evenly.

Castiel puts away his book and then the glasses.

"Whatever you ask for," he says softly. He has to tilt his head back to look at Dean who's standing right by the bed now. His eyes are so honest and loving that it makes Dean's heart ache.

"I need you to take a good look at me. To touch me. To see if anything feels weird or different."

"I told you it doesn't-"

Dean presses a finger against Cas' lips.

"I know you said you don't mind. But I need to make sure. I need you to be honest with me."

Castiel nods. "I will be. I'll tell you everything.

Cas' eyes glisten in the light of the reading lamp and for a moment Dean's scared it's because of tears, but then Cas blinks and it's gone. He takes Dean's hand and guides him onto the bed.

Dean tries to relax, but he's tense when he lays on his back. It's a relief when Cas starts by kissing him. His lips are warm and soft and he tastes like tooth paste.

Dean tugs at his shirt.

"Can you take this off? To make it more even."

Cas nods and pulls the shirt over his head.

"As you wish," he says when he drops it on the floor. Dean smiles brightly, thinking of Cas' favorite movie, Princess Bride.

Dean's anxiety is long forgotten when Cas kisses his collarbones and rubs his sides. It tickles a bit and Dean chuckles and squirms.

"Hold on! I have to count your ribs to make sure nothing's different."

Dean laughs. "This was supposed to be serious!" he yells and smacks the back of Cas' head.

"I'm taking it very seriously!" Cas says and blows a raspberry on Dean's belly.

It takes at least ten minutes after that for Dean to calm enough, so that he doesn't chuckle and squirm every time Cas touches him.

He bites his lower lip when Cas sucks at his nipple, rubbing the other one with the pad of his thumb. Dean threads his hand through Cas' hair and sighs. He missed this.

Castiel places open mouthed kisses down Dean's chest, leaving a wet trail and Dean is feeling himself melting into the mattress. When Cas bites at Dean's hipbone and then finds the scar with his fingers, Dean tenses. The scar in his groin is still pink and even though it's not tender anymore, Dean holds his breath as Cas traces it with the tips of his fingers, then with his tongue. Dean lets out a moan. His cock is half hard and twitching and he wishes Cas would hurry up, but at the same time he dreads the moment Cas touches his balls.

His lover takes his time, kissing and nibbling at the soft skin on the inside of his tights. He gently makes Dean bend his knees and pushes his legs open, placing a kiss into the center of the back of Dean's knee. He settles between Dean's legs, then looks up at him, silently asking for consent. Dean nods, his breathing shallow. He props himself on his elbows so he can watch Castiel's face. He doesn't know what he expects, but when Cas touches him, it feels as good as ever. Castiel examines his sack with gentle fingers, frowning a bit and even though it's more like a medical examination, his touches send thrills up Dean's body.

"The new one is a bit firmer," Castiel notes and Dean nods. He likes how Castiel puts it. The new one. Not the fake one, not the prosthetic. The new one. New, better, healthy, not filled with cancer. He shouldn't hate it and appreciate it instead. His line of thought is interrupted suddenly when Cas lowers himself and uses his mouth.

"Shit, Cas!" he breaths out, regretting it immediately because it makes Cas raise his head.

"How does it feel?" he asks. By the way his lips curl into a soft smile, he already knows the answer.

"Good, oh Cas. It feels awesome."

Castiel smirks and continues, this time grabbing Dean's cock and stroking it lazily while still caressing his balls with his tongue and lips. Dean huffs out a breath. It's been so long, why was he so stupid and waited for so long? Now it all seems so ridiculous. How could he forgot that Castiel can take everything bad away. That he can make him feel safe, make him feel wanted, make him feel as great as right now.

His chest tightens and he grabs Cas' hair, pulling him up. "Cas, come here, come here, babe." He says breathlessly and when Castiel obeys, he kisses him desperately as if he is dying of thirst and Cas is a spring.

"I love you," he whispers against Cas' lips. "I'm sorry," he repeats over and over again between kisses.

Castiel just smiles at him. It's brighter and happier than all his smiles in last few months.

"Should I continue?" he asks and Dean nods, but before he lets go of him, he kisses him again, tasting the sweet smile, swallowing little happy chuckles.

Castiel runs his tongue from the base of Dean's cock to the top, then sucks the head into his mouth. Dean mewls and squeezes his eyes shut. When Cas starts to take more of him in, he can't control himself and bucks his hips, thrusting into the hot wetness. He expects Cas to press his hips into the mattress and hold him still. Instead his lover stops moving and props himself on his hands. It takes Dean a moment to get what he wants him to do and when he does, the thought itself almost makes him lose it. He sits up propped on his elbows and slowly starts to fuck Cas' mouth, hand in Cas' hair, eyes glued to his lover's face. He's hypnotized by the sight and the feeling, it's the hottest thing ever. When Cas moans around him, Dean cries out his name and falls back on the bed. Cas takes control again, grabbing his hips firmly, and taking him in as deep as he can. Dean's breath hitches when he feels Cas' throat tightening around him. He arches his back and lets out an animalistic sound as the orgasm tears out of him.

Dean's body quakes as he comes down from the height. Cas lies down beside him and pulls him into his arms.

"I think everything works just fine," he whispers in Dean's ear and kisses his forehead. Dean huffs out a breath and kisses him, tasting himself on his tongue. When they part, Cas brushes a stray strand of hair out of Dean's face and looks him in the eyes. Dean's heart suddenly feels too big for his chest.

"How do you feel?" Cas asks, his voice so soft and deep it makes Dean shiver.

"Perfect," he breaths out. "I'm so sorry, Cas, I don't even know why-" Castiel silences him with a soft kiss.

"Stop it. Don´t ever apologize for it again. I understand and I'm happy that you got over it, that you... let me help."

This time Dean is sure there are tears in Castiel's eyes. He pulls him closer into a bone-crushing embrace.

"Thank you," he mumbles into Cas' hair. He wishes he could express just how grateful he is. How good Castiel is for him, how important. But as always he lacks the right words, so he opts for pouring all his emotions into a kiss.

"Thank you for everything."


	17. SECON YEAR third month

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Terribly late Christmas chapter. I hope you´ll enjoy it anyway.   
> To avoid confusion I should add that Cas and Gabe use Chuck´s surname - Shurley, but Anna and Naomi use Naomi´s maiden name - Milton.

"Are you serious?" Cas breathes out as he watches Dean trying to push the enormous tree through the door.

Dean grunts in place of an answer and pushes harder. A spray of needles falls on the floor.

"It's...It's..."

"Perfect? I know!" Dean's grin appers between the green branches.

"I was going to say monstrous! Dean, why did you chose such an enormous tree? If we put it inour livingroom there won't be any space left for people!"

"I just wanted a perfect one." Something in Dean's voice makes Cas' heart lurch. He sounds like a little boy. Cas knows that Dean dreams of a perfect Christmas. He's compensating for all the shitty years when they didn't have money, or a parent who would take care of them. But Dean always tried, the first Christmas after they met, Cas sneaked out of their house, because the atmosphere in the Milton's manor was suffocating. He went to the Winchesters and Dean made him hot chocolate, gave him a dog-eared book wrapped in newspaper and Cas read it under their small shabby tree decorated only with paper chains. It was still kind of perfect, because it was real, not like the cold gilt at his home.

It was good enough for him, but not for Dean. Now when he can, he wants to give his family everything he couldn't have. So he has the biggest tree and their house is adorned with so many Christmas lights that it must be visible from space. It's ridiculous, but Castiel gets it and he has no right to ruin it for Dean.

He sighs and throws his hands up hopelessly.

"Oh god, let me help you or you'll damage it before you even get it into the house."

With joined forces they manage to put the tree in it's place in the livingroom, next to the patio door.

Dean sighs contently and sweeps needles off his shoulders.

"Isn't it beautiful?"

Cas smiles and leans his head on Dean's shoulder. "Yeah it is."

He knows Dean's desire to make this Christmas perfect is intensified by the fact that it's their first Christmas together.

Last year they were still in Charlie's little apartment and Dean spent the holidays with Sam and Jess at Bobby's, while Cas went to visit Gabriel.

So this year Dean's crazier than ever before. He also says he's doing it because it's Ben's first Christmas and ignores anyone who tries to tell him that the baby is too young to really enjoy it and that Ben won't even remember it.

"Do you want to decorate it now?" Cas asks when Dean wraps his hands around him and pulls him closer. He's still wearing his jacket and he smells of cold air and spruce needles.

"Yeah, I invited Charlie and Dorothy to help, I hope you don't mind."

Cas smiles into Dean's scarf. "I don't as long as Charlie doesn't bring her own ornaments."

Dean looks at him with exaggerated gasp. "You wouldn't like Star Wars characters on our tree?"

"I liked the Millennium Falcon one but that's all."

Dean chuckles and starts to shrug off his jacket. Cas helps him.

"I'm sure she's putting them on their own tree anyway."

 

He's right, Charlie doesn't bring her own ornaments, but she convinces Dean they should make a popcorn chain. While they work, Cas and Dorothy make gingerbread cookie dough. They chuckle when they hear Dean and Charlie scold each other for eating the popcorn. In the end Dean is expelled to the kitchen so he ends up helping with the cookies.

The house smells like Christmas when Sam and Sarah join them. Sam is the only one able to decorate the top branches of the tree. The prettiest ornament is Pete who finds a new place to sleep on one of the brenches.

They sit in the livingroom, decorating the cookies and sharing Christmas memories, when Cas' phone rings. He leaves to answer it, when he returns, he's staring at the phone in his hand as if it bit him, his face is pale. Dean's by his side in the instant.

He shakes Cas' shoulder gently. "What's happened?"

"My mother," Cas breathes out as he looks up, "she wants us to come for dinner on Christmas Eve."

"What?" Dean chuckles in relief. "Why the devastated face then? I thought it was some tragedy. You scared the shit out of me, you idiot."

Cas frowns at him. "It is a tragedy, Dean! My mother who hates me for being queer invites me and my parter for dinner? She's either possesed by a demon or planning something really nasty. Probably both."

"Or she realized she made a mistake and wants to make amends."

Cas huffs out an exasperated breath.

"No, Dean. I don't believe that."

"So are we going?" Dean thinks it's an innocent question, but Cas looks at him with shock.

"You'd be willing to go?"

"Why not?" Dean shrugs. "It probably won't be the most pleasant experience, but if it helps your relationship with your mother, I'm gonna support you."

Cas' eyes turn fond, he sighs and bows his head. "I don't know. One part of me wants to give her a chance, the other is sure it's a lost cause."

Dean nods and pats Cas' shoulder. "We can go and if it turns really bad, we can leave. She's not gonna tie us to chairs, is she?"

Cas chuckles. "She might," he mutters, but his lips quirk into a smile.

"Is it going to be just you and me and the Evil Queen or are your siblings coming?"

"Anna lives with her, so I suppose she's gonna be there. I don't know about Gabe."

"Fine, call him. But not now. Right now, you need some hot chocolate and cookies." He wraps one arm around Cas' shoulders and leads him to the kitchen.

 

Gabe says that he was invited, but wasn't going to go. He changes his mind when he hears that Dean and Cas are going and pronounces himself a knight in shining armour ready to defend his brother and his spouse with his own body. He's willing to share as many scandalous details of his personal life as possible,in order to keep Naomi's attention on himself. It comforts Castiel for exactly two minutes after he hangs up.

He freaks out when he realizes that he should buy his mother a Christmas present. He freaks out when he doesn't know how to dress. He's basically in constant stress since the phone call. Fortunately he has Dean by his side. Dean who rubs the back of his neck, when he feels Cas' tension. Dean who choses a silk scarf for Naomi. Dean who holds his hand when they drive to the Milton Manor.

"Just breathe, Cas. It's just your family, not a pack of hellhounds."

"Hellhounds would be much more friendly," Cas growls through gritted teeth and gets out of the car.

He looks at the huge building with its bright windows and sighs. Dean grabs his hand and grins at him.

"Thanks to the house, I really feel like in a fairy tale. Going to face the Evil Queen to prove that I deserve my prince."

Cas can't fight back a smile. He leans in for a chaste kiss, then he takes a deep breath. "Let's go, my prince."

 

Dean can count on one hand the times he's entered the Milton family's home. He was never welcome here, at least not by Naomi or Zachariah.

The building is as pompous inside as it is from the outside, with chandeliers, oil paintings and fresh flowers in huge china vases. Dean feels out of place the moment they enter. The only thing that ruins the perfectly absurd impression is the lack of a butler. It's Gabriel who opens the door for them instead. His grin is brighter than all the chandeliers, which means, Dean guesses, that he's already managed to piss Naomi off.

"Hello, little brother!" Gabe greets a bit too cheerfully for Dean's liking. Cas let's him wrap his arms around his neck, but he doesn't let go of Dean's hand. Gabe then pats Dean's shoulder and leads them into the huge dining room, with a Christmas tree that Dean would never consider better than the perfect one in their home, even though it's bigger and adorned with thousands of lights and vintage ornaments.

"Wait, wait, wait!" Gabe suddenly stops them. As an answer to their confused looks he points above their heads. Dean sighs and shakes his head, amused when he sees a bunch of mistletoe hanging above them. He notices that Cas looks around before he leans into the kiss. It's a bit ridiculous, as if their relationship was a secret and he was afraid of being caught. But Naomi is nowhere to be seen, there's just Anna sitting at the table and beaming at them, so Dean wraps his arm around Cas' waist and pulls him closer, turning the kiss less chaste than Castiel intended.

They're interrupted by Naomi clearing her throat loudly right next to them. Dean has to bite his lip to stifle a chuckle when Cas jumps back and gapes at his own mother.

"Hello, Mrs Milton," Dean greets, giving Cas time to collect himself. Naomi gives him a once over, then she extends her hand. "Hello, Dean. Please, call me Naomi. We are almost a family now, right?"

Dean's brows shoot up, but he nods and shakes her hand, forcing a smile. It seems like a good start, but he knows he shouldn't let his guard down.

They place the presents they've brought under the tree and take their places at the table. Dean sits next to Cas and across the table from Naomi. It's not a surprise when she invites them to join hands for a prayer, but Dean's taken aback when she asks _him_ to lead the prayer. When he was young, family dinners were very rare and John never made them say prayers. If he ever had a faith, he'd lost it with his wife. Dean sometimes imagined Mary holding John's hand and saying her thanks over a delicious meal she cooked for her family, but he doesn't know if it's just his fantasy or a real memory.

Cas must see the horor in his eyes, because he squeezes his hand a bit tighter and looks at Naomi. "I'll do it."

His mother gives him a curt nod, she doesn't spare a look for Dean.

Dean doesn't doubt that Cas' words are beautiful, but he's hardly able to listen to them. He watches him holding his mother's hand and saying words of praise and thinks about Castiel's faith. His upbringing was strict and religious, because his uncle Zachariah Milton was nuts and his mother wasn't any better. She disowned him when he came out. He has so many reasons to give up his faith and Dean never sees him pray or go to church, but now he's praying and Dean knows it's not just a show to satisfy his mother. Dean feels a pang of pain in his chest as he realizes that he lives with Castiel, he loves him with all he has, but he's never talked with him about this.

He mutters a quiet amen when everybody else does and gives Cas' hand a squeeze before he lets go of it. Castiel shoots him a shy smile.

The food is delicious, some fancy stuff with complicated foreign names. Dean can't even tell what it's made of, but he enjoys it. Even the conversation starts well. Naomi tells them about a charity auction she recently organized and then asks them about their plans for Christmas day.

"Dean's brother and his wife are coming for dinner and the next day we're going to visit Dean's surrogate family in Sioux Falls."

She nods, meticulously cutting her food to small pieces.

"I heard you have a child, Dean."

"Yes." Dean smiles as his heart swells with pride. "I have a baby boy. He's ten months old."

"Shouldn't you be spending Christmas with him and your wife?"

"Mom!" Anna gasps.

Dean clenches his jaw, his blood turning cold in his veins.

"We're taking him with us to South Dakota, my _ex_ wife is okay with it." He tries to keep his voice as calm as he can. Naomi raises one perfect eyebrow.

"She is okay with the fact that you cheated on her and then left her with a child, so you can live _in sin_  with my son?"

Castiel drops his fork and knife on his plate with a loud clatter.

"That's enough, mother."

She turns at him, her expression still as cold as stone.

"Excuse me, Castiel, but even _if_ I could accept that you live with a man, I can't accept that you ruined someone's marriage."

Dean places his palm on Cas' thigh to hold him back. He doesn't tear his eyes from Naomi's hateful face.

"I'll never forgive myself that I hurt my wife. All I can do now is to try to make up for it by doing the right things. Getting divorced was one of them. None of it was Castiel's fault. Now, when I'm with him, I'm doing all I can to make him happy. And I believe he _is_ happy with me. And _that's_ the only thing that should matter to you."

"Is he?" she barks and Dean has to fight an urge to punch her in the face for acting like Cas isn't even here, but then she turns to her son.

"Tell me, Castiel, do you still work for that... that _person,_ Balthazar? Does that make you happy? Was that what you dreamt about when you decided to not listen to your uncle and me and chose to study art?"

Castiel bows his head, ashamed, because how can he tell his mother that he actually lost the job and is unemployed.

It's Gabriel who interrupts the silence simmering with anger.

"Balthazar is a good guy, what's your problem with him?"

Naomi looks at him with daggers in her eyes. "He's a sinful man. But to be honest owning an art gallery is better than owning a brothel."

"It's not a brothel, mom, it's a nightclub. I can't say people don't have sex there, but they don't have to pay for it."

Naomi's face turns red and it looks like any moment there will be steam coming out of her ears, like in a cartoon.

Dean thanks Gabe in his mind for the relief it brings to have her anger directed to someone else.

Gabe actually looks like he's enjoying the attention.

"And by the way I don't think it's fair that you're making such a fuss around Cas' relationship with Dean. I slept with a man before and Anna slept with Dean and none of us got this attention from you. It kinda hurts my feelings."

For a moment there's a heavy silence, the tention in the room palpable. Dean's in shock, then he turns Gabe's words over and he has to fight back a laughter. The guy is crazy, but he really is the hero of the day.

Dean feels Cas next to him heave a deep breath. "Look, mother, if you invited us only to express your disgust at my relationship with Dean and with my lifestyle in general, I think we should leave."

He stands up and looks at Dean who follows suit hurriedly.

That's when Naomi finally loses her composure and starts yelling. "Your uncle was right, you're ungrateful and unreasonable! I just want the best for you!"

Cas looks at her over his shoulder. "No, you want the best for the son you want me to be. But I'm not him, I'm someone you don't want to have at your house on Christmas Eve," he answers coldly and then storms out of the room so quickly Dean almost has to run after him. They grab their coats at the hallway and slam the door behind them, not paying attention to the shouting in the livingroom.

 

"Hey, hey, hey!" Dean catches up to Castiel as he stomps down the path to the Impala. He grabs his shoulder and makes him turn around. Cas is breathing fast and his eyes are full of hurt and anger.

"I knew it!" he bursts out. "I knew it would end up like this, but I was stupid and naive and I believed that she... that she might change and finally accept me!"

Dean doesn't hesitate and wraps his arms around him, pulling Cas into a hug. He's shaking and he clutches at Dean's coat, clinging on him like a lifeline.

"It's okay, Cas. It's okay. You don't need her approval." Cas nods, rubbing his cheek against Dean's shoulder.

"Don't let her ruin our Christmas, Cas. You're not the son she wanted you to be, but that's a good thing. The guy she wishes you were is probably a douchebag."

Cas chuckles softly and tilts his head to brush his lips over Dean's jawline. "Thank you, Dean," he mutters.

Dean cups Cas' face in both his hands and looks into his eyes. "You're a good man and what we're doing is not a sin. The only reason i didn't punch her for saying otherwise is because she's your mother."

Cas smiles and nods. "You're right. We don't need her approval. I don't need her to be happy."

Dean hums his agreement as he presses a soft kiss to Cas' lips. He knows that despite what he's saying, Cas hurts. He knows how it feels to desparately want a parent's acceptance.

Cas sighs and nuzzles his face into the crook of Dean's shoulder and Dean is happy to just hold him.

They part when they hear footsteps on the gravel.

"Hey, guys." Gabriel waves at them, panting slightly. "It seems like I've been kicked out too."

Cas lets out a sigh and pinches the bridge of his nose. "I'm sorry, Gabe. It's all my fault. I shouldn't have come."

"Stop that, Cassie." Gabe slams his palm on his brother's shoulder. "The only one to blame is our mommie dearest."

Dean hums his agreemen. "Thanks, Gabe, you were awesome back there, taking some of her bullshit on yourself."

Gabe shrugs with a smile. "Yeah, as a token of gratitude, you can invite me to your lovely home, because I was supposed to stay here and now I kinda don't have anywhere to sleep."

"Are you kidding me?"

Gabe throws his hands into the air. "Come on, it's Christmas Eve, shouldn't you be feeling charitable?"

Dean rolls his eyes and looks questioningly at Cas who's smiling softly.

"You're not spending Christmas with Kali?"

Gabe sighs and runs his fingers through his hair. "Nah, she broke up with me a month ago. She's dating somebody else." There's a flicker of real emotion in his face before he turns it into ridiculously exaggerated puppy dog eyes. "Another reason why you should take me home."

Castiel turns to Dean and _th_ _o_ _se_ are some puppy dog eyes he can't refuse anything. "Dean, if you don't mind it would make me happy if he stayed and joined us for dinner tomorrow. Then we can go to visit Chuck together."

Dean throws his head back with a groan. "Come on, you don't have to make that face. Of course your brother can stay for Christmas." He points a finger at Gabriel. "But no flirting with my brother."

As an answer Gabriel gives him a smile so bright that there's no doubt he's not going to comply.

 

Castiel is suspiciously silent on the way home and Dean knows that even though he pretends not to care about what Naomi said, he's deeply affected by the incident. When they arrive, he goes straight to bed and leaves it to Dean to help Gabe settle into the guest room and have a good night drink with him.

When Dean goes into the bedroom, he's suprised to find Cas still awake. He's not even reading, just lying on his back, staring at the ceiling. Dean crawls into the bed and leans down to kiss Cas on forehead. "Are you okay, baby?"

Cas smiles at him and pulls him in for a kiss. Dean moans into his mouth, surprised by the unexpected passion. When Cas rolls them over and starts to trail kisses down Dean's neck, Dean gasps for breath and gently pushes him away.

 "What's wrong?" Cas frowns at him.

"You're upset and using sex as coping mechanism. I hate to say it but shouldn't we talk about it?"

Cas chuckles softly and rakes his fingers through Dean's hair, scratching his scalp so delightfuly that Dean's eyes flutter closed.

"I'm not upset, Dean. I'm happy I have you. I have a family that I found myself, I don't need a family that doesn't want me." He tugs at Dean's hair, tilting his head back so he can kiss Dean's Adam's apple.

"And right now I'm trying to make love to my boyfriend, do you have a problem with that?"

Dean opens his mouth to answer, but all that comes out of his mouth is an undignified sound of pleasure when Cas sucks at the pulse point on his neck and his hand slides under the hem of Dean's shirt and up his torso.

"Y-your brother is next door," Dean protests weakly.

"So?" Cas pushes Dean's shirt up so he can press hot kisses to his chest.

Dean sighs and arches his back, instinctively offering himself to his lover.

"What if he hears us?"

"He's a big boy, he knows about the birds and the bees. I know because when I stayed at his place, he never cared that I might hear something." Cas' hot breath brushes over Dean's nipple which makes it really hard for Dean to think about anything other than how much he wants Cas to use his tongue. Dean mewls as Cas finally sucks on his nipple and doesn't object when Cas pushes his shirt over his head.

"Are you using me for revenge on your brother?"

"No, Dean, I just want to fuck you." Dean huffs out a surprised laughter.

Cas yanks at his shoulder with a throaty: "Turn over." Dean obeys with a grumble earning himself a sharp slap on his ass the moment Cas pulls his pajama pants down.

"What the hell got into you?" Dean breathes out hugging a pillow and lifting his legs so Cas can get rid of his clothes entirely.

"The Christmas spirit," Cas retorts. Dean's chuckle hitches in his throat when Cas grabs his ass cheeks and his whole body jerks at the touch of Cas' tongue on his hole.

"Fuck, Cas," he sighs into the pillow and realizes that he should try to be as quiet as possible if he wants to avoid awkwardness in the morning. It's clear Cas isn't going to make it easy for him.

He pushes one slick finger in, making Dean gasp. He didnt even notice that Cas grabbed the lube.

Cas presses kisses along Dean's spine as he works him open, a bit more roughly than usual, but Dean doesn't mind.

He bites the pillow so he doesn't cry out when Cas slides into him, bottoming out in one long push, his body becoming flush with Dean's. He licks the shell of Dean's ear before he whispers deep and husky: "I love you."

Then he finally starts to move, his hips rolling in wicked circles, pulling out ever so slightly and pushing back in. Cas' body is moving in sensual waves, Dean reaches back to feel the strong muscles of his back shifting under his palm.

Dean feels like bursting into tears as Cas stimulates his prostate with every move. His cock feels huge inside of him, spreading him wide, filling him up. He buries his face into the pillow to muffle the needy sounds escaping his throat.

"Dean," Cas groans, nuzzling at Dean's neck. "Don't hide from me."

Dean moans into the pillow and shakes his head. Cas huffs out a breath and bites gently at Dean's shoulder. Catching him off guard, he yanks the pillow from Dean's grip and drops it on the floor.

Feeling exposed, Dean gasps and props himself on his elbows lifting his ass up as Cas starts to thrust harder.

"I want to hear you," he groans, but Dean stubbornly bites his wrist to repress the grunts and groans Cas fucks out of him.

Losing his patience, Cas withdraws. Dean wimpers at the loss and looks over his shoulder, giving Cas the opporotunity to roll him over easily.

"What's wrong?" Dean asks in shaky voice.

"Hands on the headboard," Cas orders. His eyes are dark with lust and his voice makes Dean's mouth go dry.

"What?" he rasps.

"Put your hands on the rails or I'm not going to continue."

Dean feels a surge of defiance and part of him wants to resist. The other part of him is embarrassingly aroused and the head of Castiel's cock flushed and leaking pressing against his entrance isn't helping.

Keeping their eyes locked, he slowly stretches his arms above his head and wraps his fingers around the rails of the headboard. He grits his teeth, determined not to make a sound, but he feels his resolution slip when Cas smiles and kisses him hungrily.

 

Castiel would be lying if he said that the way Dean tries to stay silent doesn't turn him on. He writhes under Castiel's body, clinging to the rails with white-knuckled hands. With each of Castiel's slow, hard thrusts he mewls and whimpers, but keeps his lips pressed tightly shut. It's a beautiful sight, but it's not enough.

Castiel runs his hands down Dean's thighs and lifting his calves, he leads him to wrap his legs around his waist. Taking advantage of the new angle Cas makes sure to hit Dean's prostate as often as possible.

He covers one of Dean's hands on the rail with his palm and leans in to kiss his lover, to lick the breathy moans out of his mouth. In that moment he forgets about their silly battle of wills and loses himself in the feeling of Dean's mouth and his body hot and soft surrounding him. It's him who cries out his pleasure into Dean's mouth and Dean answers him with a moan of his own, the sound echoing through the room that has been too silent until now. And that's it, the levee breaks. Dean finally lets goand after suppressing every sound, he gets a taste of forbidden fruit. He lets go of the rails and wraps his arms around Cas, fingers digging into the flesh of his back. He bucks his hips up, urging Cas deeper. He screams and groans, loud and unreserved. Cas can feel his own self-control slipping out of his hands. He fucks Dean vigorously, chasing sweet release.

Just when he realizes he's already on the edge and should care about Dean's orgasm too, the man in his arms throws his head back and tightens his grip on Cas, his heels pressing against the back of Cas' thighs.

His body convulses and he screams out in pleasure-pain as he comes untouched, hot and thick over his chest. Cas can only savour the sight for a moment before his breath hitches and his hips stutter as he follows Dean. They ride their orgasms together hard and fast and come down panting for breath. Cas pulls out reluctantly and lays half on top of Dean, not minding the stickiness where their chests and softening cocks are pressed together.

"You're terrible," Dean mutters into Castiel's hair. He sounds husky and breathless. It makes Cas proud that he can wreck him like this.

"You didn't sound like you didn't like it," he replies with a smirk and gains himself a pinch on his ass. He squeals and they both burstinto quiet laughter.

When their chuckling dies out, Cas strokes Dean's cheekbone, drowning in the emotion that he sees in Dean's eyes.

"You _are_ terrible," Dean pouts. "I still don't understand how you can make me feel like this."

Cas smiles with a shrug of one shoulder.

"Preternatural powers, personal charm and a perfect dick."

Dean snorts. "Shut the fuck up," he mutters with a smile and pulls Cas down into a kiss.

 

Dean doesn't even realize he's walking funny, until he turns away from the kitchen counter and sees the glint in Gabriels eyes. He stops the man as he's drawing in a breath by pointing a finger at him.

"One word and I'm kicking you out of my house."

Gabe shuts his mouth with an audible clap and pouts at his plate. "I just wanted to say that I never thought you would bottom, that's all."

Dean gapes at him and before he can collect himself, Cas comes to pour himself a mug of coffee.

"Does it mean that you didn't expect me to top, dear brother?"

"What the hell didn't you understand about not saying a word?"

Gabe shrugs. "Hey, I'm the one who could have gotten mentally scarred if I hadn't had my earphones!"

"That's the risk of crashing at someone's house!"

Shaking his head Dean gets up and discards his breakfast. He's too nervous to eat. It's Christmas Day, his brother is coming in a few hours and everything has to be perfect by then.

"Okay, you two get out of my kitchen now, I have work to do."

"I'll help you," Cas offers and comes closer to wrap his arms around Dean's waist.

"I can help too!" Gabe raises his hand.

"No, not you, you'd set the kitchen on fire. You can go to watch cheesy movies, just don't drink too much eggnog before noon."

 

"Cinnamon!" Dean cries out and turns around like a dog chasing his own tail. "I put a jar with cinnamon somewhere and I can´t find it! I can't do the apple filling without cinnamon!"

 Cas stops him by grabbing his shoulders. Dean looks at him with panicky eyes, breathing heavily.

"Dean, calm down. You're freaking out."

"Because I can't find the fucking cinnamon and I can´t do it without the cinnamon!" Dean blurts out angrily and tries to shake Cas' hands off.

"Dean, stop!" His firm voice makes Dean freeze and look at him. "You need to take a deep breath. Everything is going fine. I know you want this to be perfect, but your sanity is more important than turkey or pie."

"Nothing is more important than pie," Dean mutters, but he seems to relax a bit.

Cas chuckles and gives him a hard, short hug because the doorbell rings. "You should go answer the door, I'll look for the cinnamon."

"Screw the cinnamon, come with me." He wraps his arm around Cas waist and leads him to the door followed by Gabe, who has ridiculous reindeer antlers on his head.

"Merry Christmas!" Sam chants the moment Dean opens the door and throws his giant self around his neck. Dean huffs out a strangled laughter and pats his brother's shoulder. Sam proceeds to hug Cas while Dean kisses Sarah's cheek and takes the bag full of presents from her, to put under the tree.

"Hey! I don't get a hug?" Gabe opens his arms and steps closer to Sam who sighs. "If you touch my butt like the last time, I'm gonna kick your ass."

"No, darling, I'm gonna kick his ass if he tries to molest you." Sarah corrects him.

 

Dean feels the tension fall off his shoulders as the house fills with laughter.

"Do you need help?" Sarah asks looking around the kitchen.

"Find me cinnamon," Dean says from the stove.

"You mean this one?" She grabs the little jar from the table and hands it to him. He thanks her through gritted teeth and pretends he doesn't notice Castiel's snicker.

 

The dinner is flawless and Castiel makes sure Dean knows how much everybody appreciates it. After they finish, they retreat to the livingroom, leaving the dishes for later. They are all so full and happy that they don't even care about the presents - except Gabriel who takes a role of an impatient child.

They all snap out of satisfied lethargy when the doorbell rings, exchanging confused look.

Groaning, Dean gets up to answer the door.

Anna is standing there, looking small and lost in her long green coat.

"Hello, Dean. You... you forgot these at mom's place." She hands him a bunch of gifts wrapped in expensive paper with huge glittery ribbons.

"Wow, thanks. Are you coming in?"

She shifts her weight. "I don't want to..." He doesn't let her finish.

"You're family, Anna. Come in."

She shoots him a shy smile and follows him in.

He helps her with her coat and leads her to the living room.

"You're too late for dinner, but just in time for pie."

"Anna!" Cas brightens up and jumps to his feet to embrace his sister. When Dean sees the happiness in his eyes, he realizes that this truly is the perfect Christmas.

 

"What the hell is it?" Gabriel cries out when Cas opens his present from Dean. Cas himself is just staring at the wooden boxes with his mouth agape. "It's Japanese beehive," he breathes out eventually, running his fingers over the smooth wooden surface.

"Beehive? You're going to keep bees?" Anna asks sounding a bit alarmed.

"Do you like it? You were talking about it all the time and I saw a plan on the internet so I thought it was a good..."

Cas cuts him off with an attack hug. "It's amazing, Dean! I'd never... I thought I was just annoying you by talking about bees."

"Yes, you were, that's why I made you the hives," Dean chuckles and kisses Cas' cheek.

"There are two more in the garage," he adds when Cas lets go of him and turns to look at the hive again, looking like he wants to hug it too.

"I can't wait for spring," he breathes out.

"How does it work?" Sam asks, leaning closer to take a look.

"No, please don't! Let's at least open the rest of the presents before we let him speak about bees, because believe me, when he starts, he doesn't know when to stop."

Sam rolls his eyes and Cas snorts.

"Okay, open this one," he grabs a box and gives it to Dean.

Dean tears the paper off, smiling like the excited boy he really is. His smile falters when he finds out that the box is filled with crumpled newspaper.

"You little shit," he growls when he sees Cas' vicious grin.

He ignores the laughter of his family as he angrily throws away the balls of paper until he finds an envelope on the bottom of the box. He gives Cas another death glare before he tears it open.

There are two strips of paper, he turns them in his fingers to see that they're tickets.

"Robert Plant." He gasps.

"Two VIP tickets for Robert Plant's concert including meet and greet," Castiel adds proudly.

"Son of a bitch," Dean sighs hiding his face in his palms.

"Thank you, Cas. This is awesome." He pulls him closer and kisses him not giving a damn about the disgusted sounds coming from their brothers.

* * *

 

They let Gabriel convince them to come to New York on New Year's Eve. The party in Gabriel's club is too loud and crowded, so they don't stay there for long. Leaving just to find out that the streets has turned into one big party too. They push their way through the crowds, holding hands and laughing. Dean feels at least ten years younger.

They shout out the countdown from top of their lungs and when the Ball drops they kiss for the last time in this year.

The crowd roars around them but all Dean sees is Castiel's face. He strokes his cheekbone and feels Castiel's arms tighten around his waist.

"It was a hard year, but we got through everything." He isn't sure Cas can hear him or if his words are swallowed by the noice around them, but then Cas nods and leans closer to speak right into Dean's ear.

"And whatever comes, we can deal with it. Together."

 They kiss for the first time in the new year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> May this year be the best you have ever had!  
> My New Year's resolution is to update more often :)


	18. SECOND YEAR. FOURTH MONTH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second part is pure smut.

"What's the smell?" Dean asks, as he walks into the kitchen.

"Browned butter probably," Cas says without turning away from the counter.

"What are you putting browned butter into?" Dean comes closer, and wrapping his arms around Cas' waist and looks over his shoulder.

"Cookie dough."

"Yay! Cookies!" Dean squeals. "I didn't know you could make cookies."

Cas turns his head to give him an offended look. "I make the best cookies in the world." His voice would scare the shit out of anyone who isn't as used to it as Dean is.

"Really? What makes them so good?" he asks reaching around Cas to snatch a piece of the dough.

"The browned butter and bourbon."

"There's bourbon in them? Sounds good." He puts the dough into his mouth. His eyes flutter shut and he moans.

"Wow, that really is the best cookie dough I've ever eaten," he admits reaching into the bowl for more.

"I told you so," Cas says with a smug smirk before snatchingthe bowl away.

"Don't eat it raw. You'll get salmonella."

"Has anyone ever really gotten salmonella from cookie dough or is it just something people say?"

"I don't know, but I'm not going to let you find out." With that he puts the dough into the fridge.

Dean leans against the counter and crosses his arms over his chest.

"Oh no, don't pout," Cas shakes his head, "it doesn’t work on me."

"Yeah it does. Kind of. At least you always try to kiss the pout away."

Cas huffs out a laugh, but he steps closer and pecks Dean on the lips. Dean smiles and grabs Cas' hips pulling him closer.

"So why are you making cookies?"

Castiel frowns. "I just wanted cookies. Do I need another reason?"

"Yes. You only bake when you have a problem."

"That's not true, Dean." He tries to wiggle out of Dean's arms, but it only makes him tighten his grip. He presses a soft kiss to Cas' neck and his lips brush over Cas' ear when he speaks again.

"Come on. Tell me. Is it because of tomorrow?"

Cas finally stops struggling and lets out a long sigh. He wraps his arms around Dean's neck and leans his head on Dean's shoulder.

"It's my first day in a new job. I'm afraid I'll screw up."

"No, you won't, Cas. It's gonna be alright," says Dean rubbing Cas' back soothingly

"It's just a bunch of teenagers. Youcan handle that."

Cas jerks and looks Dean in the eyes. "Exactly. A bunch of teenagers. What's worse than a bunch of teenagers? If I screw something up they'll eat me alive!"

"No, no, no, Cas. They're gonna love you. You're awesome, you know all the interesting things about art and you're gorgeous."

Cas chuckles softly and shakes his head. "How's my appearance supposed to help me?"

"All the girls and half of the boys will have a crush on you! So no matter how boring your lessons are, you'll be their favorite teacher."

Cas blushes, but he tries to hide it by frowning and fidgeting with a button of Dean's shirt. "You're making it sound so easy, Dean."

"It is easy, Cas. Just talk to them like they're your equals, but don't forget that you're the one in charge. Use what you know. Amaze them with all the stories about quirky artists you like to tell me."

Cas sighs and nods. "I'll try."

"You're gonna be awesome. I'm sure about that." He kisses Cas' nose, which makes him scrunch his face adorably.

"Now, gimme the cookies."

"Thedough has to be in the fridge for at least three hours."

"Nooo," Dean wails, but then he winks at Cas. "Does that mean that you have three hours to kill?"

Cas throws his head back laughing. "Come on, you're not gonna last three hours!"

"Oh, do you wanna bet, you little shit?"

Cas doesn't have a chance to answer because Dean grabs him and throws him over his shoulder. Not minding Castiel's squealing and laughing he carries him to the bedroom.

 

They don't love him. But at least they don't seem to hate him either. More than anything it looks like they're giving him a chance which is enough. Also Dean was right about the crushes. At least as far as Castiel can tell, he was never good in these things, but some of the girls tend to bat their eyelashes really hard every time he looks at them which he considers a sign of interest. When he tells Dean the other man laughs at him, but he looks genuinely happy that Cas did well on his first day.

"Have you told them about Van Gogh's ear?"

"Everybody knows about Van Gogh's ear. I told the seniors about Modi and Jeanne. I think I saw some of them cry."

Dean grins at him proudly. "I told you they'd love you."

"I don't need them to love me. I need them not to hate me. You love me and that's enough."

Dean's smile turns even brighter.

* * *

 

January 24, 7pm. It’s his birthday and he's stuck here in the office. Cas wanted to take him on a trip for his birthday, but they were both so busy they agreed to cancel it. Dean is drowning in paperwork these days and Cas is still getting used to his new job. To be honest he thinks Cas is a bit too meticulous about the lesson planning and preparations. He hardly ever comes home before six, even though his last period ends around three. He just hopes everything will settle down soon otherwise they're going to turn into strangers sharing a house... And a bed but not in the fun sense.

He finally shuts the last folder, well the last for today, and throws it on the pile on his desk when his phone rings.

He starts to talk without even letting Cas greet him.

"Hey, baby, I'm so sorry. I just finished. I'll be home in half an hour, I promise."

"Is there anyone in the office or are you alone?" comes the husky voice that always sends shivers up his spine.

"I'm alone. Everybody's left already," he answers hesitantly.

"Good. Open the door."

"'kay," Dean breathes out and walks through the small entrance hall to the front door of the office. It feels like sleepwalking. He opens the door and sees Cas standing there in that hideous trench coat of his. He isn't able to say a word before Cas pushes him back inside.

Cas kicks the door shut behind them, then keeps pushing Dean towards his desk. Dean doesn't protest, he doesn't even ask why is Cas here. He's speechless, too surprised, too fascinated by the wild look in Castiel's eyes. As Dean walks backwards, lead by Cas' hand on his chest, trusting that Cas won't let him walk into furniture, he vaguely notices an odd sound. It's a regular clicking, almost like high heels, but that's nonsense, no one here is wearing...

He's pushed into his chair and as he looks up Cas sheds his coat.

Dean's mind seizes up, probably due to all the blood that rushes to his lower body. Castiel is wearing high heels. He's wearing stilettos, stockings, and a garter belt and nothing else. It's They're all in black, adorned with delicate lace.

Dean's jaw drops as his eyes roam over Castiel's muscled body which makes an exciting contrast with the lingerie.

When his eyes finally find Castiel's face, the man gives him a wicked smile.

"Happy birthday, Dean." His voice is deep and husky and Dean wonders how is it's possible that Cas makes him so aroused, without even touching him.

Dean is still trying to process what's happening when Cas climbs into his lap and starts loosening his tie.

"Cas, you're incredible," he breathes out.

"I know," Cas mumbles and uses the tie to pull Dean into a kiss. It's hot and messy, all tongues and teeth and desperate gasps for breath.

Dean lets his hands wander over Castiel's body, relishing the feel of the delicate material in combination with Cas' skin.

"One day, you'll give me a heart attack," Dean remarks while watching Cas open his pants.

"Undoubtedly. But today's not that day. You're still young enough to handle this."

"Not sure about that, but I'm willing to take the risk." He grabs Cas' hips and pulls him closer, grinding their crotches together. Cas takes it as encouragement to start rolling his hips, rubbing his hard cock against the bulge in Dean's underwear.

Dean throws his head back with a loud moan. He rubs Cas' ass cheeks, then slides gentle fingers between them.

"Cas!" he gasps when he finds the base of a butt plug.

"I didn't want to waste a single minute," Cas whispers into Dean's ear. "In case someone comes in," he adds after sucking a mark on Dean's neck.

"Is there a possibility of someone walking in on us?"

Dean hesitates. "Yes," he lies. Everybody went home and they're not coming back, but he likes the thrill that comes with the idea of someone seeing them like this.

"Then we better hurry."

Cas practically tears Dean's shirt open, making a delighted sound when he finds out that he's not wearing an undershirt. He bites on Dean's nipple a bit harder than he should. Dean hisses in pain and tugs at the hair on the back of Castiel's head, pulling him in for a ferocious kiss. Their lips barely part, they share ragged breaths. Dean pulls the plug halfway out and pushes it back in, eliciting a loud moan out of Castiel. He feels Cas' cock pressed between their bellies, getting even harder as he repeats the motion.

"Dean," Castiel growls and it's equal parts pleading and commanding.

Rubbing Castiel's back with his free hand, Dean pulls the plug out and places it on the table. Cas hisses at the loss and shivers in Dean's arms.

There's a moment of desperate fumbling as they try to get Dean out of his pants while maintaining as much physical contact as possible.

Then Cas pushes Dean back into his seat so forcefully the back of the chair hits the wall. He climbs into Dean's lap and quickly slicks him up with spit. Then he finally sinks himself onto Dean and they gasp in unison. With their eyes locked Cas lets out a long breath and lowers himself, taking Dean even deeper. His lover wraps his arms around him and Cas rests his head on Dean's shoulder. They stay like this for a long moment, not moving, breathing each other in. Their hearts beating hard so close to each other.

Dean feels a bit dizzy, his whole world seems to be reduced to this room, this moment, the center of his focus being the point where they're connected. He feels the bond between them through the physical connection. As much as their contact sends sparks of pleasure through his body, it touches the strings in his heart and makes them sing.

He cards his fingers through Cas' hair and with a deep sigh tries to let out the feelings that threaten to overwhelm him.

When Cas finally lifts his head, it's with a wicked grin. He places his hands on Dean's shoulders and starts to rock his hips. Dean's eyes flutter shut as guttural sounds form in the back of his throat. He grabs Cas' hips, thumbs stroking the lace of the lingerie and the skin under. In this position he has no other option than simply take what Cas decides to give him. Cas is totally in charge, riding him hard and fast.

Dean whispers words of praise between pants and kisses. He wraps his fingers around Cas' hardness and starts to stroke him. Cas makes a needy sound, for a moment not sure if he wants to fuck himself on Dean's cock or thrust into his fist. He soon finds his rhythm again. Dean can't tear his eyes from Cas' face. His pupils are blown, hair mussed, lips kiss-swollen. He's the most beautiful thing that Dean’s ever seen.

The low growl that escapes Cas' mouth tells him he's close. He runs his free hand up Cas' back, smearing the beads of perspiration that form around his spine. He slides his fingers into Cas' hair and pulls him in for a kiss. He feels Cas' body tense up and clench around him. He swallows Castiel's moans as his orgasm rips through him. Cas doesn't stop rocking his hips even after he comes, hot and sticky over Dean's hand and stomach. Dean wraps his arms tightly around Cas and buries his face in the crook of his shoulder. He lets the pleasure overwhelm him and with a muted cry topples over the edge.

"Happy birthday, Dean," Cas say when they've come down from their highs. Dean chuckles and nibbles at his jaw.

"You're the best birthday gift ever." Cas smiles a bit drowsily and Dean kisses him hard on the lips.

They clean up and get dressed, giggling like teenagers, adrenaline still flowing through their veins. They leave the office hand in hand and get into the car.

"What?" Cas asks when Dean grins at him, eyes sparkling with an idea.

"I can enjoy my gift once more, right?"

Cas smirks and shifts at his seat. "Yeah I can go for another round."

Dean hums happily and starts the engine.

 

"You missed the turn," Cas informs him with a frown. Dean smiles and shrugs a shoulder.

Cas doesn't say anything but he keeps frowning until Dean turn off on a forest road and stops the car.

"I know this place," he says after looking around.

"Yeah," Dean nods. "I took you here when... I think I was in my sophomore year of college."

Cas' eyes brighten with recollection. "And we smoked weed!"

"Yeah the first and only time we got high together."

"Geez," Cas breaths out, leaning his head back. "I almost forgot."

"Yeah I didn't. You know every time I wanted to take a girl here I remembered you and I couldn't."

Cas turns his head to look at Dean. "I wanted to bang you so bad," he admits.

"Really?" Dean chokes out. It's still weird for him to think of Cas being in love with him all that time, when he didn’t have a clue.

"Yes. I vaguely remember trying to touch your thigh, but you didn't notice."

Dean huffs out a laugh that is cut off by Cas pressing their mouths together. The kiss turns heated pretty fast and when Dean's wandering hands slip under Cas' coat rememberingwhat  Cas is wearing, he groans. "Back seat. Now."

Cas chuckles, but obliges. Dean gets out of the car and walks around to watch Cas sprawl on the back seat. He lets his coat fall open and Dean's breath hitches, Cas looks like the embodiment of sin. Dean crawls on top of him, kissing his naked stomach.

"Cold," Cas breathes out. Dean makes a disgruntled noise and turns around to shut the door. He hits the ceiling with his head and bumps his elbow against the front seat, which sets Cas into a giggling fit. Dean curses under his breath as he tries to find a comfortable position between Cas' legs and get out of his pants at the same time. It only makes Cas laugh more. But then Dean leans down to kiss him and Cas wraps his smooth nylon clad legs around Dean's waist and everything stills.

Dean tries to take it slow, but it's hard when Cas growls things like : "Fuck me like you mean it, Winchester," into his ear. The way Cas' fingers dig into his shoulders and the heels of his stilettos scratch the back of his thighs doesn't help his self control either.

It's much harder than he intended and over much faster than he wants, but Cas doesn't seem to mind. He came a few moments before Dean, his body becoming lax. He lets out a contented sound when Dean slowly pulls away and kisses the calf of the leg propped against the headrest.

"Stay here, I'll drive us home." Cas hums and curls on the seat as Dean leaves the car.

His nerves thrum with pleasant energy as he drives home, soft rock playing on the radio, Cas napping on the backseat.

When they arrive, he helps his sleepy lover out of the car.

"Wait," Cas hisses after a few steps.

"What are you doing?" Dean asks concerned, when Cas leans against him and starts to take off his shoes.

"These shoes are hell. I'm not taking another step in them."

"But you can't walk barefoot, it's January!"

"I don't care, Dean. It's just a few steps anyway," Cas grumbles as he takes off the other shoe.

Dean shakes his head. "I can't let you do that."

Cas lets out a surprised yelp as Dean lifts him up bridal style.

"Dean! Put me down!"

"No."

Cas huffs out, resigned, and wraps his arms around Dean's neck, leaning his chin on Dean's shoulder.

"You deserve a bath and a foot rub," Dean says as he puts Cas down in the hallway.

"No, Dean. It's your birthday. I should be taking care of you, not the other way round," Cas protests.

Dean smiles and presses a soft kiss to Cas' forehead. "You already did, Cas. Besides I enjoy taking care of you."

"Hmm." Cas nuzzles at Dean's neck. "A bath and foot rub does sound good."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Best cookies ever recipe](http://buddingbaketress.blogspot.cz/2013/04/brown-butter-bourbon-chocolate-chip.html)


	19. SECOND YEAR FIFTH MONTH

"Oh no!"  
Dean hurries to the kitchen to see what made Cas sound so desperate.  
"What's wrong?"  
"The cake! Dean, the cake went sour."  
Dean's shoulders slump as he sighs and steps closer. He tastes the whipped cream and frowns.  
"Son of a bitch. How could that happen? The cake was in a fridge the whole time."  
"What are we going to do, Dean? We can't give this to the guests and you can't have a birthday party without a cake!"  
Dean puts a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Don't panic. I'll call Sam, get him to buy another cake on the way here."  
Cas takes a deep breath and nods. "Alright. But it's such a pity. This one was shaped like a monkey, Ben loves monkeys."  
"Yeah I know, I know." Dean pinches the bridge of his nose.  
"You know what?" he raises his head, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "Ben always makes a mess with whatever food we give him. He loves it but we always scold him for doing it. We can let him do whatever he wants with the bad cake and eat the good cake. He’s gonna love it and it'll be fun."  
Cas cocks his head. "It could result in very cute photos, but are we sure we want to let him play with spoiled food?"  
"Come on, it's not disgusting, It just doesn't taste good, so he's not gonna eat it."  
"Okay. He's your son. If something goes wrong, you're the one cleaning poop."  
Dean snorts and pulls Cas into his arms. "Come on, you said you dont mind changing diapers."  
"I don't. Unless you feed him something risky."  
Dean shakes his head. "It'll be fine, you'll see."

They use an old table cloth to cover the crime scene and put the monkey cake on it. They bring in little Ben, who looks a bit nervous because of all his relatives grinning and pointing their cameras at him.  
"Come on, big boy, it's all yours," Dean cheers him up, kneeling beside the cake.  
Ben scrunches his little face and turns away from the cake. He hugs Castiel's leg, hiding his face.  
His audience - Jo, Ellen and Bobby, Sam, Sarah and Anna - all laugh.  
"You'll give the poor little guy stage fright," Bobby grunts, "Hovering over him like a bunch of reapers. Come on, let's sit down, get on his level," he suggests and sits on the floor.  
"Since when do you know anything about kids?" Jo asks with a smile as she follows suit.  
Bobby frowns at her. "I had a dog once. It's the same."  
The laughter makes Ben curious, he looks around and when he sees his family sitting on the floor, he risks a few steps across the room to stumble into Ellen's arms.  
"Oh my pretty boy, you don't wanna play with your cake? Look, It's a monkey. I heard you love monkeys." She slowly leads him by hand to the cake.  
"Ma-ki!" he pipes.  
"Yes, it's a monkey! Shall we play with it?" Ben looks at her, then at the cake and back at her.  
"I think the kid simply has more reason than his parents," says Jo and throws confetti at Anna who points her camera at her. The blond girl squeals and hides her face.  
At the same moment Ben drops on his knees and plunge both his hands into the cake.  
Dean and Sam cheer while Cas snaps as many photos as he can.  
Ben raises his dirty hand and shakes it, sending dark splotches all around. He gurgles and takes a fistful of the chocolate cream, squeezes it and watches how it runs between his chubby fingers.  
Encouraged by his uncles and aunties, he destroys the cake and he looks really happy until he sees the mess he made of his pretty new shirt. He freezes. The adults in the room hold their breaths. Dean reaches for him as Ben sniffs, but it's too late, he bursts into tears.  
"Such healthy lungs," Bobby remarks as Ben roars like a tiny lion.  
Dean scoops the crying kid into his arms. "Oh no no, don't cry. Let's change your clothes, alright?" 

When they return, Ben is showered with presents and attention so he soon forgets about the trap his family set on him.

"He's totally worn out, but I think he enjoyed it," Dean whispers as he straightens himself over the crib.  
"Sure he did." Cas wraps his arms around Dean's waist. "I'm glad he likes the bee," he adds as he looks at the toddler nuzzling the stuffed toy in his sleep.  
Dean chuckles softly. "Yeah. Me too, you nerd." He shakes his head. "I still think the idea of plush honey bee is ridiculous."  
"It's cute," Cas protests. "And he needs to learn that bees are friends if we're going to have hives in our garden."  
"That's true.“ Dean mutters and turns in Cas' arms so he can kiss the corner of his lips.  
"Hey, show me the photos you took today."

They set up the baby monitor and leave to the bedroom.  
Comfortably settled side by side against the headboard of their bed, they go through the photos.  
"Oh yeah, this one is the best!" Dean holds up the one where Cas managed to catch the exact moment when Ben realized what happened. The shock in his little face is adorable.  
Cas snatches the photo from his fingers and chuckles. "He's going to hate us for this."   
"Well, if it's the biggest reason I ever give him to hate me, I'll be a happy man."  
Cas nods, then points at another picture. "This one is lovely, we should get it framed."  
Dean's face lights up with a warm smile as he looks at the picture of himself holding Ben in his arms. The kid is holding a pink daisy he got from Anna. With a focused expression he's pushing the bloom into Cas' face so it covers his nose.  
"It's beautiful," he sighs and kisses the top of Cas' head, his heart is swelling with love.  
"He loves both his daddies."  
Castiel frowns and turns his head to look at him. "You shouldn't call me his daddy."  
"Why? You prefer papa?"  
"No. Look, Dean, I know that Lisa accepts that we live together and that I'm a part of Ben's life, but that doesn't make me his parent."  
It's Dean's turn to frown. "Yes it does, Cas. You take care of him, you pay for his things, you love him. That makes you his family. Only if you want to of course."  
Cas shakes his head with a sigh. "Of course I want to, Dean, just... you know what? Let him decide. If he starts to call me daddy or papa when he's older, fine. It will make me inexplicably happy. But we won't push him, alright?"  
"Sounds right," Dean nods, but Cas can see him setting his jaw defiantly. The silence that settles is uncomfortable and it takes only a few heartbeats before Cas snaps.  
"Dean, if you have something to say, say it."  
"Maybe we should adopt."  
"What?"  
"A baby obviously. Our own child. So we would both be parents."  
Cas stares at him for a moment, then he lets out a sigh.  
"I don't think it's a good idea."  
The look of disappointment on Dean's face and the way his shoulders slump sends a pang of pain through Cas' chest.  
He shifts on the bed so he kneels in front of Dean. He cups his face in his palm and makes him look up.   
"Dean, I really love what we have now. I enjoy taking care of Ben. But to be honest I like being just a part-time parent. And I don't think we could manage to be more. I just got a new job and it’s not certain how long I’ll keep it. You just recovered from a serious illness. We're not financially secure enough to have another baby. Ben is still too small, we have our hands full when he stays with us. We're not ready."  
Dean nods, avoiding his eyes.  
"It doesn't mean I wouldn't like to have a baby with you. At some point. Just not yet."  
Dean's eyes finally meet his. "I just wanted to know if it's even an option."  
Cas smiles softly. "It's definitely an option, Dean."  
Dean lets out a shaky breath, then he leans in for a slow kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you think the cake was a bad idea, it wasn't me who came up with it, but my parens. There are photos of a very upset 1yo me in a pretty pink dress stained with chocolate to prove it.


	20. SECOND YEAR SIXTH MONTH

It's Saturday, sunny and warm for February. Cas comes in from his morning run and heads straight to the bathroom. When he sees the bedroom door open, he decides to go in and say hi to Dean, who was sleeping when Cas left.

"Hello, Dean." He greets, then freezes, his eyes skim the room. Dean's sitting on the floor looking up at Cas with a guilty expression. There are envelopes scattered around him. Cas recognizes them as his letters. The leather bag they belong in is laying near Dean's knee.

 "What...?" he chokes out, unable to say more. His heart is beating faster than a few minutes ago when he was running.

These letters are filled with his most private thoughts, they aren't meant for anyone else to see. Not even Dean.

Dean jumps to his feet and takes a step towards Cas, but Castiel steps back, wide eyes glued to the sheet of paper in Dean's hand.

"Cas, I'm sorry, I didn't want to..."

"But you did," Cas breaths out, finally forcing himself to look at Dean's face.

"You violated my privacy."

The guilt in Dean's eyes deepens. If Cas wasn't so hurt and angry, he would feel the need to cup Dean's cheek in his palm and comfort him.

"I was dusting and I knocked the bag down and the letters fell out. It was an accident!"

"You didn't have to read them. Was that an accident too?"

Dean drops his eyes to the floor and shakes his head.

"I'm sorry," he says softly, almost a whisper. It makes Cas' heart lurch. He knows Dean honestly regrets what he’s done.

"I didn't want to read them, I was putting them back when I... I found this."

He holds up the letter he's holding. His eyes bore into Cas.

"You told me you'd never written one for me." His voice isn't accusing. He sounds moved. Cas feels his anger and hurt slowly dissipating.

"That was true before I left."

Dean nods and lets out a shaky breath. Looking at the letter, his eyes skim over the words. Something tells Cas he doesn't have to read them, he knows them by heart now. So does he.

 

_Sometimes I miss you. I miss how you used to know me better than I did. I miss that I didn't need to say anything and you knew what I was thinking. I miss our late night talks and our stupid private jokes. I miss you when I'm making my coffee, because I still remember how you like yours._

_Sometimes I wish I could just hold you tight in my arms again. Then I imagine how much I would want to run my fingers through your hair, to kiss and taste and bite the delicate skin of your neck. I know I would crave to touch you, to have you, to possess every bit and piece of you._

_But I know I can't have any of this. I know I would destroy everything if I tried. I can't selfishly risk your happiness. I know it's better off this way._

_I'm not allowed to love you, but I can't just be your friend anymore. I'm sorry, Dean, I'm so sorry._

"Did you really feel like this?" Dean asks in a small voice.

Cas can't stop himself from taking a step closer, his instinct telling him to comfort his beloved.

"Yes. From the day I left 'til the day I met you in the bar. It was torturous. Every time I felt an urge to come back, I read this letter. It helped remind me why I had to leave."

Dean looks up and this time his eyes are brimming with tears. When he speaks his voice sounds strangled.

"When did you... why did you decide to leave. What was the last straw?"

 

Cas runs his hand through his damp hair and sits on the edge of the bed. He's still in his sweaty running clothes, but his shower will have to wait.

He thought he wouldn't remember, he didn't want to remember, but now when he focuses, everything comes back sharp and bright.

 

_He was sitting on the roof of the high school gym. Dean had shown him this place years ago and ever since Cas went there when he was in need of peace. It was his sanctuary. That day he was there because of another huge fight with his mother and Zachariah. He'd graduated from college two months ago and was looking for a job, which his family took as an opportunity to give  life advice he didn't want to hear. They fought almost every day, because they didn't approve of any of his choices. He had been tired of fighting so he'd come here to watch the sunset._

_His heart skipped the beat when he heard the old rusty ladder rattle. Then he saw Dean's spiky hair, ginger in the light of setting sun and a moment later his freckled face, green eyes shining._

_"Hey buddy, had a rough day?" Dean asked as he climbed on the rooftop and sat next to Cas._

_Cas didn't answer, frowning instead. "How did you know I would be here?"_

_"Zachariah called that you ran away and they couldn't find you."_

_Cas shook his head, exasperated. "He hates you, but isn't ashamed to call you when he needs something."_

_"Yeah, because he knows I'm the only one who knows all your hiding places." Dean nudged Cas' shoulder with his. The swell of emotion Cas felt made him hate himself. It was so hard not to wrap his arms around Dean's neck. Not to kiss his plump lips, to run fingers through his hair. He'd always felt like that but these days it was nearly unbearable words tear at his heart._

_"Yeah. I cancelled it when I got the phone call."_

_"Dean! You shouldn't have! It was important for you and for Lisa."_

_"Weren't you supposed to meet Lisa's parents tonight?" He asked and felt his own words tear at his heart._

_Dean rubbed the back of his neck self-consciously._

_"Well, I might've kinda used you as an excuse. I was really nervous about it."_

_Cas nodded and hummed compassionately, ignoring the storm of emotions raging in his chest._

_"It's serious, isn't it?"_

_"Pretty serious. It's terrifying." He stopped fidgeting with his shoelaces and looked up at Cas._

_"But I think she might be the one."_

Cas' voice trails off. He wonders if Dean remembers that day. He's been listening with his head bowed. When Cas doesn't continue, he looks up.

"So you were jealous of Lisa."

Castiel shakes his head, than looks down at his fidgeting hands.

"Well, partly. It hurt to see you with her, but I was happy for you two and it was stronger than jealousy. That day I realized I was holding you back, that you would always put me before yourself, take care of me instead of living your life. I wanted you to be happy with Lisa."

Dean shakes his head and runs his fingers through his hair.

"We almost broke up after you left, you know? I was so upset, desperate, obsessed with finding you. You didn't leave a note, didn't take your phone with you, didn't answer my emails. For fuck's sake, Cas, you could've been dead for all I knew!"

Cas springs to his feet and crosses the space that separates them.

"I'm sorry, Dean, I'm so sorry."

"Why couldn't you just tell me? Not the real reason, but you could have told me that you were leaving. You could've come up with some explanation about finding yourself or whatever."

"Even if you had let me go you would've tried to stay in touch. You would've checked on me, phone calls, texts. I didn't want that, that wouldn't have solved anything. I needed to erase you from my life."

Dean takes in a ragged breath, not looking at Cas.

"I know it sounds harsh but... you need to understand that it was unbearable for me. I wanted something I thought you couldn't give me. My whole body ached with need when I was with you. All I could focus on was how much I wanted to touch you."

He sighs and cups Dean's cheek in his palm stroking his cheekbone gently. "I still feel like that when I'm around you, but now that I'm allowed to touch you, it's not such a huge problem."

Dean squeezes his eyes shut and leans into the touch.

"I'm sorry, Dean. I know it was selfish and cowardly of me to flee like that. I should have dealt with the situation better. I didn't realize how much it would hurt you. You have every right to be angry at me, to never forgive me."

Dean's eyes snap open. "No," he breathes out. He straightens up, taking Cas' hands into his.

"I'm not angry at you, Cas. I used to be. When you left... And then again when we got together. I was angry because I thought that if you had told me, we'd have had all this much earlier and that I wouldn't have cheated on Lisa."

Cas bows his head, biting his lower lip to keep it from trembling. Dean is right. They wasted so much time and made such a mess because he was a _sissy_.

Dean gently tilts his chin up to make him look at his eyes. His voice is soft when he speaks.

"But I realized that's bullshit. If you'd told me then it wouldn't have ended up the same. I was someone different. I was still trying to please my asshole of a father, even though he was dead, which meant marrying a nice girl and having kids. I wouldn't have admitted that I was anything but straight."

He has to pause to swallow around the lump in his throat.

"I don't want to throw any hippie bullshit at you, that's Sam's thing, but it seems to me like some things need the right time to happen. I had to grow up, to learn. All the crap I went through made me the guy who kissed you, when you told him you were always in love with him."

A small smile appears on Dean's lips and Cas feels his heart lurch.

Dean leans closer, his smile growing wider, his voice low. "If you hadn't left we wouldn't have gotten together, and I'm happy we did. So I'm not angry, and you should forgive yourself too."

Cas lets out a shaky breath. He shuts his eyes as Dean presses a soft kiss to his forehead.

A soft laugh bubbles from Cas' chest when he feels a stray tear run down his cheek.


	21. SECOND YEAR, SEVENTH MONTH

A day spent with Ben at zoo was exactly what they needed after a hard week. They're both so relaxed and happy they can't stop beaming. That's until they get to Lisa's house to drop Ben off and an unfamiliar man answers the door.

"Hello, big boy," he reaches his arms towards Ben in Dean´s arms.

Dean straightens his. "Who the hell are you?"

The child points at the man and makes a sound which might be his own version of the man's name.

"Dean, this is Matt." Lisa says, appearing at the man's back.

"Nice to meet you, Dean," Matt offers his hand but Dean just stares at it like it's a deadly weapon.

 "He's living here?" he barks looking up at Lisa, clutching the squirming child to his chest.

Lisa exchanges a warm smile with her new boyfriend. "Not yet, but he's moving in soon."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Dean asks through gritted teeth.

Lisa's eyes narrow. "Why would I, Dean? I have no obligation to tell you who I'm seeing."

"I have a right to know who my son socializes with!"

Dean's harsh tone startles Ben and he starts crying. Lisa takes him from Dean's arms and kisses his wet cheeks. A few wet sobs later he calms down and Lisa turns to Matt, but before she hands the child to him, Dean steps closer and pushes the man back.

"No fucking way! You're not touching my child!"

"Dean," Cas pipes up, stepping closer to place a hand on Dean's shoulder. Dean ignores him, to busy having a staring contest with Matt.

"I don't know him. He could be a criminal for all I know!"

"I'm a doctor," Matt answers calmly and Cas can see the muscle in Dean's jaw jump. He's a few words away from throwing punches. Cas tightens his grip on his shoulder in an attempt to anchor him.

"You need to calm down, Dean," Lisa sighs, rocking Ben on her hip.

Dean jerks his head to look at her. "I'm not gonna calm down! I have a right to be pissed! You should have told me that a strange guy is taking care of my baby!"

"Dean, you're right. We should have met sooner." Matt's deep voice interrupts Dean's fuming. "But I don't see a reason to freak out. Lisa certainly doesn't have a problem  with your boyfriend taking care of Ben."

"Because she knows him!" Dean barks. The way they're talking about him like he isn't present makes Cas uncomfortable, but he doesn't have much time to think about it because right then Lisa loses her temper.

"Yes, Dean, I know him because I caught you cheating on me with him!"

Everything stills for a moment. Even Ben stops babbling and waits for what's going to happen between the adults.

"So that's what this is about?" Dean hisses. "Some kind of revenge?"

Lisa throws her head back and sighs.

"For God's sake, Dean! This isn't about you! I'm just trying to carry on with my life!" She continues before Dean has a chance to react. "What did you expect, Dean? That I'd stay alone forever, crying for my husband who left me for his best friend?"

Dean seems to deflate a little. "Lisa I-"

She cuts him off by raising a hand. "I'm not angry at you. I accepted your choice to live with Castiel and I agreed to share custody. I expect you to give me the same respect. Until you're able to do that, we have nothing to talk about." With that she heads into the house taking Ben with her.

Matt nods his goodbye and shuts the door behind them.

Dean gapes at the door for a moment, before he spits out: "Son of a bitch."

"Let's go home," Cas mumbles, tugging at Dean's sleeve. Dean follows him to the car but the moment he sits behind the wheel he huffs out angrily.

"Can you believe that? Don't tell me she didn't do that on purpose! She probably wanted me to meet him like this to piss me off! She pretends that she's cool with this, but she's still pissed at me."

Castiel doesn't react, he stares out of the window. Dean doesn't actually seem to need his reaction, he's content with leading a monologue. He goes on and on the whole way home.

"And the guy was such a douchebag! I'm a doctor! Well, congrats, you asshole, you don't need to rub it into my face. Do you think she's with him because of money? I bet she is."

Castiel eventually looks at him when they finally park in front of their house.

"Will you shut your mouth?" he growls and gets off the car.

"Hey!" Dean shouts at him as he hurries to follow him to the front door. "What the hell, Cas? Are you angry with me?"

"Yes." Cas hisses shrugging his coat off.

"Why?"

"Because you're acting like an idiot, that's why." He slams the door shut, making Dean start.

"So you're on their side?"

"I'm on no one's side, Dean. I just think you're being irrational and an asshole to people who haven't done anything to you."

"So maybe I overreacted a bit. But I was angry that she didn't tell me! What's so bad about wanting to know who my son spends time with?"

Castiel shakes his head. "That's not what it was about."

"So what you think it was about?"

"I think you didn't realize choosing me meant giving Lisa up for good."

Dean stares at him with wide eyes.

"She's the mother of my child. I can't stop giving a damn about her."

"To care about someone and to be jealous of them are two different things."

"So you think I'm jealous? And that's why you're mad at me?" There's something mocking in his voice which makes Cas lose his temper.

Dean yelps in surprise as he's pushed against the wall, Cas' hand gripping the front of his shirt. Castiel's face is so close to Dean's that he can feel his hot breath. It would be arousing if not for the sparks of anger in Cas' eyes.

"I was sharing you with her long enough," he growls, pressing himself even closer to Dean, who's breath hitches as a shiver runs up his spine.

"I was happy it was finally over, but now you have to throw a tantrum because of her."

Dean lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding and squeezes his eyes shut. He feels the warmth radiating from Cas' body. He's strong and firm holding Dean in place. Were it anyone else Dean would react like a cornered animal. But Cas' strength doesn't threaten him, it makes him feel safe, it makes his walls crumble.

The realization that Cas might be right and he might be jealous of his ex wife's boyfriend washes over him and he slumps against the wall.

"You can't have both of us." Cas' lips are brushing over the shell of Dean's ear, his voice is lower, but not any gentler.

"You chose me. You're mine. I want you to be mine." There's a tone of desperation in his voice and Dean can't fight back the whine that escapes his throat.

"I am." It isn't more than a breath, but Cas must have heard it because he's pressing his lips to Dean's, hard and possessive.

Dean's hands fly up to wind around Cas' neck, but the shorter man catches his wrists and pins them to the wall.

Dean moans into Cas' mouth and pushes his hips off the wall trying to get closer to Cas who breaks the kiss.

"Say it again," Cas orders, voice breathy. He steps closer allowing Dean to grind on him.

"I'm yours. Just yours. Cas, I'm so sorry I-" Castiel cuts him off with another kiss, softer, sweeter. He doesn't let go of Dean's hands but he intertwines their fingers.

Dean lets out a needy sound and rocks his hips, shamelessly begging for more without words.

He feels the bulge in Cas' pants pressed against his thigh and it makes him shudder.

"Please, Cas, please," he breathes out, throwing his head back.

"What do you want?" Castiel whispers, taking advantage of Dean's bared throat and sucking a dark mark into the soft skin. The possessive gesture makes Dean groan. He has to grab Cas' shoulders to steady himself, he feels his knees going weak.

"Take me, Cas, please, I need you to take me."

It's Castiel's turn to make a desperate sound that he hides into the crook of Dean's shoulder. Dean's words make his blood boil.

He pulls away and steps back, deciding they need to move to the bed right now. Then thinks that actually, the couch is good enough.

He starts a little when Dean's grip on his shoulders tightens and he yanks him closer.

"Here," he growls. "Take me here. Now."

Castiel stares at him, taken aback.

"Dean, but we don't have-" he tries to object weakly, but Dean cuts him off.

"I don't care. I don't fucking care. Just fuck me, Cas."

There's no way Castiel could refuse him anything when he looks at him with eyes wide and dark with lust, and his voice is desperate and full of passion at the same time.

He finally snaps out of his shock when Dean reaches for the buckle of his belt and tugs at it angrily. He bats his hands away and almost laughs at the defiant look Dean shoots him.

"Turn around," he orders, surprised how husky his voice sounds. Dean notices too, judging by the way his features soften and he licks his lips.

He turns to face the wall and Cas helps him take off his jacket. While Dean's fumbling with his own pants, Castiel looks around. There must be something he can use to... make things go smooth. He gets that Dean wants it rough but there's no way he's going to hurt him.

He smirks as his eyes fall to the bag Dean dropped before. It's where they have Ben's things, and there must be some baby oil.

In The moment he crouches next to the bag he hears Dean moan his name impatiently. He looks up and immediately regrets it, the sight that awaits him makes it so much harder to focus on anything.

Dean is leaning his forearms and head against the wall, his pants and underwear around his ankles.

Castiel swallows and opens the bag as fast as he can.

"I'll be right back, baby," he promises and grins widely as he finds the small bottle of bright blue oil.

"I'm here," he whispers into Dean's ear when he returns to him. He sucks another mark to the back of Dean's neck, wrapping his arms around him, hugging him from behind. Dean sighs contently and rolls his hips, teasing Castiel to get him to finally do something. Castiel's hands slide down Dean's sides, rub his hips and his asscheeks. Then after a short pause that feels like eternity for Dean, he slips his slick fingers down the crease of Dean's ass. Dean hisses and bucks his hips.

"Cas, come on!" he urges. He bows his head and lets out a satisfied sound as Cas pushes two fingers in.

"Yes, that's it, Cas. Gimme more."

Castiel grabs Dean's shoulder and rubs small circles with his thumb to make his impatient lover relax a bit while he quickly works him open.

By the time he finally unbuttons his pants and slicks his cock with the oil, he's painfully hard and just as impatient as Dean, turned on by how demanding Dean is. Dean bends over and braces himself against the wall as he feels the other man's hand on his hip.

The sound he makes when Cas enters him is downright pornographic. As he finally gets what he wants, the bossiness drains away, he relaxes and becomes pliant under Castiel's hands. One of them slides under his shirt and the other one wraps around his cock.

"Mine," Castiel whispers hotly against the back of Dean's neck and repeats it over and over again with every other thrust. Dean answers him with soft moans and chocked out "yours".

With Cas stroking his cock, it doesn't take long for Dean to get close. He's fucking into Castiel's fist, chasing release. Hands clenched into fists on the wall, forehead pressed against them.

He makes a sound like a wounded animal when Cas pulls out all of sudden. He wants to protest, but his breath hitches in his lungs as Cas grabs his shoulder and turns him around. He pins him to the wall with his body, kissing him sloppily. The kiss is hard with too much teeth, it leaves Dean's lips wet and tingly.

He gasps as his lover lifts him up. He wraps his legs and arms around him, holding on for dear life.

"Oh shit," he mutters. This can't work, but Cas' strong arms are holding him securely and his cock slides back into Dean's open hole and it's actually all pretty hot. Dean loves the possessiveness of it, he doesn't need Cas to whisper into his ear that Dean's his. The way he's holding him up against the wall, literally stealing the solid ground from underneath his feet and the way he fucks the ever loving shit out of him is enough of a reassurance.

"Dean," Castiel growls through gritted teeth. "Come for me, baby."

Dean hesitates, but then he dares to let go of Cas' shoulder with one hand and starts to stroke himself. A few quick strokes is enough to make him come, throwing his head back, heels digging into the back of Cas' thighs. The orgasm rips through him raw and violent, making him feel like he would snap in two if Castiel wasn't holding him. When he comes back to his senses, realizing what's up and what's down, Cas is still pounding into him mercilessly.

Just when he gets oversensitive, the pleasure turning into pain, he feels Castiel's cock pulse  deep inside his body, flooding it with warmth. Dean tightens his grip on him and nuzzles at his neck, then sucks a mark of his own.

He feels Castiel's whole body becoming softer. With a sigh he withdraws and helps Dean get on his feet.

It's harder than he expected, his legs have turned to jello and he has to cling to Cas to stay upright. But it's okay, because Cas is here and he won't let him fall. Cas kisses him, deep and slow, then pulls him into a hug. Dean leans his head on his shoulder and sighs contently. He feels spent, used, but in a good way. He loves the feeling that someone took everything he was willing to give.

Before he even realizes he's moving, they're halfway to the couch. Castiel lays him down and wraps a blanket around him.

"I'll be right back."

Dean hums in reply and nuzzles at a cushion. His body starts telling him why this wasn't the best idea. He tells it to suck it. He'll surely have some aches and pains, but it was totally worth it.

Castiel returns and groaning Dean gets up, only to let Cas sit on the couch so he can lay on top of him. When they finally settle in comfortable position, Cas reaches for a glass of juice he placed on the coffee table and hands it to Dean, who scrunches his nose.

"I'd rather have a beer," he mumbles, but takes the drink.

"I'm not going to support any more of your unhealthy coping mechanisms."

Dean swallows a big gulp of juice, than cranes his neck to pout at Cas.

"What do you mean?"

"Getting your brains fucked out isn't the best way to deal with problems," Castiel says, voice firm but soft, like he's talking to a child.

Dean sighs and finishes his juice, then he rests his head on Cas' chest. Castiel's hand travels up his spine, then pushes into his hair.

"You should talk about it, talk about Lisa."

Dean squeezes his eyes shut and rubs his cheek against the soft fabric of Cas' shirt. He'd rather fall asleep, enjoying the way his body still hums with the afterglow. But he knows Cas will get mad at him if he doesn't talk. He wouldn't say anything, but he'd be silent and give him that look Dean can't stand.

And there's a small part of Dean willing to admit, that he might be right, maybe he really needs to talk about it.

"I just... I think I just wasn't ready to see another guy in my house," he begins. Cas strokes his hair, it's soothing. Maybe talking isn't that bad.

"She should've just told me! Why couldn't she tell me? I wouldn't have acted like a dick if I hadn't been so surprised!"

"I get that. The question is why you care so much?"

Dean takes a deep breath before he continues, bracing himself to face the truth.

"I think I still love her. Maybe it's impossible to unlove someone who never did anything bad to you. So I get she doesn't love me anymore, but I love her. Not like I love you." He adds hurriedly and props himself on his hands, leaning on Cas' chest so he can look him in the face.

"It's not like I want her back, or to be a part of her life, I swear, Cas! I want to be with you, I chose you and I'm gonna stick with that. I love you, you're everything I-"

Cas cuts him off, pressing a finger to his lips. "Shh. I know, baby." He kisses Dean's temple, which calms him down a bit.

"But I care about her and I want her to be happy and safe." He gulps and shakes his head a little, eyes glued to a button on Cas' shirt.

"I know it sounds stupid from the guy who ruined her life but... but maybe that's the reason. I don't want anyone to hurt her like I did. And I don't want Ben to have to get used to a different guy every month."

He looks up, eyes sad, guilty. "Does that make sense?"

Castiel strokes his cheek and nods.

"It does."

Dean sighs in relief and shuts his eyes leaning into the touch of Cas' hand.

"And I think you should talk to them. Both of them. Get to know the guy so you know if Lisa and Ben are in good hands."

Dean nods, he feels even more tired than before.

"We should take a shower and go to bed," Cas suggests rubbing the back of Dean's neck.

"Hmm, what about dinner? I'm hungry."

"We can order pizza. I'm too tired to cook."

A soft smile spreads on Dean's lips. "I'd never believe you could do that." He presses a small kiss to Castiel's biceps.

Cas frowns. "Do what?"

Dean blushes. "You know. Hold me up."

Cas snorts. "Yeah, the fact I'm shorter doesn't mean I can't be stronger."

Dean smirks. "The fact you can fuck me against a wall doesn't mean you're stronger."

"But I am." Castiel answers without batting an eye.

Dean sits up and crosses his arms on his chest.

"No you're not!"

"I am."

"Ok, fine! Let's find out. Let's make a bet!"

"No, I don't want to. You're a sore loser."

"You're afraid of me."

Castiel snorts. "Ok, fine. Let's find out who's stronger." He stands up and offers Dean a hand.

Dean grins at him taking the hand, then yawns.

"You know what? Maybe you were right about the shower and pizza."

Cas' smile is too smug for Dean's liking. "Good boy," he kisses his forehead and hauls him to his feet.


	22. SECOND YEAR EIGHTH MONTH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a bunch of ideas I needed to get off my head before I start with the plot-heavy part and this short cute chapter is what came out of it.

"It's terrible, Cas. The guys mom introduces me to are so boring! I hate it!" Anna groans. When he agreed to help her find a birthday gift for their mother, he didn't realize it meant listening to her whining about her non-existent love life for hours.

"Why are all guys ugly or total assholes? Or gay?" She adds looking at him.

"What about this one?" he hands her a sample of a perfume.

"Am I annoying you, Castiel? I'm sorry, I just... I just don't have anyone to talk about it." She looks like she's going to cry and Castiel panics. He wraps one arm around her shoulders in an awkward half-hug.

"No, no, Anna, you're not annoying me. But I don't think I'm the right person to talk to about these things."

"And who else there is, Cas? You're the only one in functional relationship! When I told Gabriel I didn't have a date for my friend's wedding, he told me he'd give me money for an escort!"

Castiel hides his smile behind his palm, trying to look concerned.

"Look, Anna, I'm sure you'll find the right guy. I'm sure about it."

"But when, Cas? I don't have time to wait. I'm getting old if you haven't noticed."

"Don't be ridiculous, Anna, you're still young and you look amazing."

"Thanks. But you can't fight against the nature and I soon won't be able to have kids."

Castiel frowns, fidgeting with a perfume vial that looks like a little angel.

"I thought you didn't want to have kids."

"Well, maybe I said something like that when I was twenty. I see things differently now. Besides I'm the only one who can give Naomi grandchildren."

"What about Gabe? It's pretty possible there's already a bunch of his offspring running around, we just don't know about them."

Anna chokes on laughter. "Oh I hope not. Imagine Gabriel with an army of little tricksters."

Castiel shakes his head, smiling. "The Apocalypse."

Anna laughs again and Cas feels a wave of relief, glad he's managed to make her smile.

"You know what? Let's get out of here. I'm ready for a coffee and some huge cake that'll make me fat. If I'm going to be single for the rest of my life, I may as well be ugly, right?"

Cas pinches the bridge of his nose. "That was one of the stupidest things you've ever said for many different reasons, you know that?"

Anna sticks out her tongue at him, then grabs his wrist and drags him out of the store and towards the coffee shop.

When they get there, the door opens and Cas notices a familiar face.

"Hello, Doctor Henriksen."

The man nods, probably not remembering who Cas is, there must be a lot of people greeting him. He can't remember all of his patients and their relatives.

But then the doctor's eyes find Anna and he stops in his tracks, turning to Castiel.

"Castiel, right? How is Dean?" he asks.

Surprised, Cas looks at Anna who's staring at the doctor like he's made of gold.

"Uh, he's doing well, thank you."

"I'm glad to hear that," Henriksen says but his eyes dart to Anna. "So uhm, say hi to him from me. Goodbye," the man stutters and leaves with a small wave of his hand.

"Goodbye," Cas mutters, feeling a bit confused and not knowing why.

"Who was that?" Anna bursts out the moment Henriksen is out of sight.

"Victor Henriksen. The doctor who did Dean's surgery."

"Oh my god, he's dreamy," she sighs the last word and throws her head back, pretending she's swooning.

"Is he single? Do you have his phone number?"

"Anna, he's a surgeon who treated my partner, I don't know anything about him."

"Hmm. Such a pitty. Could you imagine how happy mom would be if I brought home a surgeon?"

"You shouldn't care about who'd make mother happy, Anna, but who'd make _you_ happy."

She rolls her eyes. "You know what I meant, Castiel. Come on, I need the cake."

* * *

"Hey, that's not a bad idea!" Dean grins.

"What isn't?"

"Anna and Victor. He's hot as hell and he seems like a good guy. He saves lives."

Castiel scowls at him. "Should I be jealous?"

Dean laughs and leans in to press a soft kiss to the corner of Cas' mouth.

"Definitely not. But I think he'd be a good match for your sister."

Castiel hums thoughtfully. "He seemed like he found her attractive."

Dean throws his head back and laughs.

"Oh my god, it must have been so awkward the two of them making heart eyes at each other and you standing between them like the clueless dumbo you are."

"I'm not clueless, Dean!" he pinches Dean's arm which only makes him laugh harder.

"You are sometimes, admit it."

"No, I'm not, my people skills are perfectly fine and I can be very charming!"

"Of course you can."

"Was that sarcasm?"

Instead of a reply Dean bursts into laughing and flops down on the bed.

Cas grumbles something unintelligible and starts to undress.  Dean stops laughing and rolls to his side to adore his partner's naked form.

"So, do you want to play a matchmaker?" he asks as Cas slips into his light blue pajama pants with a pattern of tiny cartoon bees and daisies.

"I don't know, do you have a plan?" Cas crawls onto the bed and lays on his side facing Dean.

"He's a doctor and she works for charity. It shouldn't be that hard to make them meet again."

"You're right. She might even cooperate. She sounded pretty desperate."

Dean shakes his head in disbelief. "I don't get it. She's beautiful and smart, she should have a line of guys waiting at her door."

"Should I be jealous _now_?"

Dean chuckles and leans closer to Cas. "First: been there done that." It only makes Cas frown deeper, but it doesn't stop Dean from leaning even closer. "Second: no one has a chance to get my attention because I'm totally smitten by a grumpy-" he presses a kiss to Cas' cheek, "and utterly gorgeous-" another kiss on the tip of Castiel's nose "guy," Dean finishes and kisses Cas' lips. The man pulls him closer, making the kiss deeper.

"But to be honest," Dean whispers against Cas' lips, "it's a little bit hot when you're jealous."

Castiel huffs out a laugh and kisses him again, rolling them over so he's on top. He reaches between them and slips his hand into Dean's pants.

"Cold!" Dean squeals, squirming under the touch. "Your hands are like ice!" He shouts half giggling and pushes Cas away.

"I know, that's why I need to warm them," Castiel deadpans in the husky voice of his. He sits on Dean's legs to prevent him from moving and pushes both his hands under the squirming man's shirt.

Dean cries out and breaks into laughter. "You fucker, I'm gonna take you down!" He threatens, trying to wrestle him off.

"You'll suffer for this!"

* * *

 

Dean rolls his eyes when the phone rings and stops the movie they're watching while Cas gets up to answer it.

He perks up a little bit as he hears Castiel saying: "Hi, Anna."

As he listens to his sister his face becomes frustrated. It's clear that Anna is talking about something personal, which always makes Cas nervous. He looks at his boyfriend for help and Dean climbs over the back of the couch to get to him as fast as possible. "Put her on speaker," he mouths.

"Wait, wait, Anna, Dean wants to hear it too. I'll put you on speaker."

A second later, her voice comes from the little speaker of Castiel's phone, which makes her voice sound a bit tinny.

"Hey, Anna, so how was your date with Victor?" Dean asks loudly.

"It was perfect!"

 


	23. SECOND YEAR NINTH MONTH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to send a huge thank you to everyone who still follows this story.  
> This part is a setup for the last big story arch - a bit of pain I want to put these two through before I wrap this up and give them their happy ending.

The high school's changed since Dean’s graduation. There are new lockers, the walls are painted a different color, he passes classrooms that are now filled with computers and other modern equipment. Yet the people seem the same. They may wear different clothes and they have their phones glued to their hands, but they're just trying to survive in the jungle that is high school, just like Dean and his peers did.

He finds the art classroom at the far side of the building. The hallway is empty and the sounds of the high school life are far away. It makes Dean feel like this is some secret place. He knocks on the door even though he knows it should be empty.

When he opens it, he has to blink because of the late afternoon sun coming through the huge windows. When his eyes adjust a moment later, he sees Cas looking up at him from the drawings he’s been going through. He has a soft smile on his face, reading glasses on and is wearing his teacher clothes - blue button up shirt and gray sweater vest. He looks like a wild sexual fantasy come to life.

"Hello, Dean." Cas’ deep voice echoes through the classroom warm and sweet like honey.

"Hey." Dean steps inside and closes the door behind him.

Cas barely manages to put the drawings aside before Dean gets into his personal space.

"You know I never had a crush on a teacher," he says softly, gripping Cas’ hips, pulling him closer.

"Until now," he adds in a whisper, lips merely an inch from Castiel's.

Cas makes a frustrated noise and closes the distance. The kiss is heated, their hands tangle in each other's hair and tug at each other’s clothes.

It’s also Cas who pulls away, breathing heavily.

"Dean," he moans, "we can’t."

Dean, who’s still gripping the front of Cas’ shirt, leans in to whisper to his ear.

"Take me to your supply cabinet, Mr Shurley."

Cas huffs out a laugh, but his cheeks feel hot and there’s a flutter low in his belly.

"I bet you have many interesting things to show me there," Dean continues. He runs his fingers up and down the zipper of Cas’ pants. The other man gasps in surprise at the wave of arousal the soft touch surges in him.

"Dean, if anyone catches us, I could lose my job," he whispers, but he can’t find it in himself to step away from Dean, who’s trailing kisses on his jawline and neck.

"They won’t see us if we’re locked in a supply cabinet." Dean shoots him a bright smile and Cas can’t help but mirror it. He sighs in defeat and grabs Dean’s wrist.

"This is so silly, I can’t believe I’m doing this," he says with a chuckle as he leads Dean to the door in the back of the classroom.

"You’redoingit because it’s exciting. You have to admit the idea of getting caught turns you on."

Castiel doesn’t answer, but when they step in the small dark room, he locks the door and turns to Dean. The kiss is almost like an attack. Dean moans into Cas’ mouth as his back hits a shelf and raises a cloud of dust.

They make out like they haven’t seen each others in months. They go from almost aggressive groping to giggling between soft kisses.

"Dean," Cas breathes out leaning his back against the locked door.

"Shhhh, it’s okay, no one will find us," Dean whispers as he drops to his knees, dealing swiftly with the button and zipper of Cas’ pants.

Cas runs his fingers through Dean’s hair and gasps as the Winchester takes him into his mouth.

He tries not to moan, too afraid he might be heard. He bites his lips and covers his mouth with his palms, because Dean knows him too well and uses every trick he knows will work on him.

Cas comes embarrassingly hard, filling Dean’s mouth and tugging at his hair. He slumps against the door as Dean wipes his lips with the back of his hand and gets on his feet, grinning widely.

Cas can taste himself on Dean’s tongue when he kisses him and he reaches between Dean’s legs to return the favor.

Dean groans and fucks into Cas’ fist as soon as he frees him from his underwear.

All of sudden Castiel freezes and presses his free hand to Dean’s lips.

"Mr Shurley?" somebody calls in the classroom.

"Shit," Cas hisses, closing his eyes.

"Mr Shurley?" some kid yells again.

"Just a minute!" Cas yells back and hurriedly tucks Dean in.

"Ouch! Careful!" Dean breathes, fighting hysterical laughter.

"You’re staying here," Castiel whispers, trying to make himself look decent.

"What? You’re locking me in a closet? Are you kidding me?"

"If we walk out together, they’ll know what we’ve been doing here!"

"And if you walk out alone? Do you really think that will be better? They'll gossip that you banged some student."

Cas sighs and rubs his jaw. "Okay," he sighs and squares his shoulders before unlocking the door.

He walks out confidently, Dean trailing after him.

There’s a tall boy and a dark haired girl. If Cas had a daughter, she might look exactly like this girl.

"Bartholomew, Hannah, what do you need?" Cas says all formal, like he wasn’t just sucked off by his boyfriend in the supply cabinet.

The girl’s eyes dart from Cas to Dean and back. She looks surprised and a bit amused. Dean tries to hide behind Cas’ back, wondering if the kids spotted his boner.

The boy’s expression is much different, there’s something Dean can’t decipher inhisface and he doesn’t tear his eyes from Cas not for a second.

"Uhm, this is my partner, Dean," Cas says eventually after a moment of awkward silence. Dean waves at them and earns a genuine smile from Hannah.

The boy still doesn’t look at him.

"We wanted to ask if we can work on the assignment you gave us today together," he says.

"Well," Castiel frowns, "I didn’t mean it as a team work, but if you have a good reason why you need to work on it together, I might change my mind. Do you have a draft to show me?"

"Yes, we have!" Hannah answers and splays some papers on a near desk.

Dean uses the distraction to get behind Castiel’s desk and sit down on his chair.

While Cas talks with the kids, Dean looks at the drawings Cas’ was going through when he arrived. Some of them are really good, Cas has a few talented students.

The kids leave after a few minutes, satisfied that Cas allowed them to work as a team.

"So, are we in trouble?" Dean asks when they’re alone again.

Cas lets out a long sigh and sits on the desk.

"I hope not. Bartholomew and Hannah are good kids, they like me, they won’t get me in trouble."

"Good," Dean smiles and kisses Cas’ cheek.

* * *

 

Dean is feeding Ben when Cas comes home with a bright smile on his face and kisses both of them. He squints and wipes mashed potatoes from his cheek.

"He keeps insisting on eating on his own, but when I let him, he gets the food everywhere but his mouth."

"Let me try," Cas says, draping his coat over the back of a chair and rolling his sleeves up.

Dean lets him take his seat and washes his hands.

"You look happy, something happened?" he asks watching Cas feeding the baby with extra spoon while Ben uses his own spoon to slam the pile of potatoes.

"Yeah, a few kids came to me and asked me to give them extra lessons."

"Really? That’s great, Cas!"

"Yeah, they want to study art at college and think the regular lessons aren’t enough."

"And they asked you to help them? That means they like you! You’ve been there for a few months and you have a fan club already."

Cas chuckles and eats the spoonful Ben shoves into his mouths.

"I already talked to Jody and she allowed it. We start next week."

"I’m proud of you," Dean purrs and kisses the top of Cas’ head.

"Da!" Ben squeals and waves his spoon in the air. A few peas land in Cas’ lap.

"Yeah I’m proud of you too," Dean laughs and kisses the baby.

 

 


	24. SECOND YEAR TENTH MONTH

 The extra lessons Castiel is giving are inspiring him to paint more, which is really awesome. On the other hand, it means that when he's not at work, he's in his studio or sleeping, because it's all pretty demanding.

He doesn't have much time for Dean. Of course they always find time to talk over morning coffee, have dinner together or watch a movie and they almost always cuddle before they fall asleep. But the last time they actually did something exciting was on Cas' birthday a few weeks ago (Dean took him to the cottage by the lake - the one they spent a weekend at when he was still with Lisa). Since then they've fallen back into their routine. And Dean hates it. Not only because they don't have sex very often anymore (even after almost two years he still doesn't seem to be able to get enough of Cas), but mostly because it starts to remind him of his life with Lisa. Of course Cas is nothing like Lisa, but he's afraid they might grow colder if they don't find a way to break the routine.

 

Castiel is in his studio, standing in front of a huge canvas propped against a wall. He has a paintbrush between his teeth and is smudging paint with his fingers instead.

He's so focused that he starts when Dean comes up behind him and kisses his neck.

He removes the paintbrush from his mouth and turns around.

"Dean, what are you doing here?"

Dean smiles as Cas gives him a once over and raises an eyebrow questioningly.

"Draw me like one of your French girls," he says seductively and opens his bathrobe. It's gray and fluffy which ruins the effect a bit, but Cas' eyes widen and skim over Dean's naked body anyway.

"Dean, I uh-"

"Come on, Cas. When was the last time you drew me? You know they say when you're in a relationship with a writer and they don't write about you, they don't love you." He babbles as he walks to the old sofa under the window, shrugging the robe off his shoulders.

"Is it the same with painters?" He asks and flops on the sofa "Is that why you don't paint me?“ he teases.

Cas shakes his head vehemently. "Of course not, Dean, but-"

"Why won't you draw me than?" Dean cuts him of getting into an alluring position with one arm behind his head and one leg draped over the edge of the sofa.

Cas gulps, unable to tear his eyes off of Dean.

"Alright," he breaths and prepares an easel.

When he's ready, he takes his time staring at Dean. Taking his beautiful, naked body in, all the curves and edges. His hand shakes a little when he lifts it, his body reacting to the sight of his lover, but when the charcoal touches the paper it anchors him and he's able to look at Dean with the eyes of an artist.

The room is silent except for the rustling of charcoal on paper. It feels somehow sacred, as if Dean is a deity and Cas is worshiping him by capturing his appearance. The warm light coming through the window only emphasizes the effect, turning the attic studio into a church.

It's not long long before Dean gets bored and starts to hum a melody, which conjures a soft smile on Cas' lips. He stays focused though, too engrossed in his work.

Being a model turns out to be more demanding than Deanexpected and after a few more minutes, his arms start to tingle and he feels a kink forming in his neck.

"Don't move, Dean, I can't work if you move," Cas says, his voice soft but firm. It works for a moment, Dean's need to please his lover, stronger than the lackof comfort. He manages to shift just a little so he keeps the pose but gets rid of the pain. At least that's what he thinks until Cas squints and sighs.

"Dean, when you shift, the shadows on your face shift too."

"Sorry. Can't you just hurry up? I'm bored."

"You're the one who wanted this." Castiel shrugs and continues drawing. He´s just being cruel, of course he could do just a quick sketch, but he wants to tease Dean. Besides, he really enjoys drawing him.

Dean moans and shifts again. Castiel looks up to see Dean's hand sliding down his chest, stopping to rub his nipple, then traveling further down his side.

"Dean," Cas growls in warning, but the other man doesn't stop, running his hand down his thigh, his legs falling more open.

"I'm so bored," Dean whines, arching his back. Cas bites his lips and averts his eyes as he notices Dean's hardening cock.

He glues his eyes to the easel, feeling his cheeks getting hot.

He takes a deep breath to steady himself, then looks back at Dean. It's not a surprise when he sees that Dean's stroking his cock slowly, eyes fixed on Castiel.

Castiel makes a few quick sketches trying to capture Dean's hand wrapped around his shaft, the way his body arches, his lips that make a lovely little _O_ every time the pad of his thumb brushes over the head of his cock. He tries to ignore his own arousal, the soft gasps calling for him making it incredibly hard.

He loses the fight when Dean's other hand cups his balls, then slides even lower to tease his hole.

The charcoal slips from Cas' fingers. He doesn't even know how he gets on top of Dean so fast. Dean seems to be surprised too, but he wraps his arms and legs around Cas anyway, pulling him down for a kiss.

Cas' fingers leave black smudges on Dean's skin.

* * *

 

The heads the seniors have sculpted from clay look awesome. Castiel feels a swell of pride as he moves them from the window so they don't dry too quickly and crack.

"Mr Shurley?"

"Hello, Bartholomew." He smiles at the boy, who smiles back and steps into the classroom, shutting the door.

"How is yours and Hannah's project going?"

"Good, yeah, we’re a good team, thanks again for letting us work together."

"No problem. Just remember theconditionsweagreed on. I'm expectingespeciallygood results in your case."

"I know. We won't disappoint you, I promise. Our project is kickass."

Castiel laughs and the boy blushes a little.

"So you didn't come to beg me to postpone the deadline? Because you'd be the fifth today."

"No, no, I came because of the extra lessons."

Castiel frowns. "Is something wrong? You missed the last one, do you want to quit?"

It's Bartholomew's turn to chuckle and Castiel realizes it must have sounded like _he's_ the student scared that he screwed up.

"No, I actually came because I'm mad that I missed the last one. I'd liketo ask if there's any chance you would... I don't know, give me an extra extra lesson?" he rubs the back of his neck. "It sounds stupid when I say it out loud. I get you're busy."

"Well, I'm actually flattered that you're so interested in my lessons," Cas answers.

"And it's true that we're going to follow up next time and it might be difficult for you to catch up."

Bartholomew's face brightens. "Is that a yes?"

"Yes, it is. Do you have time on Friday? The last period I teach ends at two."

"I'm sorry, I have a football practice till four. Maybe after that?"

Cas shakes his head. "The school locks up early on Friday."

"And do we need to be at school? I mean... isn't there another place where we can meet?"

Castiel frowns, looking at his hands, thinking. When he looks up, the boy looks eager, his eyes sparkling. It stirs a pleasant feeling in his chest. It's nice that someone looks up to him. He lets out a sigh and tears a page from his notebook.

"You know what? I have a studio at home. Meet me there after your practice," he says and scribbles his address on the piece of paper.

"Thank you," Bartholomew smiles happily as he takes the note from him.

* * *

 

The boy looks a bit surprised when he sees his teacher in worn out jeans and a t-shirt that's too big for him.

"Come in. The studio is in the attic. Do you want something to drink?"

"No, that's okay. I just want to thank you again for inviting me."

"No problem." Cas smiles and leads him upstairs.

"Wow, this place is great!" Bartholomew breathes out looking around the studio.

"Thank you," Cas grins. "Let's get started."

He explains the basics of perspective and shows him some exercises. Bartholomew is a quick learner, so they move quite quickly to something more difficult.

"You still don't want anything to drink?" Castiel asks when the boy starts working on his task – drawing an open window, table and a wooden box.

"I can make you a sandwich if you're hungry."

"Thank you, just something to drink."

"Coke?"

"That would be great."

"Alright. I'll be right back."

The boy nods with a smile and turns back to the easel.

Cas runs down the stairs and check the clock. Dean will be home soon, hopefully Barth will be done by then.

He grabs a bottle of coke, opens it and heads back upstairs.

He freezes when he sees that Bartholomew isn't working at the easel, he's looking at the sketches Cas pinned to the walls.

"Taking a break?" he asks and steps closer.

"Yeah, my hand hurts and I was curious about your drawings." He turns to Cas and with a silent thank you, takes the drink from his hands.

Castiel doesn't react, his blood ran cold the moment he noticed exactly which sketch Bartholomew was looking at. It's the one of Dean, naked and touching himself. Cas feels stupid for not realizing that he should have taken this one down before inviting his underage student over. He'sso shocked he can't stop staring at it.

"It's really good," Bartholomew says in a low voice.

"You... you shouldn't have seen it," Cas stutters.

"Come on, Cas, I'm not a little boy." Castiel suddenly realizes how close Bartholomew's voice sounds. He turns to see that the boy is standing in his personal space.

The boy's eyes dart to Castiel's lips before he speaks again. "Actually it would be really nice if you could draw _me_ like that."

"What?" Cas snaps, feeling a surge of panic as his student starts to unbutton his own shirt, eyes fixed on Castiel's face.

"Am I not pretty enough?" the boy cocks his head taking a step closer, his knee brushing Cas', before the man takes a hurried step back.

"No, Bartholomew, I... uh-" he huffs out as his back hits the wall. He has nowhere to run and the boy presses himself against him.

"You need to st-" he's cut off by lips pressed to his. Batholomew takes advantage of his surprise and slips his tongue into Cas' mouth.

Castiel makes a desperate sound, he grabs his shoulders and shoves him away.

"You have to go," he pants. He feels shell shocked, like the world is spinning around and he has no control.

"Castiel, please," the boy moans and throws himself at him again, slipping his hands under Castiel's shirt.

"Go!" he yells and pushes him again, this time stronger. He feels Bartholomew's fingernails scratching his skin.

The boy stumbles and hits a table, knocking over his coke.

His face is surprised, then it turns furious. He grabs his bag and runs out of the room and down the stairs.

 

 Dean gets out of the car just as the boy runs out of their front door. His shirt is unbuttoned and his eyes are red rimmed.

"Hey!" Dean calls, recognizing him as one of Cas' students.

The boy gives him a surprised, almost scared look, then ducks his head and runs away.

Frowning, Dean enters the house.

There´s no answer when he calls Cas´ name. He swallows down the panic he feels raising in his chest and walks up the stairs.

"Cas?"

"Dean?" it sounds panicked and it's definitely coming from the attic.

When Dean gets there, he sees Cas leaning against a wall right next to the drawing of him.

He looks shaken.

"Cas? Are you alright? You look like you've seen a ghost."

He crosses the room to get Cas' face into his palms. His wide eyes remind him of scared animal.

"What happened?"

"Nothing!" Cas chokes out and pushes him away.

Dean frowns. "You don''t look like it's nothing. Damn, Cas you look like hell. Tell me what happened? What was the boy doing here?"

Dean didn't think it was possible for Cas to look even worse. He opens and closes his mouth, then groans and shuts his eyes, hitting his head against the wall.

"He...he-"

"Did he hurt you?" Dean bursts out, suddenly angry.

Cas' eyes snap open.

"He tried to seduce me!"

It feels like a punch in the gut. "What?"

Cas sighs and slumps against the wall. He looks like he's going to cry.

"He told me he missed one of the extra lessons, asked if we could meet and I... I invited him here. I'm so stupid!" He shakes his head like he's trying to shake what happened off.

It's then that Dean realizes he's trembling and pulls him into a hug.

"You're not. You're just kind."

Castiel buries his face into the crook of Dean's neck and lets out a sob.

"He saw the drawing and he said I should draw him and then he was kissing me. I'm so sorry, Dean, I'm so sorry," he babbles.

"Shhh, come on, Cas." He grabs his shoulders to make him look at him. "It's not your fault. You thought you were helping him and he took advantage of your kindness."

Cas heaves a breath and nods minutely. Dean runs his hand through his hair.

"Try to calm down. Everything's gonna be okay."

"What if he tells someone?" Cas asks, voice so weak it's almost a whisper.

"Tell what? You didn't touch him, did you?"

Cas shakes his head vehemently. Then without thinking about it lifts the hem of his shirt to reveal three red lines Bartholomew's fingers left there.

"Shit, he did that?"

"When I pushed him away."

"That little bastard," Dean hisses. "I should find him and-"

"No, Dean, no."  He wraps his arms around Dean and nuzzles at his neck.

"Let's just pretend it never happened," he mutters.

"Okay," Dean nods, rubbing Cas' back soothingly.


	25. SECOND YEAR ELEVENTH MONTH part one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From now on the events in each chapter happen closer to each other so sometimes it doesn´t match the time stated in the title. Usually the chapter starts in the previous month and continues to the one in the title. I hope it´s not too confusing. All the chapters are plot-heavy and very angsty.  
> Enjoy reading!

 

Castiel calms down over the weekend and on Monday he's bracing himself for the conversation with Bartholomew that has to happen. Only Bartholomew doesn't show up, which ignites a new flame of panic in Cas' chest. He considers asking Hannah if she knows why her best friend is absent, but talks himself out of it. Bartholomew probably told her what happened and even though Cas now understands that he's the one who was sexually harassed, he's afraid what Hannah might think of him.

He decides to pretend everything is alright. Hopefully Bartholomew is just embarrassed by his unsuccessful attempt to seduce his teacher and once he comes back, he'll also pretend it never happened. And if they both keep pretending for long enough it will start feeling like it's true, right?

Focusing on his students helps a lot and on Tuesday morning Cas feels almost at ease.

He jumps just a little when the door opens in the middle of his lesson and Donna Hanscum, the history teacher, enters with the trademark smile of hers.

"Hello, Castiel. Principal Mills wants to talk to you."

Cas' heart jumps into his throat. "Now?"

"Yeah, I'll watch over the kids."

Castiel takes a deep breath and looks over the class, some of the students pretend they aren't listening, some are outright staring at him and Donna.

"Okay, you know what you're supposed to do. Don't forget to mind the composition and be good to Miss Hanscum."

Some of the kids nod and get back to their work. Donna gives him another smile that is supposed to be reassuring, but only makes Cas feel even more queasy.

_You haven't done anything wrong, you haven't done anything wrong_ he keeps telling himself on the way to the Principal's office, trying to calm down.

His heart skips a beat when he enters the office and sees Bartholomew sitting across the desk from Jody, back to the door. There are two other people - a tall man who looks exactly like Bartholomew but older and a petite woman with mousy hair - Bartholomew's parents.

"Hello, Castiel, please take a seat," Jody says, but Cas isn't able to move.

"W-what happened?" he chokes out, staring at Bartholomew's hunched back.

"Mr Harrington here says that his son made a very serious accusation."

"Tell them what you told us," Harrington Senior orders harshly, poking Bartholomew's side.

Castiel feels his knees going weak and he slumps into the chair waiting for him.

When Bartholomew talks, his voice sounds hollow, but each word is like a stab of a knife for Castiel.

"Mr Shurley told me that I missed one of his extra lessons and that I should come to his home to take a private one. When I obliged and came to his studio, he-" Bartholomew's breath hitches. "He showed me a drawing of a naked man, then told me to undress because he wanted to draw me the same way. When I refused, he pushed me against a wall and kissed me, he was touching me and told me that if I didn't let him do what he wanted I'd be in trouble at school."

"And what did you do, Bartholomew?" Jody asks in motherly tone.

"I... I let him touch me." Bartholomew's voice breaks into a sob and there are real tears running down his cheeks.

Castiel is staring at him in disbelief, he feels strangely disconnected from his body, like this is not really happening to him, like it's just some absurd show.

"It's a lie," he hears himself saying. The shock starts to give way to anger which makes him snap back into reality.

"It's a lie!" he repeats louder to make sure they all heard it.

"So you didn’t invite Bartholomew to your home?"

"It was his idea. He came to me asking for a private lesson and I-" he stops, realizing that it was actually him who suggested they meet at his studio.

"What happened when Bartholomew came?" Jody keeps questioning, still calm.

"I gave him the tasks from the lesson he missed."

"Did you show him a drawing of a naked man?"

"It was a sketch of my partner; I forgot it was pinned to the wall of my studio. I didn't intend for him to see it."

"If you didn't want him to see it why did you-" Bartholomew’s father starts, but Jody shushes him.

"Did you ask him to model for you?" she asks.

"No! He offered it himself and started to undress. I told him to stop."

"Did you or did you not touch Bartholomew in a sexual way?"

"I didn't... I... he pushed me against a wall and kissed me, but I pushed him away."

Mr Harrison huffs out a laugh. "Are you telling us that a seventeen year old boy pushed an adult man against a wall?"

"Yes!" Cas almost jumps to his feet.

"I was shocked by his behavior and I didn't want to hurt him!"

"You molested him!" the boy's father shouts springing to his feet.

"Please calm down!" Jody raises her voice for the first time.

"Right now it's just Bartholomew’s word against Mr Shurley's."

"And what did you expect? That this pervert would confess?"

"Please, Mr Harrington-"

"Look at him!" Bartholomew's mother cries out, reaching for her son's shoulder.

"Look at him and tell me something terrible didn't happen to the boy."

The part of Castiel that still thinks this is just an absurd nightmare admits calmly that Bartholomew is a good actor. He's shaking slightly, biting his lower lip, staring into distance with eyes unfocused.

"Show them the bruise, sweetheart, come on," the woman hauls Bartholomew to his feet and drags up his shirt, revealing a dark bruise on his hip.

Cas takes a deep breath, trying to keep his voice steady.

"He got this when I pushed him away and he hit a table." He looks at Jody with despair.

"If I violated him he would have bruises on his wrists or arms, not there!"

"And how do you know this, you creep?" Mr Harrington growls.

"I used my brain!" Cas bursts out and immediately regrets it as he watches the man's face turn red.

"That's enough! We're calling the police!"

He feels blood draining from his face, leaving his cheeks cold. His legs give up under him and he drops himself on the chair. He feels dizzy, there's black haze filling his vision.

He hears Jody's voice over the ringing in his ears: "Bartholomew, listen, I want you to know what it means if we call the police."

"Don't try to scare him off! Are you protecting the molester?" Harrington interrupts her.

"That isn't my intention, Mr Harrington. I just want your son to be prepared." She turns to the boy again.

"They're going to ask you _exactly_ how and where Mr Shurley touched you. He might be sent to jail and never be allowed to teach again."

"Please, Bartholomew," Castiel breathes out before he can stop himself. The boy doesn't look at him, he doesn't move for a moment and maybe someone's speaking, but all Castiel can focus on is Bartholomew's back.

After what feels like cold and dark eternity, the boy heaves a sob.

"I just want to go home," he whines, looking up at his mother. An Oscar-worthy performance, really. he looks like a totally different person from the confident boy who pressed himself against Castiel and demanded to be fucked.

"Oh of course, baby boy," Ms Harrington coos and wraps her arm around her son's shoulders. She hauls him to his feet and leads him out of the office.

Bartholomew's father follows them, but stops in the doorway, looking over his shoulder at Castiel.

"Prepare for jail, you faggot."

Castiel stares after him even when the door slams shut. He's unable to move, unable to think.

He realizes he's shaking violently when Jody places a soft hand on his shoulder.

He looks up at her. "I didn't do that," he says, voice raspy.

"I trust you, Castiel. The boy is a liar. He's lied before to get himself out of trouble or to get other kids into it."

Castiel squeezes his eyes shut, it doesn't matter at all that the headmaster trusts him, but it makes him feel a bit better anyway.

"Go home, Castiel. Let's hope he'll chicken out."

She keeps her hand on his shoulder while he gets to his feet, making sure he's able to support himself.

"Thank you, Jody," he says, not really sure what he's thankful for, and leaves the room.

He heads to his office; the hallways are empty, because it's still in the middle of a period.

When he's passing the bathrooms it seems like a good idea to wash his face, get a grip on himself. The moment he sees his face in the mirror, he feels his stomach twist. He makes it to the nearest stall in time to bend over and throw up into the bowl. He keeps heaving until there's nothing left in his stomach.

He rinses his mouth and washes his face with cold water, avoiding looking at his reflection.

He eventually makes it to his office where he grabs his phone and dials Dean's number.

"Hey, Cas!"

"Dean," he has to clear his throat so his voice doesn't sound strangled. "Can you please come and get me? I don't think I should drive right now."

"What's happened? Are you hurt?" The panic in his voice adds guilt into the mixture of Castiel's ugly feelings.

"I'm not hurt. Just come, please. I'll tell you later."

"Okay, I'll be there ASAP."

Cas doesn't know how long he's been staring at the wall when Dean's arms wrap around him, he's lost the sense of time.

"Baby, what's wrong?" Dean asks, pressing a kiss into Cas' hair.

Cas sighs and nuzzles at Dean's neck, clutching the back of his jacket in his fists, drawing some strength from his proximity.

"I'll tell you at home. Let's get out of here."

Dean doesn’t protest even though his worried expression gives away that he doesn't like it.

 

"Will you tell me now?" Dean says the moment they enter the house. "Please, Cas, I'm worried out of my mind."

Castiel takes a deep breath.

"Bartholomew," he says staring at his hands. They're shaking.

Dean steps closer, frowning. "What's up with him?"

"He said," Cas tries to breathe evenly, but his throat feels too tight. "He said I touched him, forced him to touch me."

"What the hell! But you didn't?"

Cas' head snaps up. "Of course I didn't, Dean! Even if I was able to cheat on you, I wouldn't molest a child!" He shouts, suddenly overcome by anger.

"Shhh, I know, baby." Dean grabs his shoulder and pulls him into a firm embrace. "I trust you."

"But they-" Cas heaves a breath, almost a sob. "They don't. They'll call the police. I'll go to jail."

He pushes himself away from Dean, eyes wide with panic.

"Oh my god, Dean! I'm going to jail! I can't go to jail!"

"Calm down, Cas. You're not going anywhere. You didn't do it."

"Like that matters! Didn't you see Gone Girl? He can probably find a way to prove that I raped him! Make up evidence."

Dean cups Cas' face with both his hands, forcing him to look at him.

"You need to calm down, baby. Sam won't let you go to jail. They haven't even called the police, yet, have they?"

"No."

"You see? The boy wanted to get you in trouble, but I doubt he has the balls for sending you to jail."

Cas squeezes his eyes shut and sighs.

"You should've seen his face when I pushed him away. He was so angry, like he wanted me dead."

"He's an asshole with hurt ego, but he's lying and if there's some justice in the world, you won't go to jail."

Cas takes one of Dean's hands and turns his head to press a kiss into the center of his palm.

"And what if there isn't?"

"Then we’ll fight."

 


	26. SECOND YEAR ELEVENTH MONTH part two

Castiel lets Dean settle him on the couch and feed him ice-cream while they watch movies. It doesn’t help much though, he still expects the cops to burst in any minute. It’s like standing on the gallows, waiting for the executioner to put the noose around his neck.

Falling asleep feels like an impossible task, but Dean finds a way to make him relax. Even though he’s reluctant at first, Cas lets him make him feel good for a few sweet moments and when they’re done, Cas is pleasantly tired and so blissed out that he drifts off in his lover’s arms before the thoughts of Bartholomew creep back to his mind.

When he wakes up, there’s the blessed moment when everything seems alright. Then he realizes that his alarm didn’t go off and when he figures out why, his stomach ties itself into knots.

Grunting, he crawls out of bed and goes to pour himself some coffee. He doesn’t feel like eating, but he takes a shower and brushes his teeth. If the police come for him today, he should look presentable.

His phone rings when he’s opening a tin of cat food. He takes a deep breath as he sees it’s Jody Mills.

"Hello." His voice sounds like he’s been gargling razor blades.

"Hello, Mr Shurley. Can you please come to my office? I have some new information and I’d like to discuss it with you and the Harringtons."

Cas feels his heart hammering painfully against his breast bone. Pete meows impatiently and stands on his hind legs, his paws on Cas’ thigh.

"Uh. Alright. I’ll be there in a few minutes," he says and hangs up. He gives Pete his lunch, and then gets dressed. He texts Dean as he’s leaving, then realizes his car is still in the parking lot in front of the school. He’s about to call a taxi when Dean calls him, telling him to wait for him to come home and give him a lift.

 

Dean squeezes Castiel’s hand as they enter the school.

"I bet the new information is that he's confessed he made it up," he says in a vain attempt to comfort his partner. Castiel doesn’t respond at all, he’s pale and has a hollow expression on his face like he’s sleepwalking.

In the Principal’s office Dean recognizes Cas’ boss Jody. He supposes the other two adults are Bartholomew’s parents. The boy himself is sitting in the corner, slumped in his chair, arms crossed over his chest. The last person turns to them as they enter. Dean doesn’t remember her name, but it’s the blue-eyed girl they met when he visited Cas in his classroom. She nods at them in a manner of greeting and hurriedly turns away. She looks nervous and Dean feels an annoying pang of fear that maybe she’s here to play Bartholomew’s game. What calms him down a little is the way Bartholomew is staring daggers at her.

"Welcome Mr Shurley, please take a seat" says Mills, not acknowledging Dean which is better than sending him away.

"Could you finally tell us what’s going out?" the boy’s father urges harshly. The Principal gives him a placatory smile and reaches into her drawer.

"Of course. Hannah here brought me her phone with saved texts from your son. Ms Harrington would you be so kind and read them out loud for all of us?"

The lady looks at her husband, her son and then back at Jody. She reaches for the offered phone.

"Please, start with the one displayed and continue reading them in order," Mills instructs.

"Barth: he invited me home.

Good luck

Barth: the bastard rejected me."

Bartholomew’s mother bites her lip, his father gasps. The boy keeps staring at the floor between his feet.

"Please continue, Ms Harrington," Jody says, voice calm.

"I’m sorry. But maybe it’s better this way. You could have got yourself in trouble.

Barth: He’s the one in trouble now. I’m gonna make his life hell."

She stops reading and looks at her son with wide eyes; her hand clutching the phone is shaking. Dean feels his heart beating erratically and reaches his hand to squeeze Cas’ shoulder lightly. His partner is still tense, staring at Barth.

Jody is the first one to break the silence. "Bartholomew? Do you want to say anything?"

"I didn’t want him to go to jail!" the boy blurts out, jumping to his feet.

"I just wanted him to get sacked! I wanted him to pay for what he’s done!"

"And what exactly was that?"

The boy is so angry he doesn’t even think of censoring himself.

"He rejected me! I’d do anything for him, I’d never tell anyone! We’d-"

He’s cut off abruptly by his father who springs up from his seat and slaps Bartholomew with such force that the boy falls back to his chair.

Ms Harrington yelps in horror and Principal Mills steps closer, ready to stop any other violence.

"Do you still want to call the police, Mr Harrington?" she asks. He shoots her a furious glare, then grips his son’s arm and hauls him to his feet. He drags him out of the room without a word, his sobbing wife following them.

"You treacherous bitch!" Bartholomew hisses as they pass Hannah who still haven’t look up from her hands folded in her lap.

It’s unnaturally silent after they’re gone.

Jody lets out a heavy sigh.

"I guess we have a happy ending here."

"Thank you, Hannah," Cas says, his voice so husky Dean wonders if he’s fighting back tears.

The girl finally looks at him. "I couldn’t let you go to jail. You’re a good man and a great teacher. Bartholomew is my friend but... he can’t do this just because of his hurt ego."

"You’re very brave, Hannah," Jody says with a smile. "Thank you, you did the right thing. You can return to your class."

The girl stands up, nods at Castiel and Dean, then leaves.

The moment Dean’s eyes leave the door, Cas throws himself around his neck.

Dean hugs him tightly and kisses the side of his neck.

"It’s okay, everything is okay now," he whispers.


	27. SECOND YEAR TWELFTH MONTH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry :(

At first it really seemed like everything had gone back to normal. Bartholomew transferred to another school and Castiel thought the boy was out of his life, without leaving permanent damage. The signs that he was wrong began a few weeks later when he comes into his classroom and there on the blackboard in bold white letters stands the word faggot. He ignores it, just wipes it off calmly and writes the topic of the class. He doesn't report it to Jody because he doesn't think it's a big deal. Of course it's an act of homophobia and he shouldn't tolerate it, but he thinks the kids are just testing his reactions. He's determined to interveneif something like that happens again. To be honest it doesn't even occurto him that it might be personal and he definitely doesn't make the connection between this and Bartholomew. Not until he teaches the same class again and asks if anyone has a question.

A hand in the back of the class shoots up. It's one of the boys Cas is surprised attend his lessons, they don’t show particular interest in art.

"Is it true that you're gay?" he asks and Castiel's blood freezes.

"That's not by any means an appropriate question, but I'll answer because I don't want any speculation about it to be spread. I'm bisexual."

There's an incoherent murmur. Above the noise raises one distinctive voice asking if it means he fucks guys or not. Someone probably gives him a positive answer, because a moment later someone shouts:

"Is it even legal for someone like that to teach? Can't we catch something from him? Like AIDS?"

"You can't catch AIDS, you idiot!" it's Kevin Tran from the first row. "You can only catch HIV and definitely not from someone teaching you."

"Unless he also fucks you." Castiel doesn't remember this boy's name, he's absent too often, but he remembers that he's seen him interacting with Bartholomew.

"Well I heard he almost fucked a student."

Castiel doesn't see who said that. He feels dizzy; there are red spots in his vision.

"Enough!" He slams his palm on his desk. The students quiet immediately, looking mildly shocked. He's never even raised his voice in the class.

"You stop that right now or instead of the scheduled lesson we'll be having a lecture about STDs and sexuality and you can bet there will be an essay and a test."

"You can't do that," pipes up the boy who started the whole discussion. Styne, Cas recalls. His surname is Styne and one of the other boys is his brother.

"Do you want to go to ask Principal Mills about it?" Castiel asks.

There's a dead silence for a few minutes. The kids are looking at him as if he's a ticking bomb.

He lets out a heavy sigh, then continues with the lesson.

He tells Jody about the incident and she reassures him that they'll leave him alone once they get a new topic to gossip about.

He doesn't tell Dean though, afraid that his partner would be worried. He doesn't tell him about the same kids discussing loudly how it might feel to have another man's cock in your butt when Castiel is in earshot. He doesn't tell him that someone stole his favorite mug from his office and replaced it with a new one that said _I like cock_.

But of course there's no way he can keep it a secret for long.

It's Friday, but he decides to stay late and finish grading so he has a free weekend. It's dark already when he leaves the school, but there's enough light on the parking lot for him to see that there's _COCKSUCKER_ written in pink paint on the side of his car.

 

"Fucking assholes!" Dean swears while scrubbing the paint off on Saturday morning.

"Don't tell me they can't at least get a detention for this!"

"I don't know who did it," Cas answers, he sounds resigned.

"Then you should leave!" Dean barks out throwing the rag he was using into a bucket of water.

"What?"

"You heard me. You should quit. I don't want you to work there, it's dangerous."

"Dean, calm down. They're just kids causing troubles. Damage of property is the worst they have balls for."

Dean turns at him, eyes sharp.

"How do you know that?"

Cas opens his mouth then shuts it again.

"If I leave I let them win," he says with a sigh. Dean's expression softens; he steps closer and places his palms on Cas' shoulders.

"I'm worried about you."

"I know, Dean, but I believe they'll stop soon. As soon as something else catches their attention."

"So all you need now is another scandal?" Dean asks with a hint of a smile.

"Yeah. Maybe I could call Gabriel, he's a pro at that."

Dean huffs out a soft laugh, then his face turns serious again.

"Cas, promise me that you'll leave if they don't stop soon."

Castiel feels his chest constrict. He loves his job and all the other classes he teaches are alright. Some of the kids still attend his extra lessons, even though Hannah admitted they were originally a part of Bartholomew's plan to get to Cas.

He doesn't want to quit, but he nods anyway. "I promise."

The smile on Dean's face is worth it and the way he kisses him even more so.

* * *

 

"You going for a run?" Dean asks looking up from his book.

"Yes." Cas leans down to kiss his cheek. Dean frowns.

"But it's almost dark."

"I know. I'm going for the short track. Don't worry."

Dean keeps frowning, but he doesn't say anything. He just pulls him down for a proper kiss, then returns to his book.

 

It's exactly what Cas needed. The steady rhythm of his footfalls puts his mind at peace. He focuses only on his breath and the way his muscles work. The darkness is falling around him which only makes it more relaxing, like he's leaving something behind. He truly believes that things are going to get better soon.

He crosses the street and reaches a path through the park which is his favorite part of his track.

He passes an old lady with a dog, and takes a right turn at a crossroad. A few minutes later he realizes there's someone following him. He's not afraid, just a little uncomfortable, so he stops and pretends to be adjusting his gear.

It seems like the man is going to just run pass him, but then he stops abruptly. Castiel looks up.

"What-"

The punch isn't as unexpected as the attacker intended and Cas manages to dodge it. He turns to run away, but there's another figure blocking his way. Castiel knows how to throw a punch and he doesn't hesitate. The guy stammers back, but before Cas can escape, the first one wraps his arm around his neck from behind. Two more of them emerge from shadows, both wearing hoodies like their companions.

Cas gets out of the hold and opens his mouth to call for help but one of them hits his head from behind using something hard. Before Cas can blink away the stars that burst in his vision he gets punched in the stomach. There's pressure on the side of his knee and he can't help but drop to the ground.

 

It's taking too long. The short track never takes Cas more than thirty minutes. Dean stops his pacing and checks the time again. It's almost been an hour. Dean grabs his phone and dials Cas' number. He swears loudly and pinches the bridge of his nose because Cas' phone is unavailable. He takes a deep breath and tells himself that maybe the dumbass forgot to charge it and it died. But he's also late. And what's the chances that his phone ran out of battery just when Cas gets stuck somewhere?

Something must have happened. Dean's almost sure now, he feels it in his bones.

He takes the Impala and drives around the block, trying to remember where Cas' track goes. He's scared senseless. There's ringing in his ears and his vision is blurred at the edges like he's looking through a tunnel. His knuckles are white on the steering wheel. He extends the search radius and stops at the grocery store to ask if Cas stopped by. The cashier shakes her head and wishes him a nice evening. He reaches the park and stops the car.

He's praying silently as he gets out of the car and follows the path between dark trees.

_Please don't let me find him dead. Please let him be alright_. _Please let him be a dumbass who let his phone die and met a friend or something. Please, please_.

"Cas?" He calls and doesn't get an answer, but his heart goes crazy, like it's trying to jump out his throat. He starts running, eyes trying to pierce the darkness around the main path, he calls Cas' name again.

Then he sees what looks like a heap of clothes and speeds up.

"Cas!" he cries out, his voice breaking at the end.

Cas moves. Oh god at least he moves, he's not dead. Dean falls to his knees and reaches for Castiel who manages to raise his head. There's blood, there's a lot of blood. But it's okay, even a minor scratch on the head bleeds like crazy, Dean knows that very well. Cas is conscious and that's all that matters.

"Dean," he rasps and Dean gasps for breath, his throat is too tight to allow him to breath normally.

"I'm here, baby, I've got you. Everything is gonna be alright. Just stay with me, okay? Don't fall asleep." He says as soothingly as he can while fighting his own panic. He checks for more bleeding but doesn't find more than scratches.

"I peed myself," Castiel says, sounding ashamed.

Dean strokes his cheek, smearing blood.

"That's because they-" he swallows down a sob trying to rip out of his throat. "They hit your kidney. That happens."

He realizes it doesn't sound comforting at all.

"Okay, let's get you to the hospital, okay?"

"You were right," Cas breathes out as Dean helps him wrap his arms around his neck.

"I should have stayed home."

"Shh, that doesn't matter. You'll be alright." He hauls him into his arms and carries him through the park. He feels tears running down his cheeks. The smell of blood - of Castiel´s blood - fills his nose and he feels nauseated. His knees feel weak, but he has to keep going because he needs to get Cas into the hospital. He needs to make sure he'll be alright. Because if he doesn't...

He chases the thought away and focuses on Cas, on the puffs of warm breath on his neck that are telling him Cas is still here.

"Hey, hey, don't sleep, baby."

Castiel makes a disgruntled noise and tightens his grip on Dean's shoulders a little.

"Can you stand? I need to open the car."

This time Cas doesn't answer at all, but he manages to keep himself upright, leaning on the car while Dean opens the door. He helps him in, the pained sounds Cas makes shooting pangs of anxiety through Dean's chest.

He takes his jacket off and drapes it over Cas' body, then hurries to his seat.

He drives like there are no traffic rules.

"Dean?" He hears Cas' voice from the backseat, it's so weak and pained that Dean has to fight the urge to stop the car and wrap himself around him. No, that wouldn't be helpful, Cas needs a doctor first, a cuddle later.

"Yes, baby?" Dean answers, looking in the rearview mirror.

"I feel like... like there's something wrong with... in me."

Dean swallows the huge aching knot that is suffocating him.

"We're gonna get you fixed. Just a few minutes and you'll get help, then everything will be alright."

The silence that comes instead of an answer makes him look in the mirror again. Cas' eyes are closed and Dean feels cold dread spreading through his veins. Then Cas speaks again.

"I love you, Dean."

There's a new wave of tears rushing to his eyes, blurring his vision. He fights back a sob and speeds up, ignoring a red light.

"Don't say that!" he almost shouts, suddenly overcome by anger.

"Don't say it like it's a fucking goodbye. You're going to be alright, you hear me? I won't let you... this is gonna end well, it has to! Cas, it has to!"

He stomps on the brake, because they're finally in front of the hospital, and turns around to look at Cas. He's staring back at him, one eye crusted with blood. Dean think he saw him nod minutely, but he's not sure because he's rushing out of the car and getting Cas out.

"Help! Someone help me please!" He calls at the people standing around the entrance, smoking. Some of them are dressed as staff and they start moving the moment they notice him.

It's all a blur from there. People are shouting and take Cas away from him. He tries to follow, but they don't let him. They tell him to stay. He asks where they're taking him, what will they do to him, but they don't answer. He grabs a nurse by a shoulder and she yelps in pain, looking at him with scared eyes like he's some savage.

"Please tell me what's going on," he pleads, letting go of her.

"Are you a family member?" she asks, her expression softening.

"I'm his partner."

She sighs and looks at the papers at her hand.

"Is there a family member we can call?"

"Yeah, yes, his sister Anna Milton but I-"

"I'm sorry, you're not a family member," is all she says before she disappears behind her desk.

Dean's legs give out under him; he drops himself on the nearest chair. He feels cold and empty and there's a dull ache in his chest


	28. YEAR THREE MONTH ONE part one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the delay, I hope I'll be able to update the next chapter soon

He must have been just staring into the distance for a while, because suddenly someone’s calling his name. When he looks up he sees red hair and then recognizes Anna’s concerned face. He stands up and almost falls down again when she throws herself around his neck.

"Dean! What happened?"

"I...don’t know. Somebody beat him up. I found him in the park. On the ground."

"Oh god," she gasps and turns around. Only then Dean notices she´s not alone.

"Hi, Dean," Victor says as he rubs Anna’s back soothingly.

"So where is he? What injuries does he have? Is it serious?" Anna asks and Dean feels a surge of haplessness.

He slumps into his seat and presses the heels of his palms to his eyes to stop more tears from spilling.

"They won’t tell me, I’m not family," he croaks.

He hears them talking but doesn’t understand their words. Then he feels Anna sitting beside him and patting his back gently.

"It’s going to be alright," she says softly. Dean lets out a quiet sob. He appreciates the sentiment, but he knows she´s saying it only to comfort him. She doesn’t know if it’ll be alright or not. He said the same thing to Cas in the car, but the truth is he doesn’t know.

They sit like that for another couple of minutes, Anna rubbing his back, Dean hiding his red rimmed eyes in his palms.

"Did they tell you anything?" Anna says suddenly. Only when Dean looks up, does he realize she’s talking to Victor who’s disappeared and came back again.

"There was an internal bleeding caused by a ruptured spleen," Victor answers. Dean feels his whole body going rigid with fear.

"He’s in surgery now, they’re performing an emergency splenectomy."

"Once again in English?" It’s hard for Dean to talk, his mouth is too dry.

"They’re removing his spleen."

"He can live without it?"

"Yes, Dean, he can. It’s safer than trying to save the spleen considering how much blood he’s already lost."

Dean shuts his eyes and nods.

"So is he gonna be alright?" he asks, his voice weak and strangled.

Victor gives him a reassuring smile.

"Barring complications, he should do fine."

Dean lets out a relieved breath, beside him Anna springs to her feet and wraps her arms around Victor’s neck.

"Dean, you should go home, get some rest, you look terrible. When he comes out of the surgery he’ll be sleeping anyway so you won’t be able to talk to him. You can come back in the morning."

Dean knows Victor means well, but the suggestion makes him irrationally angry. He shakes his head defiantly.

"No way I’m leaving now. I’m staying until they let me see him." He remembers the encounter with the nurse and it only makes him angrier. He clenches his fist.

"And if they refuse to do so because I’m not his family by blood I swear I -"

"They will," Victor cuts him off. "They will let you see him."

Dean nods and even though he’s too tired to smile, he’s grateful for this man just as much as when he saved his life.

"Thanks, Vic."

Anna takes a deep breath and clasps her hands.

"So, Dean, have you eaten anything?"

She’s obviously shaken, but she’s trying so hard to be strong that it makes Dean’s lips curl into a soft smile as he shakes his head.

"No, I haven’t."

"Okay, I’m gonna grab us some junk food and coffee. I guess we’re gonna need it."

"I’m going with you," Victor says, wrapping an arm around her waist.

"No," she shakes her head, "I need you here in case something changes. You’re the only one who understands medical lingo."

"Alright," he agrees even though he’s frowning. He leans down to press a kiss to her cheek.

"Are you going to be okay?"

 She smiles and nods her head, red hair flowing around her shoulders like flames.

Dean feels a surge of affection for her. Since he’s with Cas, she’s been like a sister to him. It’s nice to see that she now has someone to take care of her and even better to know he and Cas helped them to get together.

"You know what, Anna? I could use some fresh air. I’ll come with you."

She doesn’t protest, just gives Vic a peck on his lips and leads the way out.

They are silent until they reach the exit. They both take a huge gulp of the cold night air. Dean still feels a painful knot in his stomach as the image of Cas pale and bloody curled in pain hits him.

"So, what exactly happened?" Anna asks as they start walking down the street towards a bright lit diner.

Dean rakes his fingers through his hair and shakes his head. "I don’t know. Someone had beaten him and I think... I don’t know if he told you, Anna, but he had some problems at school."

She frowns. "No, he didn’t tell me. The only thing he told me was how happy he was with his new job. He was really excited about the extra lessons."

"Yeah, he was, but then-" He takes a deep breath, bracing himself. Telling this to Cas’ sister is even harder than he expected.

"There was this boy... he convinced Cas to take him home on the pretext of a private lesson. Then he tried to seduce him."

She gasps, her palms fly up to cover her mouth.

"Cas rejected him, of course, but it hurt the guy’s ego and... he told his parents that Cas... that Cas forced him to-"

"Oh my god! Oh no. Why didn’t he... why didn’t he tell me?"

"I think he was ashamed. Shaken. He wanted to forget about the whole ordeal." Dean sighs again, it feels like there’s an anvil sitting on his chest.

"It had a happy ending. At least it seemed so at the time. The boy left the school when it was proven that he had been lying. But then... then the bullying started."

"Bullying?"

"Yeah. Or harassing, whatever you want to call it. His students started to make homophobic remarks, they vandalized his car and... and I think-" he’s not able to finish the thought, but he doesn’t have to.

Anna comes to a halt and stares at him, eyes glistening with tears.

"You think it was them? That they beat him up because he’s gay?"

There’s a fresh wave of tears and he’s too tired to fight them. He just bows his head and lets the events of past few weeks overwhelm him.

He feels small cold hands on his back and smells lavender shampoo as Anna pulls him into an embrace.

He feels her hot tears falling behind the collar of his shirt and hugs her tighter.

They hold each other until they’re out of tears and their breathing evens out.

 

"Anything new?" Dean asks when they come back and see Victor sitting where they ~~have~~ left him.

Anna hands him a sandwich and coffee and makes herself comfortable in his lap while chewing her own veggie burger.

"Yes, he’s out of surgery. He should wake up when the anesthetic wears off."

Dean feels like he could fly, the relief is almost dizzying.

"Can we see him?" he asks, trying to ignore the anxiety that clenches his chest at the thought of not being allowed in despite Victor’s promise.

"Let’s eat our dinner, then we can go. But just for a moment, okay? He needs rest."

Dean nods and bites into his cheeseburger, even though his stomach is still churning with nerves.

 

Dean almost loses it when he enters the room. Seeing Cas in the hospital bed is maybe even worse than when he found him in the park. They washed his face and treated the scratch on his head, but he’s so pale and his face is unnaturally calm. It makes Dean think about what if. What if he hadn’t found him in time? What if the surgery had gone wrong? He presses his hands to his chest, because he’s sure it must be visible how hard his heart is beating.

"Dean? Are you okay?" Anna’s soft voice snaps him out of it and her hand squeezing his arm anchors him.

He doesn’t nod though, it would be a lie to say he’s okay. He’s definitely not okay. The love of his life was almost beaten to death for loving him. How can he be okay _ever again?_

He takes a few steps towards Cas’ bed. He expected tubes and monitors, but all that gives away that Cas isn’t just sleeping is the IV in the crook of his arm. Cas’ forearms are covered with darkening bruises and Dean can only guess how many of them there is on Cas’ body where he can’t see them. The thought makes his stomach twist.

He wants to reach for Cas, to find some comfort in the touch, but he’s scared he might wake him up or cause him pain.

He’s actually scared of Cas waking up, because he’s going to be in pain and weak and Dean can’t see him like that, it hurts to even think about it.

In that moment he realizes he can’t do this. He can’t be here, sit by Cas’ bad holding his hand, waiting for him to wake up, like they do it in movies. It makes him sick, this place, the whole situation, it all makes him want to crawl out of his skin. His mind short circuits and all he can think is _I don’t want this, I don’t want this!_

He doesn’t even realize he’s moving until he’s back in the bright lit hall. He slams his hand on the wall, letting out a frustrated sound, then leans his forehead on his hand.

"Dean?" It’s Vic this time. He grabs Dean’s shoulder and makes him turn.

"Dean, calm down."

Only then Dean realizes he’s hyperventilating, his head spinning from too much oxygen. He tries to slow down his breathing, but he can’t, his chest feels too small and his muscles stiff. He stares at Vic and shakes his head, hand pressed to his chest.

"I c- can’t," he chokes out.

"Breathe with me. Inhale-" he inhales deeply and Dean mimics him.

"And exhale."

Dean tries to focus on the man in front of him, breathing in sync with him, he knows that if he lets himself think, the panic will get a hold on him again.

"I’m so sorry," he whispers when he finally calms down.

"It’s okay, Dean. You did nothing wrong, it’s alright to feel like that in this situation."

Dean doesn’t agree, but he swallows the guilty feeling that threatens to choke him and leans against the wall.

"You should go home and rest," Vic suggests, patting Dean’s shoulder.

Dean shakes his head, feeling the panic raising again.

"No, I can’t, I need to be here."

He doesn’t want to be here, he wants to go home and cuddle with Cas, he wants this day to be just a terrible nightmare. Staying here makes him all kinds of sick, but leaving Cas alone would be selfish. He can’t do that. He simply can’t.

"I need to be here when he wakes up," he adds and Vic lets out a resigned sigh.

"Alright, but you need rest, Dean. It’s been tough on you."

"I can take a nap in a chair or something, just please make them let me stay."

Victor gives him a sad smile. "I’ll make them do something better."

 

Half an hour later Dean is sitting on the second bed in Cas’ room that the nurses made up for him.

"You’re gonna call me when he wakes up, capisce?" Anna orders. When Dean nods, she turns to Cas and grabs his hand, pressing a soft kiss to his palm.

"Get some rest," Vic says in place of a goodbye and ushers her out of the room.

Alone with unconscious Cas, Dean kicks his shoes off and exhales heavily. He feels like he can’t hold up under the weight on his shoulders. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and dials Sam.

"What’s up?" Sam’s cheerful tone almost makes him burst in tears again.

"I’m in hospital. Cas... was assaulted in a park." The words hitch in his throat, it hurts as he spits them out.

"Beaten up.  Inner bleeding. Surgery. Should be fine."

"Oh god," Sam gasps. "Are you in the hospital? Do you want me to come?"

"No." He shakes his head even though Sam can’t see him. "He’s still out. They’re letting me sleep here."

"Are you sure you’re gonna be okay?"

Dean sighs. "No. I’m not okay, Sam. But you can’t change that."

"Alright." Dean can’t decide if his brother sounds hurt or just sympathetic.

"We’ll come in the morning."

"Okay. He should be awake by then." He looks at Cas’ motionless body and prays for it to be true.

"Fine. Stay strong, Dean. He’s gonna be okay."

"Thanks," he forces himself to say before hanging up.

Feeling even weaker and more tired than before, he lays down on his side, facing Cas.

"Please, baby, be alright," he pleads, whispering.

"I need you to be alright. I... I need you, Cas."

He shuts his eyes burning with tears. Sleep claims him sooner than he expected and he doesn’t fight back.

 

He wakes up to somebody else in the room. Rubbing sleep out of his eyes he sits up, then blinks at the nurse changing the bag of Cas’ IV.

She’s the one who made the bed for him and who’s been actually kind to him unlike other people in the hospital. He thinks he heard Victor calling her Nancy.

"What’s wrong?" he whispers, his voice raspy from disuse.

"Nothing, I just brought a new bag of saline for him. He’s doing well. He woke up half an hour ago but went back to sleep."

Dean’s heart skips a beat.

"He woke up?"

She nods with a smile, then her eyebrows knit together as she notices Dean’s expression.

"He woke up and I wasn’t here for him," he says more to himself than her, looking at his hands where his fingernails are digging into his palm, leaving red, crescent marks.

She comes closer and places her hand over his, making him stop hurting himself.

"But you were here," she says softly.

"He was confused and in pain so I gave him painkillers and told him you were here. He calmed down then and fell asleep."

Dean looks up at her, unable to fight back the hope that shows in his face. "Really? You aren’t saying that just to pacify me?"

She gives him another sweet smile. "No, I’m telling the truth. Your lover knows you are here for him. He might not remember talking to me though, he was still heavily drugged at the time."

Dean looks behind her and maybe he just imagines it but Cas looks more peaceful than before.

"So he’s doing fine?" he sounds like a little boy, but doesn’t care.

"Yes, but he still needs rest. And so do you."

She’s right. He feels sleepy and there’s a warm feeling in his chest that makes him want to curl under the blanket and bask in it.

"Alright," he yawns. "Thank you. Nancy, is it?"

This smile is a bit shy, she nods and puts the hair that fell out of her dark braid behind her ears.

"And you are?"

"Dean. And he’s Cas."

"Go to sleep, Dean. So you have energy when Cas wakes up."

"Are you going to be here?"

"No, I finish in an hour."

"Good night then."

"Good night."


	29. YEAR THREE MONTH ONE part two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I´m sorry. I never wanted to be one of those writers who abandon a story and look at me, not posting for MONTHS. I could give you hundreds of reasons why I didn´t update earlier, but it would be pointless. So all I´m gonna say is that I hope I´ll finish this fic soon and give you the happy ending you all deserve. There´s only a few chapters left and one of them is written already. I will post them unbeta-ed so I hope you don´t mind.

Dean only sleeps for an hour, then he wakes up in panic, he has a terrible feeling that something bad happened. He opens his eyes to a dark hospital room an feels like screaming his lungs out because it wasn’t a nightmare. He jumps out of the bed and with his heart racing and uneasy stomach, he rushes to Cas, making sure he’s breathing. He wants to shake him awake, to make sure he’s alright, he will be alright. There’s an ugly voice in his head telling him that when Cas wakes up, something will be different about him.

_He’ll be angry at me that I didn’t protect him._  He shakes his head in a vain attempt to chase the thought away.

He tells himself that Cas is going to wake up soon, he’ll recover and everything will be fine again. It doesn’t help though, the itch under Dean’s skin won’t get away.

He gives up on sleeping even though it’s 5 am and goes get himself a cup of the disgusting thing that passes as coffee only in hospital.

He hopes Cas will be awake when he returns, but he isn’t that lucky. He sits on his bad and stares into the empty wall, sipping his coffee.

He’s bored and worried sick, so he starts to hum silently.

"Hey Jude, don’t make it bad, take a sad song and make it better..."

He feels his heartbeat even out as he sings, calm spreading through his body. Only when the song comes to the end do his eyes dart back to Cas. He almost jumps out of his skin seeing that Cas’ eyes are open.

"Cas?" he breathes out, scared that maybe he has finally lost his mind and is hallucinating.

Cas slowly turns his head, his eyes are glazed over. He squints trying to see through the drug-induced haze.

"Dean?"

Dean is up on his feet and by Cas’ side in instance.

"For god’s sake, Cas," he blurts out and squeezes Cas’ hand.

"Cas, baby, you’re okay, everything is okay." He brings their connected hands to his lips and presses a kiss to Cas’ kuckles.

"I love you so much, oh god, I love you so fucking much." He knows he’s babling, but there are tears in his eyes treathening to spill and talking is the only way he knows how to keep them at bay.

Cas is staring up at him like he sees him for the first time in his life.

"Dean," he repeats like it takes all his strength to remember the name. It makes a lump form in Dean’s throat and he’s unable to talk anymore. He just lets out a heavy sigh and kisses Cas’ hand again.

Cas’ eyes focus on the cannula in the crook of his arm then follow up the tube of the IV.

"What?" he rasps out.

"You don’t-" Dean almost chokes. "What do you remember?"

Cas scowls and Dean immedietly regrets asking, he should let him rest.

Cas looks at him. His eyes are a bit more focused now.

"You," it isn’t more than a breath. Dean frowns and leans closer to hear him better.

"You found me."

Dean feels a sob ripping it’s way out of his chest. He bites his lower lip to stop it

"You were in surgery, you’re gonna be alright."

Cas’ frown deepens and he slips his free hand under the blanket. He winces when his fingers reach the dressing of the incision.

"Surgery?" he asks. Dean takes in a shaky breath. He doesn’t have the strength to tell him the details, to tell him that they had to remove his spleen. It’s not like losing a leg or... but it’s still part of him and Dean knows well how weird it can feel.

"The doctors will tell you everything later," he weasels out.

"You should rest now."

Cas closes his eyes and nods.

Dean lets out a relieved sigh. He pushes his hand into Cas’ mused hair and leans down to kiss his forehead.

When he straightens up, Cas is looking at him not really smiling, but his eyes are full of affection. Dean feels his heart flutter. He wants to take Cas into his arms and squeeze him tight, but he knows he can’t. Instead he strokes Cas’ stubbly cheek and when his lover leans into the touch, Dean can’t help himself, he has to brush their lips together.

Cas raises his arms to wrap them around Dean’s shoulders and makes a pained sound.

Dean pulls away immediately. "Cas? Arey you in pain?"

Cas averts his eyes which is a sign of a lie. "Just a little."

Dean huffs out exasperatedly. "I’ll call a nurse to give you something."

"No." Cas grabs his arm. "Don’t go"

The fear reflecting in his eyes makes Dean’s heart break. He feels a wave of anger against the fuckers who hurt his beloved.

"I’m not going anywhere." He grabs Cas’ hand into his and rubs soothing cirkles with his thumb into Cas’ palm, the motion having a calming effect on both of them.

"There’s a button to call the nurse on the other side of your bed. I’m just gonna use it, okay?"

"Oh." Cas looks a bit ashamed, it would make Dean laugh if not for the ache in his chest.

He rings for the nurse who’s much less nice than Nancy and leaves them alone right after she gives Cas his painkillers.

He falls asleep quickly after that, not letting go of Dean’s head.

When Castiel wakes up again, he’s less desoriented than the last time and also in much less pain. He looks at Dean, who’s sitting on a chair next to the bed playing some game on his phone, frowning and pursing his lips in concentration.

Cas reaches for him and brushes the knucles of his hand against Dean’s knee. Dean looks up and his face brightens immediately.

"Hey, babe. How are you?"

"Better. Thirsty," he adds as he hears how raspy his voice sounds and realizes his mouth is terribly dry.

"I’ll grab you some water and call the doctor, okay? Are you ready to see Anna too?"

Cas clenches his jaw. Anna. Does she know what happened? Did she freak out? He knows it’s irrational to feel guilty for making his family worried, but he can’t help himself.

"I’d like to see her," he says eventually. Dean nods and pecks his cheek before he leaves.

Left alone, Cas stares into the ceiling. He remembers the fear, the desire to get through it, to survive. But now when he’s alright, he only feels empty and extremly tired.

"Hello, Castiel, how do you feel?" the doctor asks as she walks in with Dean behind her heels.

"Tired, a bit sore." Cas answers and takes the plastic cup of water Dean hands him.

"Well, no wonder. Beside the surgery wound you have a few busted ribs and a lot of bruises, but nothing serious."

That makes sense. He remembers lying on the ground, protecting his head with his arms so they were mostly kicking his body. He remembers the feeling of something in his belly being wrong, his side burning with pain.

"The only serious problem was the internal bleeding caused by ruptured spleen. We had to perform an emergency splenectomy which means we removed your spleen."

His heart beats painfuly in his chest. He looks at Dean who looks miserable, playing with the empty cup in his hands.

Cas turns back to the doctor.

"What does it mean to me?"

"Well, spleen is an important part of your imune system so you’ll be more likely to develop infections. You’ll get some vaccination against the most severe of them in two weeks. Other than that after four to six weeks of recovery, you’re going to be as well as new."

Cas nods, trailing his fingers over the bandage. It’s big. He’s gonna have a nasty scar.

"When can I go home?" he asks. He feels weird, like something is clutching at his chest. All he wants is to go home, to crawl in bed with Dean and Pete.

"It depends on how well you heal, but if you’ll be a good boy, I may send you home within a week."

"That’s awesome," Dean breathes out and squeezes Cas’ shoulder. It hurts a bit, he probably has a bruise there.

"There’s one more thing, Castiel. The police wants to talk to you."

Cas’ stomach twists.

"Alright." His voice must give away how much not alright he is about it, because the doctor frowns.

"You can talk to them when you feel better."

"No," he shakes his head. "I’ll do it now. I want to get it over with."

She purses her lips, but nods. "Fine. I’ll tell them to come in. Is there anything else you want to know?"

"No, thank you."

 

To be honest, he’s scared of talking to the police. What if they send some homophobic prick to talk to him? Someone who’s gonna think that he deserved the beating? He feels a bit better when Dean and the nurse make him drink another cup of water and eat at least a few mouthfuls of the terrible hospital food, but when he sees the uniform, his heart jumps into his throat.

The guy is short and though-looking, handsome with intelligent eyes though.

"Hello, Are you Castiel Shurley?" he asks stepping further into the room.

"Yes," Cas breathes out and looks at Dean searching for some reassurance. Dean smiles at him, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.

"I’m officer Trenton, I’d like to ask you a few questions about the assault."

"Alright."

The policeman looks at Dean and Cas can not notice the way his eyes skim over Dean’s body. Is the officer checking him out?

"Could you please leave us alone?" he asks with a smile. "But I’d like to talk to you later," he adds as Dean nods and heads to the door.

"Okay. I’ll wait outside." He gives Cas an encouraging wink and leaves.

"So, Mr Shurley-"

"Castiel-"

"Okay, Castiel, tell me what happened the night you were attacked."

"I went for a run. I’m not sure what the time was, it was almost dark Dean didn’t want me to-" he stops himself and takes a deep breath. The officer doesn’t need to know this.

He makes a note in his notepad and nods. "Carry on, please."

"I took a shorter track than usually so I reached the park maybe 20 minutes later. I noticed someone following me so I stopped to let him pass but he-" Cas shuts his eyes, trying to remember.

"He stopped and tried to punch me, but I dodged. Then there was another one who stopped me from running. I punched him in the face, but two more came." His throat feels to tight. The officer is making notes, not looking at him.

"One of them kicked my knee and when they got me on the ground, they kept kicking me."

"Can you describe them?"

Castiel bites his lower lip and shakes his head. "They were wearing hoodies, I didn’t see their faces."

"They were all man though."

"Yes."

"Did they steal something from you?"

"No. One of them stomped on my phone, but they left it there."

The officer frowns and finnaly looks up at him.

"Any idea why they attacked you."

Cas grinds his teeth and nods firmly. "Because I’m queer."

Realization flickers over his face as he puts one and one together.

"Are you sure about that?"

_Faggot, cocksucker, pansy._ He remembers each word coming with a blow.

Cas snorts. "Yes, they made it pretty obvious, yelling slurs at me."

Another note, then a serious look from the officer.

"How did they know you were queer?"

Cas’ hands ball into fists, he squeezes his eyes shut.

"I don’t know," he whispers.

"Is it possible they knew you? Did you have any problems lately?"

"I told you all I remember, officer. I’d like to take some rest now."

The man stares at him for a moment, then he puts his notepad into the pocket of his uniform jacket.

"Thank you, Castiel. Get well soon."

 

The officer leaves Cas’ room sooner than Dean expected.

"May I talk to you, Mr-"

"Winchester. Dean Winchester."

"You are the one who found Mr Shurley?"

"Yes. I’m his partner. When he didn’t come home from his run I went to look for him and found him in the park."

He tries to push the memory of Cas lying on the ground as far as possible.

The officer makes a note, he’s frowning like there’s something wrong with what Dean just told him.

"Did you find Castiel‘s phone?"

"Yes, it was on the ground, broken."

"Your partner told me the assault was an act of homophobia. Did you have similar problems lately? Was someone in your neighborhood hostile to you? Did you encounter some other homophobic behaviour against you or your partner?"

Dean stares at him in surprise. "Cas didn’t tell you?"

"He avoided the question."

Dean pinches the bridge of his nose. Why would he do that?

"He’s a high school teacher and.... last month one of the students accused him- _falsely_ accused him of taking advatage of him. He confessed that he was lying later but since then..."

Dean remembers the vandalized car and feels a surge of anger. If it was those bastards, and it _had_ to be them, he wants officer Trenton to get them in jail.

"One class, I think it was the seniors, started bullying him."

"How?"

"They wrote faggot on his car."

"Did he tell you who was it?"

"No, he said he doesn’t have any evidence."

"He said he punched one of them in the face. That’s how we might find them."

"Please do it, officer Trenton."

"Cole."

"Cole, you need to find those bastards. I know they’re just kids, but they can’t get away with that. they almost killed him! He’d bled to dead if I haven’t found him."

"I’ll try my best, Dean."

 

"Why you didn’t tell him!" Dean yells as he bursts into the room.

"You know who did it to you! You must have recognized their voices! Why didn’t you tell him?"

"Dean-"

"They almost killed you!"

"I’m not sure who it was," Cas says not looking at his furious lover.

"But you have a suspicion. The police can do the rest."

Cas remains silent, he’s fidgeting with the hem of the blanket. Dean stomps closer and grabs his shoulder. Cas hisses, but Dean doesn’t mind.

"Why are you protecting them?"

"I’m not," he breathes out.

"Yes, you do, it’s almost like you-" Dean trails off, eyes wide.

"Son of a bitch," he breaths out, pushing both his hands into his hair and looking at the ceiling.

"You think you deserved it!" he spits out. Cas feels his heart stammer, but he doesn’t reply. Dean’s eyes bore into him.

"Cas, for fuck’s sake, you can’t be serious!" Dean drops himself on the chair beside Cas’ bed and grabs Cas’ hand. He squeezes tight, making Castiel look at him.

"Cas, talk to me," he sounds desperate. Cas wants to obey, wants to talk to him, to explain the mess of emotions and thoughts swirling inside of him, but he can’t. He doesn’t understand them himself.

"I should have dealt with it better. With Bartholomew, with them. I’m not saying I deserved to be beaten to death, but... they’re just kids. Even if they prove it was them, what can happen to them?"

"I don’t know, but do you really want them to get away with it? Do you want them to think this is okay? That they can beat up somebody else? What about queer kids at your school? What message does this send to them?"

Cas shuts his eyes and clenches his jaw. Dean is right, but he’s so tired, too tired to deal with anything.

Gentle fingers stroke his jaw.

"It’s gonna be okay, Cas. You need to rest. Then you can talk to the police again."

Cas nods and leans into the touch.

"I love you, baby," Dean whispers as he presses a soft kiss to his temple.


	30. YEAR THREE SECOND MONTH

The hospital makes Castiel anxious. He feels like the sterile room is going to swallow him any minute. He can’t shake off the thought that if he doesn’t run away soon enough he’ll never get out of here.

The only thing that makes him relax a bit is Dean’s presence. He clings to him like a scared child and doesn’t even have the strength to feel embarrassed because of it.

He only lets Dean leave to take a shower and change his clothes when his family comes. First Anna who tells him how Victor arranged the best surgeon to perform his splenectomy, then made sure they let Dean stay with him.

He’s incredibly thankful for that, but what makes him like Victor even more is the way he and Anna look at each other.

Next day it’s Chuck who visits him. It’s unexpected and a bit awkward, but it makes him forget about the awful feeling in his gut, so he’s happy to have him here. His mother doesn’t come, but she calls him and wishes him to get well soon. He suspects that Anna didn’t tell her why he was assaulted.

Gabe comes a day before they release him and makes him laugh so much that he’s worried about his stitches.

The best visit is the one that surprises him the most. Hannah pokes her head into his room and asks if he’s ready for a visit. When he smiles at her and nods, she opens the door to let in a bunch of other kids. They are holding balloons and flowers and stuffed animals and Castiel has a hard time to suppress tears. They all seem to know what happened and are convinced they know who did it to him. He tries to calm them down, but they are angry. Krissy Chambers swears that if police doesn’t do anything, she will avenge Castiel herself. It makes his heart swell, but he explains that it’s wrong to fight fire with fire.

There’s a heated discussion after that, which does a great job of distracting Cas.

"Oh, I’m sorry for interrupting," comes Dean’s deep voice from the door.

"You’re not," Castiel says with a soft smile. "Kids, this is my partner, Dean."

A few jaws fall slack as Dean walks between the kids to Cas’ bed and kisses his cheek.

"I knew he dated a guy, but I didn’t expect him to be a fucking supermodel," Tracy Bell whispers to her friend Kate.

  

Six days after the surgery Dean is finally allowed to take Cas home. He’s very excited about it. He spent as much time as possible in the hospital with Cas, but sometimes he has been forced to stay in the empty house (usually at night which only made it worse) which felt like torture.

He‘s grinning as he watches Castiel smile at Pete who appeared out of nowhere the moment his human crossed the threshold. Castiel crouches down to pat the cat, trying to hide a wince as the movement pulls at his stitches. Dean’s smile falters for a moment, but he takes a deep breath and his enthusiasm is back. Cas is home and he’s going to recover, everything’s going to be alright. It’s going to take time though.

He tries not to fuzz too much around Cas, suspicious that it might make him uncomfortable, but Castiel doesn’t seem to care. He actually doesn’t seem to care about anything. He goes to the hospital to get his stitches out and get his vaccination and he co-operates with police, but other than that, he spends most of the day in bad. At first Dean thinks it’s part of the recovery, that he’s just tired. His body is missing an organ after all, it probably needs to get used to it.

When Cole comes to tell them one of the kids in Castiel’s class (the one he hit) confessed, but refused to tell who was with him, Cas barely reacts at all. He doesn’t even want to know what’s going to happen with the boy.

That’s when Dean realizes something might be wrong with Cas, but he blames it on being stuck first at hospital, then at home for so long. He’s just grumpy and needs something to do, preferably something that would drag him out of the house.

 

"There’s nothing to eat," Cas growls staring into the fridge stuffed full with food.

Dean looks up from the magazine he’s reading at the breakfast isle.

"What about all the food you’re staring at?"

Castiel groans and picks up some leftover, then puts it back.

"There’s nothing I want to eat."

Dean rolls his eyes. "You’re a spoiled brat."

Cas slams the fridge closed and turns to him. "Yes, I am. And I’m hungry."

"If you were really hungry, you’d eat whatever there is without complaining."

That earns him a deadly squint and a pout. "I’m unhappy, Dean."

Dean stifles a laugh and takes a few steps towards his bratty boyfriend.

"Because there’s nothing for me to eat," Cas moans again and leans his head on Dean’s shoulder. Dean runs his hand through Cas’ hair.

"Tell me what you want and I’ll cook for you. Or we can go out."

Cas looks up at him. "But I don’t _know_ what I want to eat!" he whines.

Dean huffs out a laugh. "Then I’m sorry, buddy, it seems you’ll starve to death." He pats his shoulder and heads to the living room, leaving him there.

"You’re cruel and you don’t love me." Cas shouts after him.

"I do, I’d really miss you. But I can’t save you if you don’t wanna be saved."

Cas snorts and opens the fridge again.

 

"Cas, are you really unhappy?" Dean asks when Cas appears with a bucket of ice cream.

He squints at him and digs into the ice cream with a spoon.

"No, why?"

"I don’t know. You seem off since you came from the hospital."

"I’m in recovery, Dean." He eats a spoonful making a disgusted face.

"I know but... if there’s something I can do to improve your mood you just need to ask, you know that, right?"

Castiel smiles at him, soft and warm but mirthless. It only makes the dull ache in Dean’s chest grow stronger.

"I’m alright, Dean. Just tired, maybe a bit bored."

"Let’s go out then! Dinner and movie? We didn’t have a date in ages."

Cas raises an eyebrow, but his lips curl up.

"We live together; I don’t think there’s a need for dates anymore."

Dean snorts. "Of yourse there is. Or do you want us to be an old married couple?"

Castiel shakes his head, smiling fondly. "No, of course not."

"Let’s go!"

"Alright. Just not today. I’m really tired. Let’s just cuddle on the couch."

"Okay." Dean nods and drapes his arm around Cas’ shoulders, pulling him closer.

"But we’ll go tomorrow, promise?"

"Promise."

 

They don’t go anywhere tomorrow or any other day and things only get worse. Castiel barely speaks, rarely leaves their bedroom, he moves like a body without a soul.

* * *

 

Cas is lying on the couch, face down, one arm hanging over the edge. Pete is curled up on the man’s back. When Dean approaches and strokes his head the cat leans into the touch. He looks up at Dean and meows softly, as if he’s saying "My human is broken, I tried to fix him, but it didn’t work. It’s your turn to do something."

Castiel grunts softly as the cat bounces off his back, jumps down and runs away. Dean sits on the armrest of the couch and runs his hand through Cas’ hair. It’s greasy. He hasn’t washed it in some time.

"Hey, baby, I want to show you something."

"What’s it?" Cas turns his head so he can look at the leaflet in Dean’s hand, his cheek squeezed against the cushion.

"It’s a charity run," Dean says, holding the piece of paper in front of Castiel’s eyes.

"You hate these things," Cas mutters, squinting, but he sits up and takes the leaflet from Dean.

"Yeah, but this one is against cancer and you know... I think I changed my mind about this kind of events."

A shadow of a smile runs across Cas’ face, then he frowns again, suspicious.

"So you want to participate? Dean, I don’t want to talk you out of it, but you aren’t much of runner."

Dean can’t fight back a grin. "I know. That’s why I thought you could help me. The run is in more than a month so you could hmm... train me?" he says suggestively, adding a wink.

To his disappointment Cas doesn’t take the bait, he just sighs and throws his head back, the leaflet crumpling slightly in his hand.

"I don’t feel like running, Dean."

Dean slides off the armrest to sit properly on the couch, pressing himself close to Cas.

"Cas, baby, I know you’re still healing, but the doctor said you can do any activity if you’re careful. We’d start slowly."

Castiel frowns at him. "Why do you want this so much?"

Dean blushes a bit, averting his eyes. "I thought you should be more active. And it would be nice to do something together."

He startles a bit when he feels Castiel’s arm wrap around him. Cas leans closer, his hot breath brushing over Dean’s neck. Dean looks up at him, smiling, hopeful.

"You know what?" Cas asks in his bedroom voice and kisses him, short and teasing, just taking Dean’s lower lip between his.

"I know about other activities," he continues leaning even closer, forcing Dean to lie back on the couch, "that we can do together," he purrs and kisses him again, this time deep and dirty.

"Wait!" Dean gasps against his lips when he gives him a moment to take a breath, but Cas doesn’t stop. The kiss is so mind-blowing it takes all Dean’s self control to push away Cas’ hands that are roaming under his shirt.

That finally makes Cas stop.

"Cas, wait. This isn’t what I wanted.”

Castiel frowns, hovering above Dean he looks a bit intimidating, not in the good way.

"What? You don’t want to have sex with me?" he growls. Dean feels the hair on the back of his neck stand on the end.

"No," he almost whines. "I just... we can’t do that, Cas. We can’t ignore the problem and have sex instead. You’re the one who taught me it’s not healthy."

Castiel sits up and crosses his arms across his chest; it leaves Dean feeling cold and distant, like Cas just withdrew behind a brick wall.

"And what is the problem, Dean?" Cas ask, voice firm.

"I don’t know! I don’t know because you won’t tell me, but I know something is off with you." Even to his own ears he sounds desperate, borderline pathetic, but he doesn’t care, he needs to make Cas talk.

Castiel raises an eyebrow. "Yes, I had a major surgery, that’s what’s wrong with me, Dean. I’m still in recovery. Sorry that I don’t feel like frolicking or whatever you want me to do to prove that I’m fine."

Dean shakes his head and scrambles up to sit facing Cas on the other end of the couch.

"That’s not it, Cas. You’re physicaly alright, but not mentally. I know you and the man who’s been living here for last couple of weeks? That’s not you, Cas."

Cas huffs out a mirthless laugh. "Sorry, Dean, but you’re wrong. This is me, but if you can’t love me in all my moods, well-" He shrugs. "Then _that_ might be a problem." Whit that he stands up, but Dean grabs his wrist before he walks away.

"No, Cas. I love you, always, all of you. That’s why I want you to be alright."

"I _am_ alright," Cas hisses and yanks his hand out of Dean’s grip.

"You know you’re doing exactly what I did after the orchiectomy, right?" Dean calls after him, as he heads to the stairs.

He falters in his steps giving Dean a chance to continue.

"You’re pushing me away, not letting me help, lying to me and to yourself that you’re fine, but _you are not!"_

Cas doesn’t answer, he doesn’t even look back at Dean. He just makes an angry sound and stomps up the stairs.

* * *

 

Dean decides it will be better to let Cas cool off. He doesn’t try to talk with him for a couple of days. He doesn’t ignore him, though, they even exchange a few words, Dean just doesn’t address the problem. In the end of the week he starts to notice, that it makes Castiel nervous. He had expected Dean to try again and when he didn’t, it made him uneasy. Sometimes it even seems like he wants to say something himself, then he changes his mind and keeps watching TV with Dean in silence, or turns the lamp off when they’re in bed. Dean holds on for two more days before he approaches him.

When he enters the bedroom, Cas is standing in front of a mirror, shirtless, fingers running along the long scar that curves right under his ribs and end in the middle of his belly. It’s still angry red and a bit puffy, but it heals well.

"I think it looks cool," Dean says leaning against the doorframe. "You have a scar from a fight, you’re a survivor. That’s sexy."

Castiel frowns and turns away from the mirror.

"It isn’t a war wound, Dean. I was attacked by a bunch of kids because I’m queer, there’s no pride in it," he says in a bitter voice, then flops on the bed.

"That doesn’t change a damn thing," Dean answers as he walks to the bed. He sits on his side and brushes his fingers against Cas’ thigh. The other man takes a shaky breath, but doesn’t flinch.

"I’m not a hero," he sighs, closing his eyes. "I’m weak, damaged."

"No, baby. Don’t talk like that." Dean leans down to kiss Cas’ forehead. Castiel makes a soft sound and rolls to his side, wrapping his arms around his middle.

"I barely left the house since I returned from the hospital."

Dean bites his lower lip. This is probably as close to admitting that he has a problem Cas is going to get. It makes Dean’s chest constrict, he wants to help and now it seems Castiel might even let him, but what if he doesn’t find a way?

"You can tell me everything," he says softly, rubbing Cas’ arm soothingly. "It will help, I promise. And if you don’t feel like talking with me, let’s find somebody else. You need to get it off your chest or it’s gonna eat you from within."

Castiel whines and curls up, dragging his knees to his chest and covering his face with his palms.

"I’d like to," he says, his voice muffled. "But I don’t know how. I don’t know what I want to say. I don’t know what’s wrong."

Dean lies down and pulls Castiel closer. He immediately uncurls from the fetal position he’s been in only to wrap himself around Dean, clinging to him li

he’s a lifeline.

"Shhh, just talk, it doesn’t have to make sense. Just let it spill." He rubs Castiel’s back, feeling it raise and fall with his lover’s rapid breath.

"I’m scared," he breathes out. "And angry. God, I’m so angry. At myself, at the world, at everything."

He shifts in Dean’s embrace, loosening his grip on the other man.

"I was happy, Dean. I had a great job, beautiful home, loving family. For the first time I felt like I found my place in the world." His voice is shaking and Dean feels his own throat constricting.

"And they ripped it off my hands. It feels like a rug was pulled from under my feet and I’m falling."

He takes a breath and Dean feels a shiver run through his whole body, he pulls him closer again and presses a kiss into his hair. He doesn’t say a word, not wanting to cut the train of Cas’ thoughts.

"And it all makes me so sad. So sad I can’t even move. I know I should hold on the things that I didn’t lose, but I’m too weak and they’re slipping between my fingers and I can’t... I can’t do anything...." his voice breaks into a sob. Hot tears drop on Dean’s neck.

"I’m not slipping away, I’m here, Cas. I’ll always be here and your family too," he says as soothingly as he can muster, patting Cas’ hair.

Cas’ hand clenches the back of Dean’s shirt, he sniffs loudly, trying to stop the outburst of tears.

"Hey, it’s okay, it’s okay to cry. Let it out, baby, you need it."

Cas makes a sound that’s half a sob, half a laugh and buries his face in Dean’s chest.

"You have every right to be angry, sad and scared. What happened to you was terrible."

"It was my fault," Cas mutters into Dean’s shirt.

"What?" Dean pulls away so he can look in his lover’s face. "What the hell, Cas? Don’t say that. Everything you feel is justified but not this, this is bullshit."

Castiel averts his eyes, hands fidgeting with the comforter they’re lying on.

"I should have handled the situation better. With Bartholomew. With the kids at school."

"No, Cas, no. Look at me." Only when he grabs his shoulders does Cas look him in the eyes.

"None of that was your fault. If you blame yourself, then I should blame myself that I didn’t protect you." He feels tears in his eyes, but his voice doesn’t waver.

"Do you think it was my fault too?"

"No, Dean, no," Cas shakes his head and opens his mouth to continue, but Dean doesn’t let him.

"You’re right. It wasn’t. And it wasn’t yours. Only the people who hurt you are to blame, Cas."

Cas keeps staring at him for a moment with red-rimmed eyes. Then he takes a deep breath, his lids fall shut and he relaxes a bit.

Dean exhales against Cas’ hair, then kisses his temple.

"I know you feel like you can’t even get out of the bed, but you know what it is? It’s depression. It’s a reaction of your mind to the trauma. It’s natural. But you can’t let it devour you." He presses another kiss to Cas’ cheek before he continues.

"I know it seems impossible, but the only way out of this is to start doing something. Start with little things that make you happy. Like running."

Cas sighs. "It’s not... I can’t get out of the house, Dean."

"Why?"

"I’m scared. I never felt like that. Being openly queer never caused me real problems. I mean yes, my mom disowned me, but... I got over that, because... I don’t know, I felt like it was more her problem than mine. But this? This scares me, Dean."

Dean sees the fear in his eyes and it makes his stomach knot.

"I’m scared that something will happen again. To me, to you, to Ben when he‘s old enough for his peers to find out that he has two dads."

Dean pinches the bridge of his nose, at loss for words.

"I get that, Cas. I really do. I’m scared too. But if we stay hidden in our house, if we sacrifice our lives to stay safe, isn’t it like letting them win?"

He bites his lip, not sure it came out as he intended, Castiel’s stare is intense, but unreadable.

"We have to go out and live our lives to the fullest, so people like the assholes that hurt you see that they can beat us down, but we will always get up."

Castiel smiles, it’s small and a bit bitter, but it still warms up Dean’s heart.

"Queer pride looks good on you."

"Shut up," Dean blushes. "I didn’t mean it to sound so pompous."

Cas chuckles and strokes Dean’s heated cheek. "I’m serious, I liked how you said it."

He leans in to kiss Dean softly on the lips. "I love you," he whispers.

The dark heavy cloud that was hanging above him seems to start dissipating.

"I love you too. That’s why I want you to get better. And I’m here to help you." He kisses Cas’ neck, his hand sliding down Cas’ sides. Cas arches into the touch and breaths out.

"Dean?"

"Mhm?" comes in the place of an answer, Dean being too occupied by sucking kisses into Cas’ collar bone.

"Now when we discussed our problems, can we have sex?"

Dean grins at him. "Yeah, I think it’s a good first step to enjoying things again."

He pushes at Cas’ shoulder, making him lay on his back, Dean on top of him.

"But I have a condition."

"What’s it?" Cas asks, frowning as he pushes up the hem of Dean’s shirt so he can touch bare skin.

"You let me take care of you," Dean purrs, kissing Cas’ chest.

 


	31. YEAR THREE THIRD MONTH

"Ouch," Dean hisses as he gets up from the couch. He shoots Cas a dangerous look when he hears the man huff out a laugh behind him.

"I’m sorry," Cas chuckles. "You just walk _so_ funny."

"I’m in pain, you asshole. Why don’t you rather go answer the door yourself?" Dean says exaggerating his exasperation a bit.

"My legs are sore too," Cas answers, stretching said legs and wiggling his toes.

Dean snores and drags himself to the front door.

 

When he returns with a pizza box in his hand, Cas grins at him. "Look, my favorite pizza man!"

Dean rolls his eyes, but can’t fight back an answering grin spreading on his face. He’s so glad to see Cas smiling again.

He hands Cas the box and sits down, groaning as his thighs burn.

"I hate running. I always hated running. How could I have forgotten how much I hate running?"

"Let me remind you that the charity run was your idea," Cas says before stuffing his face with pizza.

"Yeah, because I thought it would make you happy."

There’s a sparkle in Cas’ eyes as he replies. "It did."

Dean feels warmth spreading through his chest. Smiling, he finally grabs himself a piece of pizza, the gooey cheese scalding his fingers.

 

Things have been really getting better lately. Cas has been doing better.

He still has bad days sometimes, bad days when it’s hard to get out of bed, but they are becoming rare. He still doesn’t like going out on his own, especially when it’s dark, which is fairly understandable.

He’s bored often. It’s obvious that he’d like to return to work, but he’s not sure about getting his old job back and finding a new one isn’t easy.

Dean encourages him to paint as much as he can. It helps him. Most of his paintings are pretty dark, but that’s probably what he needs - to get the darkness out of his system, pour it on the canvas.

 

* * *

 

Christmas kind of sneaks up on them, but it might be for the best as it doesn’t give Dean time to freak out like last year. The holiday is spent calm and quiet with close family, which is exactly what they need.

On New Year’s Eve they stay at home, watching TV snuggled up on their couch. At midnight they go to their backyard and set off some fireworks Dean bought. They watch them in silence, arms wrapped around each other.

"May this year be better than the last," Dean whispers after their New Year’s kiss. Cas nods, but doesn’t meet Dean’s eyes.

"Cas, what’s wrong?"

"It’s nothing, Dean. Let’s go inside, I’m cold."

Dean obediently follows him into the house, but he can’t shake off the feeling that something’s bothering his partner.

"Cas, talk to me. You don’t want to start New Year with secrets, do you?"

Cas sighs and flops himself on the couch.

"There’s something I need to talk about, but I didn’t want to ruin the holiday."

Dean frowns and sits next to Cas, placing a soft hand on his thigh.

"Whatever it is, you better tell me now. We can deal with it, Cas."

A small smile curls up Cas’ lips, he presses a soft kiss to Dean’s chin, then he takes a deep breath.

"Balthazar found me a job."

"Cas! That’s great!"

"It’s in France."

Dean’s stomach sinks. Cas doesn’t wait for his reaction and just dumps everything on him.

"It would be for four months. I would work in a gallery and I could attend some art classes. The money wouldn’t be great, most of it would be swallowed by the tickets and rent but... but I think this might be exactly what I need. To find myself again. To start fresh."

He looks at Dean with his best impression of a puppy dog.

Dean blinks at him a few times, trying to sort his thoughts.

"Balthazar found you the job. Well, I knew I should have killed him," is the first thing he says, utterly surprising Cas.

"Is he going with you?" he adds.

"He will fly there with me to help me settle down, then he’ll travel to Britain."

"Hm, if he tries something funny, I’m gonna cut his balls off."

Cas frowns. "Dean, does it mean-"

Heaving a sigh, Dean runs a hand through his hair.

"Four months, shit, that’s gonna be though."

"I don’t have to go, if you don’t want me to go, then I’ll stay. It was just an offer, a crazy idea. I-"

Dean grabs Cas’ shoulders, grounding him.

"Cas, of course I don’t want you to go, because four months without you will be torturous. But I have no right to keep you here. Besides if I don't let you leave now, you'll always wonder what it would have been like and one day you'll start to hate me for it"

"Dean, I wouldn’t-"

"Just promise me you will come back."

"Of course!" Cas wraps his arms around Dean who hugs him tight.

"I’m not running away from you. I’m running from what happened to me."

"I know," Dean breathes out, patting Cas’ hair. "I hope you’ll find what you’re looking for. I’ll be waiting for you."

Cas pulls away and as he looks at Dean, there are tears in his eyes.

"Thank you, Dean."

"I love you."

Cas bites down on his lower lip to stop it from trembling. Dean huffs out a soft laugh and kisses him gently.

 


	32. YEAR THREE FOURTH MONTH

Dean leans against the doorframe of their bedroom watching the love of his life packing up to leave him. He shakes his head in an attempt to chase the thought away. He shouldn’t think about it like that. This isn’t an end of anything; it’s just another part of their life. Besides it’s not like they’re not gonna be in touch. They can Skype every day if they want to, right? And Cas isn’t leaving to war, he’s going to be safe, living his dream.

With that in his mind Dean steps into the room. He knows he’s only going to get in the way, but he feels like he needs to spend every minute of the time they have left as close to Cas as possible.

Cas makes a disgruntled sound and throws a pair of jeans into a corner and keeps rummaging through his wardrobe.

Dean peaks into the already overstuffed suitcase on the bed. The object on top of a pile of clothes immediately catches his attention.

"What's this?"

Cas looks over his shoulder at Dean holding the toy.

"It's a dildo," he answers and turns back to his second suitcase.

"It's huge, and black," Dean observes, sounding mildly disgusted.

"Yes, I got it from Gabriel so I don't feel lonely in France."

"And you're really going to take it with you?"

Cas finally turns to him.

"Yes, I'm going to call it baby," he deadpans.

"What?" Dean almost squeals, dropping the damned thing into the suitcase.

Cas shrugs, and continues folding a sweater he’s holding in his hands.

"You call your huge black artificial phallus baby, why shouldn't I?"

"She's not a dick!"

"Yes, she is, Dean, metaphorically of course. If I didn't know better, I'd think you are overcompensating."

Dean’s jaw drops.

Castiel places the neatly folded sweater on the bed, trying to keep his face straight, but Dean doesn’t miss the way the corners of his lips twitch.

"You asshole," he breathes out and tackles Cas on the bed.

"No! Dean, stop! I need to finish packing!" Cas protests between laughing fits as Dean tickles him mercilessly.

 

The night before Cas leaves they make love. Sweet and slow, drawing it out as long as possible, worshipping each other’s bodies, trying to imprint into memory every inch of skin. When they both come, whispering confessions into each other’s skin, they lie in the dark, limbs intertwined.

The afterglow isn’t enough to lull them to sleep though, because falling asleep means that tomorrow will come and they will have to part, which is something none of them is ready for just yet.

So Dean pulls Cas into a heated kiss and Cas climbs on top of him. This time it’s hard and desperate. Fingers dig into skin leaving bruises and scratches, lips suck and teeth bite, marking possession. Cas pushes as deep into Dean as he can, as if he wants to mark him from the inside, as if he’s trying to leave a part of himself with Dean. Dean wraps himself around him and begs for more.

They both cry out their lover’s name as they climax.

After that they barely have any energy left to clean up, so they finally let exhaustion take over.

 

The morning is silent and tense, it almost seems like they had a fight last night. Dean’s stomach twists every time his eyes fall on the luggage waiting in the hallway. He tries to imagine what it will be like when Cas leaves and it fills him with dread. It’s too similar to the time when Cas was in a hospital, to the time when he left him the first time.

He wouldn’t say it out loud, but he’s actually scared shitless. It’s not that he doesn’t believe in their relationship, or that he doesn’t trust Cas to love him enough to come back. It’s like a reflex, fueled by the memory of losing Cas once.

"I’m ready," Cas says putting his coat on.

 _I’m_ _not_ Dean thinks, but he forces a small smile and grabs one of Cas’ suitcases.

As they drive to the airport, Cas takes Dean’s hand into his and squeezes it tight. Maybe he’s a little bit scared too.

 

That suspicion grows stronger as they wait for check-in and Cas clings to him like a child, arms wrapped around Dean’s middle, cheek pressed against his shoulder blade.

Dean twists in Cas’ arms to look at him. "Hey, you okay?" he asks softly, tipping Cas’ chin up.

"Yes, I’m just trying to convince myself that I’m not doing a huge mistake."

A soft smile spreads over Dean’s lips, he leans down to press a kiss into the corner of Cas’ mouth.

"Of course not. Everything’s gonna be alright." Somehow he manages to sound like he believes it.

After Cas gets his baggage checked, they go to buy some overpriced snacks, then sit down to wait.

Dean is the first one to break the silence. "I guess this is the right time to talk about open relationship."

"Yeah, right. If you fuck somebody else, I’m gonna kill you," Cas says around a mouthful of skittles.

He freezes when he sees Dean’s serious expression.

"I’m being serious, Cas. I’m okay if you have sex with someone, just... just don’t fall in love."

Castiel frowns, his eyes darken with anger.

"Are you saying that because you want me to say the same? To give you a free pass?"

"No, I-"

"Then because you expect me to cheat on you?"

"Cas, please, calm down! That’s not what this is about!" Dean takes a deep breath and focuses on keeping his voice low, because people are starting to give them weird looks.

"Four moths is a long time and slip ups happen especially when one gets lonely. I’m just genuinly trying to say that if something like that happens, I’m not gonna be angry. As long as I’m the one you come back to."

Cas stares at him without a word for a long minute and Dean does his best not to squirm under the intense gaze.

"Okay," he says eventually, stern and clipped. It’s hard for him not to feel offended, but he trust Dean that he means well.

"I’m going to try my best not to slip up, though, and I’d like you to do the same."

"Of course!" Dean breathes out. He’s relieved when Cas lets himself be pulled into a hug.

 

"Call me the moment you land, okay?"

"I will, Dean."

"And just call me whenever you have time. And when you feel lonely or something happens. I don’t care if it’s 3 AM here, you can always call me."

"I will call you every day, Dean, don’t worry," Cas says squeezing Dean’s shoulder.

"Shit, I already miss you," Dean mutters, staring into Castiel’s eyes.

"Four months, Dean, then I’m back."

"Alright," Dean breathes out as Cas wraps his arms around him.

They just hold each other for a few moments that don’t feel long enough.

"I love you," Cas whispers against Dean’s neck.

Dean swallows around the lump in his throat. He buries his fingers in Cas’ hair and kisses him.

They kiss until they can’t breathe and then some more before it’s time for Cas to go.

Dean watches him as he waves with a gummy smile before he disappears.

He stands there for another minute, letting the fact that he’s not going to see Cas in four months sink in.

A hand falls on his shoulder heavily and he hears a familiar voice with a British accent.

"Oh no, don’t tell me I missed the heartbreaking goodbye!"

"Tell me he’s coming back," Dean says, not looking at the man who’s responsible for all this crap happening.

He feels Balthazar’s eyes on him as the man contemplates his answer.

"Of course he’s coming back, you dumbass. I’ve known Cas for ages and even though I don’t understand it, I’m sure that he’s never been as happy as he is with you."

This time Dean turns to him and sees that he’s not joking.

"Take care of him," Dean says and regrets it immediately as Balthazar smirks.

"You bet I will."

Dean points a threatening finger at him. "You touch him and I rip your balls off and stuff them in your mouth, capisce?"

Balth rolls his eyes. "Capisce."

He looks at his expensive watch and heaves a sigh.

"Time to go. Take care of yourself, Dean, and be a good boy until your man returns." He mock-salutes and heads to the gate.

"Bye," Dean sighs. 


	33. CAS IN EUROPE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I´m really sorry that this took so long, but real life is kicking my butt pretty hard. I hope this chapter is worth the wait. It´s been ages since I wrote smut for this verse, so it felt a bit weird, but I think it came out alright :)

FIRST MONTH

"Look who’s there," Dean tries to draw the attention of the toddler squirming in his lap to the screen in front of them.

"Ca!" Ben squeals and reaches his hand towards the laptop.

"Hello, big boy, how are you?" Cas’ voice comes through the tiny speakers.

Ben decides that more interesting than Castiel’s smiling face is the keyboard. Dean catches his hand before he can smash it on the keys and place the boy on the floor.

"I’m sorry, he just woke up from his nap, so he’s not feeling very social,ů Dean says turning to the Skype conversation.

"It’s okay. I’m glad I could see him, though. How is the rush?"

"Almost gone. The ointment from Anna does wonders."

"That’s great."

"Enough about our son’s itchy ass, how are you?"

Castiel chuckles. "I’m fine, just tired. The gallery has an opening party on Friday o there’s a lot of work. Together with the classes, it’s pretty exhausting."

His boyfriend gives him a sympathetic smile. "But you’re still glad you are there, right?"

"Yeah, Dean, I am."

"Alright," Dean sighs checking Ben, who’s playing with his plush bee. "You should take some rest. I’ll call you tomorrow."

"No, wait. Talk to me. Tell me about your day with Ben," Cas pleads.

"Okay," Dean smiles.

Castiel makes himself comfortable on the bed and listens to Dean’s soothing voice. He’s asleep before Dean finishes telling him about Ben’s swimming lesson.

 

SECOND MONTH

"Hey, you home alone?" Dean asks when Cas answers his call.

"Yeah, my new boyfriend has just left," Cas says with a smile playing at the corners of his lips.

"So you already have a boyfriend?" Dean cocks an eyebrow before he drops himself into an armchair and places his laptop on the coffee table.

Castiel shrugs. "You know how it is. One gets lonely in a foreign city, and we agreed on an open relationship, right?"

"Yeah, of course. So tell me, what he’s like?"

Letting out a long sigh, Cas leans against the headboard of his bed, arms behind his head. Beside a small kitchenette and a bathroom, the bed is almost the only furniture in Castiel’s tiny apartment.

"I think you would like him. He’s tall, broad in the shoulders."

"Really?" Dean pipes up. His stomach twists even though he knows Cas is just joking.

"Yes. and he has those gorgeous green eyes and incredibly kissable lips," Castiel continues with a playful spark in his eyes.

Dean feels a grin spreading on his face.

"Sounds good. Does he have freckles too?"

Castiel gasps. "How did you know!"

Dean chuckles, hiding his face in his palms.

"He has hundreds of freckles. And they are everywhere, even on his butt."

Dean snorts face still covered.

"I like to trail them with my lips," Cas adds, his voice so soft it makes Dean’s heart flutter.

"What else do you like to do to him," Dean asks, smiling shyly.

Castiel gives him a toothy grin.

"Well, I like to take his clothes off very slowly and lay him on his back, then I kiss every inch of his skin."

Dean hums in appreciation and makes himself comfortable in the armchair.

"Every inch?"

"Yes, especially his nipples."

Dean takes it as a cue to slide his hand under his shirt and brush the tips of his fingers against his nipple. He feels it hardening under his touch as Cas continues, his voice a low rumble.

"His nipples are very sensitive. He likes it when I lick and bite them. He always makes such beautiful sounds."

Squeezing his nipple, Dean lets out a small whine.

"Just like that," Cas breathes out. "When I’m done with his nipples, I proceed to kiss down his belly; then I move to his inner thighs."

Dean obediently lets his hands slide down his belly. He lets his head fall back against the armchair as he rubs his denim-clad thighs. He’s only half-aware of the show he’s putting on, but he hears Cas’ breath hitch in his throat.

"I get on my knees in front of him and nuzzle at his cock until he’s fully heard."

Moaning, Dean strokes himself through his jeans, but it’s not enough, he needs more. Through half-lidded eyes, he looks at Cas.

"Please," he breathes out. He can see Cas’ eyes darkening and even though his lower body is out of the shot, he guesses Cas’ hand has moved to his crotch.

"Take your pants off," Ca growls, "underwear too."

Dean hurries to obey, cursing as his jeans get caught on his feet. He kicks the clothes off and leans back in the armchair.

"Oh god, you’re so beautiful, I would give anything to have you in my mouth right now."

"Cas," Dean whispers. He squeezes his eyes shut and imagines Cas is here with him. He spits into his palm before he wraps it around the head of his cock.

For a few minutes, Cas watches Dean fucking into his wrist, all the time mumbling soft encouragements. "So beautiful. Just like that, baby. Oh god, Dean, you’re so hot."

Dean’s already close to coming when Cas’ voice comes through the speakers a bit firmer.

"Tease your hole, Dean; I  want to see you play with your hole."

Letting out a shuddering breath, Dean slides down in the armchair and places his feet on the edge of the seat. He sucks two fingers into his mouth before rubbing them against the puckered skin of his entrance. He’s stopped by I disgruntled sound from Cas.

"I can’t see you like that," he almost whines.

Eager to please, Dean hurriedly turns around and kneels on the seat, leaning against the back.

"Better?" he asks, pulling his cheeks apart to show off his hole.

"Perfect." The word almost gets lost in the rustle of Cas’ pants being pulled off. "Please tell me you have lube on hand," Cas growls impatiently.

"Always ready," Dean chuckles and reaches into the drawer of the coffee table before returning to his position on the armchair.

"Great," Cas sighs, relaxing against the headboard. "Fuck your hole with your fingers, baby, let me see that," he requests, sounding a bit breathy.

Dean squeezes some lube on his fingers and bites his lower lip before he starts teasing his hole.

Only when he hears Cas’ appreciative hum, he gathers the courage to put up a little show.

He brushes his finger against his hole, then slowly pushes in moaning softly and arching his back. He fucks himself with his finger keeping a steady rhythm, Cas’ deep voice urging him to keep going. He looks over his shoulder and sees that Cas has moved his laptop, so his hand slowly stroking his cock is in the view now.

"Oh, Dean, you’re so beautiful. I wish I were there with you. I wish I could feel you tight around me."

Dean lets out a whine as he hits his prostate.

"Does it feel good, Dean? Tell me."

"Good but... not enough," Dean chokes out.

Cas groans, giving his cock a little squeeze.

"Are you ready to take another?" he asks, surprise in his voice.

Dean nods, his cheek rubbing against the fabric of the armchair. He knows it’s a bit too soon, but he doesn’t mind the burn. He needs to feel full.

He manages to hold back a hiss as he adds the second finger, but he gives himself a few inhales to get adjusted. Castiel doesn’t miss it.

"Dean, are you okay?"

"I’m good," Dean sighs and starts moving his fingers.

It feels so good he loses himself in it a little bit. He uses his other hand to jerk his cock and feels his orgasm building low in his belly. By the sound he hears from the laptop, Castiel isn’t far away either.

The first coherent words Castiel gets out make Dean freeze.

"Don’t come yet, Dean," he growls.

Dean’s movements come to a halt. They played with orgasm denial before, but they discussed and planned it beforehand. Cas doing it spontaneously like this makes goosebumps rise on Dean’s neck, and his cock gives a hard twitch. Dean takes a deep breath steadying himself.

"Third finger, Dean. I want to see you spread wide as if I was fucking you. Do it for me, baby."

Dean bites down on the cushion under his face. Just Cas’ words and his tone are pushing him closer to the edge.

With a shaking hand, he adds more lube and then gingerly slips a third finger in.

"Cas!" he cries as he starts to buck his hips back, grinding against his hand. It doesn’t feel as good as being filled with Cas’ cock, but it’s as close as he can get right now, so he’s loving it.

"That’s it,“ Cas says, voice shaky as he’s nearing his climax too, words punctuated as he thrusts into his fist. "Fuck, Dean, I wish... I would fuck you so hard, I’d make you scream."

"Cas, please!" Dean cries out. He’s shaking, teetering on the edge.

"Come for me, Dean."

Dean lets out a string of incoherent sounds that might be a mix of Cas’ name and various profanities. He pushes his fingers against his prostate while stroking his cock.

Through the haze of his orgasm punching through him, he looks over his shoulder to see Cas - hips bucking off the bed, spurts of white painting his fist and stomach.

Dean curls in the armchair, trying to get his breathing under control. "Wow," he breathes out wiping his hand into his t-shirt, "that was good."

Cas grins at him as he cleans himself with a kleenex. "I hope you didn’t get jizz on the armchair."

"That’s what you care about, you asshole?" Dean shouts with fake exasperation. Cas chuckles, pulling his pants back on. His face shakes as he pulls the laptop into his lap. "So, do you want to watch a movie?" he asks.

Dean stretches with a yawn. "Okay, but it’s my pick."

"Of course, Dean."

 

THIRD MONTH

The first second of the video message is enough to tell Dean it’s one of _those_ video messages. The huge black dildo Cas took with him is the only thing in the view, standing on a tiled floor.

Dean looks around the office guiltily. He’s alone here, and Missouri isn’t coming today due to a cold, so there’s no need to fear that anyone might walk in on him. He gets up and walks to the door anyway. When it’s locked, he returns to his chair and makes himself comfortable. He hesitates for a second, then he unbuckles his belt and unzips his pants before clicking the play button.

Castiel appears in the view, gloriously naked, only his body being visible, his face out of the frame. His cock is hard, its head dark red. Dean can only guess that when Cas was getting ready, which must have taken a while considering the size of the toy, he didn’t allow himself to come. The thought alone makes his cock stir to attention.

Castiel straddles the dildo and slowly lowers himself. As the tip breaches his hole, the dildo slips and falls on the tiles. Cas curses under his breath and repositions the toy. He tries again, this time holding the dildo with one hand. The position makes him lean his torso back a little so Dean can see his lips - pink and parted slightly.

Cas pushes down on the dildo letting out a soft moan. With a hand on his hardening cock Dean watches tranquilized as Cas body slowly devours the silicone monster inch by inch.

When Cas seats himself fully on the dildo, he lets out a shaky breath. His cock twitches and bead of precome runs down its length. Dean bites his lower lip to stifle the desperate sound that threatens to escape his mouth.

With his thighs trembling, Cas pushes himself up, just an inch, then thrusts his hips back down. He throws his head back and comes with an animalistic groan, his untouched cock spilling on the floor.

"Jesus fucking Christ," Dean mutters as he strokes himself frantically, his hand slick with precome.

The video ends with Cas finally showing his face - flushed and blissed out - and blowing him a kiss.

With one hand, Dean selects the reply option on points the phone towards his crotch. He knows his reply isn’t going to be as awesome as Cas’ message, but he knows Cas will appreciate the immediate reaction.

Dean comes with a cry of Cas’ name on his lips, capturing his twitching cock on the video.

He gets a response when he’s cleaning himself up.

Cas: Did you just jerk off in the office?

Dean: What did you expect when you sent me such a video during my office hours?

Cas: ; *

 

FOURTH MONTH

Castiel’s heart skips a beat when his phone rings and the screen shows Dean’s ID. They agreed to use phone calls only in case of emergency, so Dean calling has to mean something bad happened. With a trembling hand, Cas pick u the phone.

"Dean? What happened?" he blurts out in an agitated voice.

"Nothing, I just needed to hear you."

Castiel frowns. "It must be like 3 AM in Kansas, and the call will cost a fortune." He doesn’t want to chastise; he  just doesn’t believe Dean would be calling if there wasn’t something important he wanted to talk about.

"I know, I’m sorry," Dean sighs, "I just miss you so bad, Cas."

Hearing his voice, Castiel suddenly can imagine Dean lying in the dark room curled on the bed, and his heart clenches. He would give everything he has to be with Dean right now.

"I miss you too, baby," he says softly, "only two more weeks. We made it so far, we can wait for two more weeks. Then I’m back with you."

Dean is silent for a long time, Cas can only hear his even breathing and hope he managed to comfort him a little.

"Cas?" Dean croaks eventually.

"Yes, love?"

"If I asked you to marry me, would you say yes?"

Castiel freezes. He feels like it must take him an eternity to find his voice again.

"Dean, are you proposing over the phone?"

"No, no," Dean says hurriedly. "I’m just... doing research. To make sure I won’t look like an idiot if I ask."

Castiel huffs out a soft laugh. His heart is beating wildly in his chest, and he can’t hold back the huge smile on his face.

"Well, I can’t tell you. You’ll have to risk it."

"Okay," Dean sighs, "I will."

Castiel is full on grinning now.

"Two weeks, Dean."

"Two weeks. See you then."

"Bye, Dean."


	34. YEAR THREE, NINTH MONTH

_We’ll be there_  is the last text he gets before he gets on the plane. He doesn’t even think about what exactly _we_ means, all he needs to know is that Dean will greet him at the airport. As enters the arrival hall his first thought is _I didn’t expect that_ because they are _all_ here. Dean in the front, grinning so much the upper half of his head threatens to fall off, Sam and Sarah who’s holding Ben, Anna and Victor, Gabriel, Charlie, Dorothy and even Jo are all there raising a huge banner with his name above their heads as Cas approaches.

He feels his chest swelling with happiness and affection and promises himself he’s not gonna cry, then his fast beating heart stumbles as Dean drops to one knee. Cas stops in his track, now standing a few steps away, his jaw falls as Dean holds up a small box.

He’s doing it, he’s really doing it, right here in front of everyone.

There must be noise in the hall as people rush around their small group, but to Cas, it seems like everything has fallen silent.

"Hey, Cas," Dean says, his voice shaking a little with nerves. Cas’ eyes move from the box to Dean’s face and for a moment, he’s overwhelmed by how beautiful the man is.

"Hello, Dean," he says, barely audible, but Dean must hear it clear because his eyes spark.

"So, uh-" he mutters as he fumbles to open the box and reveal a simple silver ring. "Please, say yes."

Cas breathes out and it sounds somewhere between laughter and sob. "You need to ask."

"Right," Dean nods, taking a steadying breath. "Will you marry me?"

"Of course. Yes."

Dean bolts up and gathers Cas in his arms. Cas thinks they’re both giggling, but he’s not sure because there’s so much cheering - not only from their family that Cas only now realizes is still here but from a few passer-bys too.

Dean pulls away to look Cas deep in the eyes. "Welcome back, baby."

Cas grabs the back of his head and pulls him in for a kiss.

 

They have a family dinner in a fancy restaurant in Kansas City to celebrate his return and the engagement. It’s great to be with all the people he loves and he really enjoys it, but he still feels kind of relieved when Dean drives him home. Entering the silence of their house fills him with happiness.

He’s standing in the hallway, taking in the familiar scent of home you can only smell after you’re away for some time. As Dean wraps his arms around him from behind and kisses his neck, Cas remembers the part of the evening when Gabriel pulled him away.

"So, was it worth it? The little adventure of yours, did it help you?" he asked. Castiel looked around, for a moment just watching the people he missed immensely.

"Yes. It helped me realize what I have here. And now I can say I pursued my dreams and am ready to settle down."

Gabriel rolled his eyes at that but Cas knew it was just so he didn’t lose his face of an annoying old brother.

"Good," he said then, patting Castiel’s shoulder before he went to order desserts for everyone.

 

When they’re in bed, taking their time to re-learn every inch of each other’s body, Castiel is overcome by a sudden feel of dread. What if he’s still in Paris? What if this is just a very vivid dream? He shudders at the idea that he would wake up in an empty bed again.

Feeling Castiel’s distress, Dean pulls him close to his chest.

"What’s wrong?" he asks in a whisper, his lips brushing against Cas’ ear.

Castiel wraps his arms around him, clinging to him desperately. "I just can’t believe I’m really here."

"You are," Dean says, punctuating his words with a kiss to Cas’ jaw. He continues pressing kisses to Cas’ face and neck between each word. "You’re here. This is real. This is happening. I’m holding you in my arms again." He gently takes Cas’ hand and kisses the finger bearing his ring. "And you said yes," he adds.

Feeling lighter, Cas chuckles softly. "Well, you made it really hard for me to say no with all the witnesses."

Dean frowns, still holding his hand. "I didn’t do it to pressure you."

"I know, Dean," Cas says softly, cupping Dean’s cheek with his palm. "And I would have said yes if you had asked me in private, hell I would have said yes even if you had proposed over the damn phone."

Dean grins happily and Cas kisses him. When he pulls apart, Dean chases his lips, but Cas pushes him away. "Wait, give me a second. Where’s my coat?" he gropes on the floor beside the bed until he finds his coat and pulls something out of the pocket.

Dean stares at the object in Cas’ hand, then looks up at Cas. "You did... you got me a ring?"

"Well, yes," Cas laughs, "I hoped you’d have the balls to actually propose."

"Oh god, I love you," Dean breathes out before throwing himself at Cas, kissing him hungrily. Not breaking the kiss, Cas finds his hand and blindly puts the ring on his finger before Dean pushes him into the mattress.

"Are you tired?" Dean asks panting a little

"Very tired," Cas admits.

"Too tired?" Dean raises an eyebrow as he strokes Cas’ hips suggestively.

Cas nips at Dean’s lower lip. "No, not _too_ tired."

 

 They want to take it slow, they really do. Dean takes his time preparing Cas, paying attention to every inch of his body as he pushes his fingers in and out of his tight hole. But the moment he slides in, neither of them can hold back. Cas wraps himself around Dean, heels digging into his ass to draw him closer, nails scratching his back as Cas urges him to fuck him harder, to give him more. Dean obediently gives him all he has, pounding into him hard and fast, marking his shoulders and neck with his lips and teeth. It’s over pretty fast since they’re both desperate for release.

As they come down, they whisper sweet nonsense, their throats sore from screaming each other’s names. They fall asleep shortly after, their bodies sweaty and sticky wound tightly together.

 

Dean is woken up by warm mouth on his neck and an arm wrapped around his middle. He purrs like a huge cat as he wiggles his butt, pressing himself closer against Cas’ body.

"Can’t sleep?"

"Must be the time zones," Cas mutters before he grazes his teeth against the shell of Dean’s ear. Dean shivers in his arms.

"Any idea what to do about it?" Dean asks with a sleepy smile on his lips.

Cas hums, rolling his hips, pressing his erection into the creak of Dean’s ass. "I might have something on my mind," he says as he slips his hand down Dean’s body, cupping his hardening cock.

Dean cranes his neck so he can kiss his lover. "I’m on board," he breathes into Cas’ mouth.

Suddenly Cas makes an embarrassed face. "Do you know where the lube ended up?" he asks.

Chuckling, Dean leans over the edge of the bed and gropes for the tube. He hands it to Cas, simultaneously pressing a kiss to his shoulder.

This time, it’s slow, almost lazy, like there’s no intent, no goal to hurry to.

Cas is whispering into Dean’s ear as he rolls his hips, grinding against Dean’s prostate. He tells him how much he missed him, how happy he is to be home, to have him, how much he loves him. Dean isn’t able to string together a coherent sentence, but his moans and soft gasps are all the answer Cas’ needs. They draw it out so long that when they come, it’s more like floating than falling. They stay connected for a long while, just holding each other, breathing in sync. Then Cas pulls out and coaxes Dean out of the bed with kisses and promises of a shower blowjob.

They wash each other thoroughly, enjoying the hot water and the loving touches that have nothing to do with sex. The blow job never happens, they’re both satisfied and sated. Squeaky clean, they slip back under the covers.

 

Cas blinks his eyes open to see Dean lying on his back, his hand outstretched in front of his face, examining the silver band on his ring finger. Cas smiles and shifts closer, leaning his head on Dean’s shoulder. The sun is already high and it makes the ring shine. Cas turns his head so he can look at Dean’s freckles brought up by the light.

"So," Dean breaks the silence, "when do you want to do it?"

Cas reaches for his hand intertwining their fingers, so their rings cling together.

"How does _as soon as possible_ sound to you?"

Dean turns his head and kisses the tip of Cas’ nose. "Like exactly the answer I wanted to hear."

 


End file.
